If you have been following this blog at all, you already know that it has been a rather rough year for me so far. Granted, everyone has their ups and downs, but I sort of feel like I've been mostly down and often kicked over the past 12 months. I am happy to say that I am now entering a period of renewed strength, determination, action, and optimism. It feels good. It is still a bumpy road and there are still obstacles in my path and decisions that are screaming at me to be made, but I am resilient - a fighter and a survivor, despite being such a whiner sometimes. Let's face it...there are a lot worse things I could have gone through than what I have. However, that is cold comfort when you are the person who is feeling lost and whose life is in utter upheaval.
Progress to date: I am continuing to follow The Artist's Way program, I have booked myself an appointment with a career counsellor, I am performing this weekend in the PCNSO/NSO's Messiah, I am volunteering on the theatre scene and keeping my eyes and ears open for opportunities to get back onstage. I have gotten some calls to sub (although not as many as I would like) and I am actively collecting and organizing writing ideas. I have also lost another few pounds, which feels really good.
In terms of the love life scene, I have processed and healed from the shock I wrote of in my last post. I have also been conversing with a couple of smart and intriguing men online (one of whom I have met and am attracted to on numerous levels - I am keeping my fingers crossed that there will be a chance to explore the possibilities further - as in date and get to know each other better - but I am in no rush to enter into another full blown relationship at this point). I am also kind of interested in finding out more about an acquaintance who has caught my attention.
I found it rather helpful to spend time with a friend of a friend recently who reminded me that being single and 30 does not mean that life is over. It's amazing how you can be acquainted with someone for years and never realize how much you have in common...some talking over wine remedied that situation this weekend and it was incredibly therapeutic (seriously - what would we ever do without our girlfriends?). It also made me realize that I want to savour this opportunity I have created to be a single lady again a little more than I have been (with the exception of all the fun I had this summer - that part was great). It may be my last chance, after all, and I remember a part of me mourning the loss of my single life and living vicariously through others while I was in long term relationships. Still, I was rather surprised at myself when I looked at her life - complete with husband, kids, and home - which I thought I wanted before and which I think I might still like someday, and realize that I don't actually want it right now. It's refreshing and relieving to know that. That's a whole lot of pressure lifted, right there...
And so I leave you with:
(Ok, so the whole song doesn't fit, but the whole not killing you but making you stronger bit works!)
Monday, December 6, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Tangled Webs We See
This has been a very weird month for me so far. One man I dated suddenly updated his facebook status to say that he is in a relationship after I had not talked to him in a few days, which left me wondering...hmmm...when did that occur? Does he work really fast or was he seeing her while he was seeing me? Does she know he still checks his online dating account? Or that he even has one?
It gets better. The man I spent six years of my life with and left close to nine months ago suddenly turned up married. Gotta love facebook. That news temporarily ripped a hole through my chest with heart-wrenching sobs and anger and bitterness beyond belief. It's not that I care that he's moved on or that he's not with me. That's not what I was grieving over. I know I made the right decision. I know we both deserve to be happy with other people (even though part of me thinks I deserve it more at this point). I know when the time is right I will find my Prince Charming or whatever incarnation he shows up as...
What bothers me is the realization that I stayed for so long and put so much effort into a relationship that was going nowhere and that his new wife has been with him for less than a year (possibly less than 6 months)...that I was led to believe in an eventual marriage that never materialized (which is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, next to the proposal from another ex that I turned down years ago). What bothers me is that I now wonder if SHE was the reason for all the weirdness with his cellphone during the last year we were together. Perhaps they have known each other longer than meets the eye. And the icing on the cake? She has a child. A child...which he said he didn't want and which was part of the reason for our split. A child who I also taught at one point. Oh, the irony. And even better? Comments under their wedding photo show me that he has told her some of the same lies he told me about his previous life. This woman has no idea how many skeletons will be falling on her head everytime she opens the closet.
As I have said before, my ex was not evil incarnate. There were a lot of good points there, as well - on the surface, anyway. Otherwise, I obviously would not have stayed as long as I did. As a matter of fact, just last week I texted him (one of the rare non-business-only exchanges we have had since I left) to thank him for the good things he did for me during our relationship. I can't explain why...I just felt he needed to know that, despite everything, those things were really appreciated (it probably had something to do with the news that another ex of mine had died recently - which is a whole other thing to experience mentally and emotionally). A few days later he messaged me on facebook to tell me my new profile picture was nice, which I thought was odd.
