Inconsequential Hurts

Who am I kidding? I'm not over it. I am not cold and heartless. I want to be strong. I want to say that I could care less that I'll probably never see or hear from the cheater again. And part of me wants it that way and knows that's what's best...and that dealing with this now is much better than the pain I would be feeling if I had continued seeing him and gotten closer to him. Of course I know that. But it doesn't stop the fact that I miss him. Even though I know he wasn't who I thought he was. Even though I know I did the right thing and that he didn't give a rat's ass about me, which cuts me to the quick sometimes if I'm honest. I miss him. I miss talking to him and laughing with him. I miss his eyes, his voice, his scent, his touch, his smile and his kisses. I miss his arms around me. It is so hard to admit that because at the same time, I look at the reality of the situation and I am disgusted with myself for feeling that way. The time we spent together, perfect as it was, was a total illusion. How can someone come across so genuine and innocent and be doing something so deceitful the whole time? How can any part of me be mourning the loss of someone like that? I wonder how it all was for him. I wonder if he's even given me so much as a passing thought and whether he's considered contacting me, if only to say goodbye. I don't like this feeling of weakness...but I also know these moments are fleeting and will pass. I guess on the upside, at least they show me that despite everything I am not yet totally bitter and jaded. Soon enough, this won't matter to me at all.

In the meantime, I put all that in perspective by looking at what's been going on in the world in the past 24 hours and it seems silly to even put the time into writing about it. There are far bigger things to worry about than being disappointed by wanting something that was never going to materialize anyway. I'm alive. I'm safe. I'm warm and clothed and fed and have a roof over my head, for starters. Any complaints or hurts seem rather trivial in comparison to not having those needs met. And I don't want to be a whiner. Besides, I'm sure it's just karma's way of keeping me free for bigger and better things. And just like that things don't seem so bad anymore...fleeting moment of weakness conquered. One step at a time, right?

Unexpected Gifts

It really is the little things that make everything all better...

I went to bed last night hating the fact that I was missing he who has been dubbed the cheating bastard, even though I know he's not worth it. This morning, a friend sent me an incredibly beautiful and inspirational message in response to that news to remind me not to dwell on things...to accept them for what they are and find something within them to be thankful for anyway. He made me smile and lifted my spirits.

After lunch, a 7 year old non-verbal autistic boy I worked with for a half an hour about a month ago while subbing (and who doesn't usually take to anyone, I'm told) saw me walking into his school. He took my hand, kissed it, put his arms around me, pulled me down and kissed my cheek. It was precious...and it made my day.

A little boy in the class I was subbing in today who excitedly informed me that The Bachelor is choosing someone soon. I was a little taken aback and asked him if he watched the show (I don't). He informed me that his mom does and he had heard her mention it. Something about that struck me as incredibly amusing.

I held those moments in my mind and drove home smiling. The tiniest moments make the biggest and best gifts when we remember to appreciate and be thankful for them...

Easy Come, Easy Go

The good guy did, indeed, get spooked. We met for coffee and he fed me a line about not really having time for anyone right now and wanting to let me know that I can go ahead and explore my other options instead of waiting for something from him that may not be coming. Oh boy. Where to start? First off, while that may be plausible, he was making all kinds of time to try and see me so I know I scared him and that's what spurred this. Secondly, he did go about it in a very mature, considerate, and admirable way and I respect and appreciate that. And thirdly, whoeverl said I was going to stop being open to meeting other people while waiting around for something from him? I think I've already learned my lesson there tenfold!

I'm also glad to report that my resiliency has apparently been heightened much more than I realized...I'm pretty much over the whole thing with the cheater already. I let myself have a little cry about it over the weekend, but that was it. There was a time when I would have been crushed over this forevermore. It's so good to know that I'm getting a little smarter and a little stronger every day. Granted, there are still aspects of the whole situation that I wonder about but I know that all I'm really required to understand is that he is a deceitful jerk. I wasn't the first, I won't be the last, and I can't look out for his girlfriend. I did my part by giving her the information. What she decided to do with it is her concern. He doesn't get to play me anymore, and that is what matters. I did decide to send him one very concise message and say what I needed to say to him, though. There were no questions or accusations and I didn't call him names or rant about how angry I was or how much he'd hurt me or anything of that sort - what would be the point? He doesn't care about any of that, anyway, and I'm not about being immature, wasting energy, or giving him power over me. But I found a way to get myself some closure by speaking to him on a level that he will hear and understand.