I should probably explain that, while the ex and I did leave each other on our friends lists, we did limit the information that was available to each other. And I do not by any means check in on him regularly. In fact, it was just a fluke that I discovered any of this at all. I was bored and scrolling through status updates and a weird looking profile picture caught my eye, so I went back to see what it was that I could not pick sense out of upon first glance. It was then I realized it was of lips kissing a hand...and whose lips they were and what was on the hand. Of course, being human, I then had to check it out. And now I'm thinking that it is definitely time to delete him from my friends list. I do not need to be seeing these things and torturing myself with thoughts about things that don't even matter anymore.
I have to admit, though, it is rather tempting to let the scorned woman in me give the new bride a little friendly advice. Likewise with the first incident I described...wouldn't I like to know if my boyfriend were still scouring the online arena for potential dates and/or booty calls? But it is not my business, nor my call to make. These things have to be found out on their own or not at all without my input or interference. It feels like a little bit of a betrayal to watch these women walking into these situations and having inside information on the men in their lives...but they are not my friends. I do not know them. And therefore it is definitely not my place to involve myself in their relationships and create drama for them by shedding some light on what is most likely unbeknownst to them at this point. But I do find myself playing devil's advocate and arguing opposing sides of the moral dilemma...no doubt partially due to the anger I feel at having been somewhat blind myself for a time.
There are valuable lessons to be learned here, folks. Not least of which is that time is too precious to waste with someone when you know something isn't right. It also drives home the point that words are cheap and actions speak volumes...and that things usually have a way of coming out in the wash. I just hope neither of the ladies now with these men gets burned too badly.
It gets better. The man I spent six years of my life with and left close to nine months ago suddenly turned up married. Gotta love facebook. That news temporarily ripped a hole through my chest with heart-wrenching sobs and anger and bitterness beyond belief. It's not that I care that he's moved on or that he's not with me. That's not what I was grieving over. I know I made the right decision. I know we both deserve to be happy with other people (even though part of me thinks I deserve it more at this point). I know when the time is right I will find my Prince Charming or whatever incarnation he shows up as...
What bothers me is the realization that I stayed for so long and put so much effort into a relationship that was going nowhere and that his new wife has been with him for less than a year (possibly less than 6 months)...that I was led to believe in an eventual marriage that never materialized (which is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, next to the proposal from another ex that I turned down years ago). What bothers me is that I now wonder if SHE was the reason for all the weirdness with his cellphone during the last year we were together. Perhaps they have known each other longer than meets the eye. And the icing on the cake? She has a child. A child...which he said he didn't want and which was part of the reason for our split. A child who I also taught at one point. Oh, the irony. And even better? Comments under their wedding photo show me that he has told her some of the same lies he told me about his previous life. This woman has no idea how many skeletons will be falling on her head everytime she opens the closet.
As I have said before, my ex was not evil incarnate. There were a lot of good points there, as well - on the surface, anyway. Otherwise, I obviously would not have stayed as long as I did. As a matter of fact, just last week I texted him (one of the rare non-business-only exchanges we have had since I left) to thank him for the good things he did for me during our relationship. I can't explain why...I just felt he needed to know that, despite everything, those things were really appreciated (it probably had something to do with the news that another ex of mine had died recently - which is a whole other thing to experience mentally and emotionally). A few days later he messaged me on facebook to tell me my new profile picture was nice, which I thought was odd.
I should probably explain that, while the ex and I did leave each other on our friends lists, we did limit the information that was available to each other. And I do not by any means check in on him regularly. In fact, it was just a fluke that I discovered any of this at all. I was bored and scrolling through status updates and a weird looking profile picture caught my eye, so I went back to see what it was that I could not pick sense out of upon first glance. It was then I realized it was of lips kissing a hand...and whose lips they were and what was on the hand. Of course, being human, I then had to check it out. And now I'm thinking that it is definitely time to delete him from my friends list. I do not need to be seeing these things and torturing myself with thoughts about things that don't even matter anymore.
I have to admit, though, it is rather tempting to let the scorned woman in me give the new bride a little friendly advice. Likewise with the first incident I described...wouldn't I like to know if my boyfriend were still scouring the online arena for potential dates and/or booty calls? But it is not my business, nor my call to make. These things have to be found out on their own or not at all without my input or interference. It feels like a little bit of a betrayal to watch these women walking into these situations and having inside information on the men in their lives...but they are not my friends. I do not know them. And therefore it is definitely not my place to involve myself in their relationships and create drama for them by shedding some light on what is most likely unbeknownst to them at this point. But I do find myself playing devil's advocate and arguing opposing sides of the moral dilemma...no doubt partially due to the anger I feel at having been somewhat blind myself for a time.
There are valuable lessons to be learned here, folks. Not least of which is that time is too precious to waste with someone when you know something isn't right. It also drives home the point that words are cheap and actions speak volumes...and that things usually have a way of coming out in the wash. I just hope neither of the ladies now with these men gets burned too badly.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Tuesday Night Funny
A friend of mine posted this on facebook and I just had to steal it and repost it here because it made me laugh so much. I hope it does the same for you :)
...for the record, I actually like Sean Paul as well :)
...for the record, I actually like Sean Paul as well :)
Friday, November 12, 2010
No In-Between
Just a quick update/rant regarding the online dating scene...I seem to be attracting 20 year olds, 50 year olds, those reeking of desperation or outright looking for booty only and anyone who can't formulate a coherent/correct sentence....sigh. Woe, oh woe, is me. Where are all the intelligent, decent looking men with a sense of humour? They are certainly not knocking on my door in the real world! I mean I'm not looking for Einstein (I'm not sure if that's the best example, but you get the drift), nor am I seeking anyone who is as muscle bound as Arnold was in his prime or as chiseled as an underwear model or as hot as Brad Pitt or Antonio Banderas were in their heyday. All I want is someone who can carry a conversation, communicate with me on my level, finds some of the same things funny and entertaining, and who happens to be attractive in my eyes (well that's the base model that would at least give me something to work with...of course there is some room for fine-tuning in that list). Is that really too much to ask????? I mean, I know I said I was content doing my own thing for now - and I am, for the most part - but some days it gets damned lonely and it would be great to have someone of the opposite sex (as in a non-platonic potential romantic interest) to spend time with once in awhile.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
12 Reasons Living Solo Rocks
In random order:
1. You can prance around naked or in your undies whenever you want and for as long as you want without being questioned.
2. Your mess is your own.
3. When you clean up, it stays that way unless you mess it up.
4. There are no disagreements over bathroom time or storage space.
5. Things stay where you put them instead of magically disappearing and reappearing elsewhere.
6. There is no need to consider anyone else's preferences at meal time - make whatever you like and eat it whenever and wherever you like.
7. There are no clashes in taste or opinion when decorating your space.
8. You can sing as much and as loud as you'd like and dance around like a crazy lady with no one the wiser.
9. You can workout without negotiating for the space.
10. There are no annoying video game noises in the background at any time unless you want them to be.
11. The remote control, phone and computer are under your sole control.
12. You can get up and go to bed whenever you want without worrying about or being bothered by someone else.
1. You can prance around naked or in your undies whenever you want and for as long as you want without being questioned.
2. Your mess is your own.
3. When you clean up, it stays that way unless you mess it up.
4. There are no disagreements over bathroom time or storage space.
5. Things stay where you put them instead of magically disappearing and reappearing elsewhere.
6. There is no need to consider anyone else's preferences at meal time - make whatever you like and eat it whenever and wherever you like.
7. There are no clashes in taste or opinion when decorating your space.
8. You can sing as much and as loud as you'd like and dance around like a crazy lady with no one the wiser.
9. You can workout without negotiating for the space.
10. There are no annoying video game noises in the background at any time unless you want them to be.
11. The remote control, phone and computer are under your sole control.
12. You can get up and go to bed whenever you want without worrying about or being bothered by someone else.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Lest We Forget
I always find it hard to wrap my head around Remembrance Day and searching for the right words to say. There is so much that can be said, needs to be said, and should be said...but as a picture is supposedly worth a thousand words, sometimes a song can convey the right feeling, message, and tone with much more poignancy than that same thousand words.
The Trews: Highway Of Heroes
The day I shipped out,
They numbered a dozen.
Upon my return,
Were a hundred or so.
From the coast and the prairies,
I bet they keep coming.
But add one more name from Ontario.
Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their flags flying low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more.
I served with distinction,
No visions of glory.
I served without question,
Or personal gain.
Seek no justification,
Its not part of my story.
No comfort to the ones who remain.
Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their flags flying low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more.
I took up my vocation,
I was called by my nation.
Without hesitation,
My answer I gave.
Now I am not wondering,
Bout the things that I might have been.
I'm no consolation,
To the forgotten brave.
Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their flags flying low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more.
Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their heads held low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more...
The Trews: Highway Of Heroes
The day I shipped out,
They numbered a dozen.
Upon my return,
Were a hundred or so.
From the coast and the prairies,
I bet they keep coming.
But add one more name from Ontario.
Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their flags flying low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more.
I served with distinction,
No visions of glory.
I served without question,
Or personal gain.
Seek no justification,
Its not part of my story.
No comfort to the ones who remain.
Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their flags flying low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more.
I took up my vocation,
I was called by my nation.
Without hesitation,
My answer I gave.
Now I am not wondering,
Bout the things that I might have been.
I'm no consolation,
To the forgotten brave.
Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their flags flying low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more.
Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their heads held low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more...
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