In the meantime, it also didn't take long for new prospects to pop up and take the place of those now stricken from my list of potential dates. It's amusing, really, when you look at it. I got an email out of the blue from a guy I haven't heard from in weeks, inviting me to dinner this past weekend...or was it the weekend before? Have I mentioned this already? Anyway, I declined...but I'm wondering what I have to lose by actually taking him up on it. You never know, right? I also got a facebook message from another guy I haven't heard from in forever...his story is a little different though. We had been chatting for a bit but hadn't actually met when he got himself a girlfriend...they broke up recently and now I'm looking like a good candidate for a rebound, I suppose. After all, we've already been in contact so that lessens the work required, right? There is also a new 26 year old (seems to be a popular age these days) who contacted me on the dating site (well, there have been others as well, but he is in the lead so far by way of being able to compose actual sentences complete with proper spelling and punctuation. The grammar I can forgive somewhat, as I take liberties with it myself from time to time). It's nice that he seems very forthcoming with information about himself so far, but at the same time, his messages are all about offering detailed information I haven't requested and not really asking much about me. Hmm...

On another note, yesterday I felt a euphoria I haven't experienced in some time and it was awesome. The littlest things sometimes make all the difference to a day, I have to say. This was initiated first by running into my best friend unexpectedly after a brutally exhausting day teaching a particularly demanding primary class. I then came home, checked my phone, and got voicemail from an assistant principal who was looking to book me for Thursday and Friday. And in those moments, I was just so incredibly happy and thankful. The sun was shining and I got in my car and drove across town with the biggest beaming smile on my face, revelling in the freedom and lightness I was experiencing inside...and it wasn't only work, money, and friendship related.

At the risk of rambling and coming across as a total crackpot, I will attempt to describe and explain:

I started reflecting on recent events and it seemed to me that the universe has, indeed, decided to start aligning things in my path. A friend of mine has been telling me for months that I am going places and I actually do feel that in my soul and in my bones from time to time. Yesterday it was strong...it felt as though the things I want are getting closer to my reach. That I am on the right path. That I have been making the right choices and have finally solidified myself, in a sense. I know who I am and I embrace it...all of me, not just pieces. In fact, I love me and I'm very proud of me. I am more myself than I have ever been and that has taken a lifetime to accomplish. I cannot begin to tell you how far I've come from being the shy, nervous, scared, insecure girl with zero confidence that I was...gullible, naive, unable to look in the mirror, afraid to stand up for herself...to the woman I am today. It's been quite a transformation and it was a very long and bumpy road, but it is SO GOOD to finally be here with so much more strength and awareness and self-worth. I actually felt yesterday that I was being rewarded for finally being true to myself...for opening, seeing, appreciating, learning, growing, and taking action in my life in so many ways after being somehow stagnant for what felt like an eternity. For being able to take a hit, deal with it quickly and effectively in a way that I'm satisfied with, and let go. For doing the right thing. And I have to admit, it also felt damned liberating and uplifting - refreshing! - to realize that I wasn't stewing or pining or even really genuinely INTERESTED in any man right now. Yep...I'm definitely getting there!

Amongst The Ashes

The cheater signed onto the online dating site yesterday at the same time I was logged in and I saw that he closed his account. For some reason, that messed me up as much as when I first discovered he may have a girlfriend. I guess it just set off a chain of thoughts wondering what had happened after I'd given the girlfriend the heads up. I started to ponder whether I'd gone about things the right way...whether I should have confronted him myself as well instead of letting the girlfriend have the satisfaction (for lack of a better word) all to herself (although that's a toss up because blindsiding him had it's perks as well), whether I should have offered proof (which I have) other than my word, whether I should have asked her to call me instead of giving snippets of information online, whether she actually left him or decided to stay, what his thoughts had been once he realized what I'd done...and on and on. It was a vicious, fruitless, cycle but I couldn't help it. It just made me relive my own experience in her shoes and mull over my own course of action at that time and how I learned the hard way that it wasn't the way to go. Having my ex show me his accounts and close/delete them (the dating profile plus numerous email addresses) in front of me proved nothing. Nor did him giving me the password to his one remaining account. Because, as I realized once the anger and hurt and disgust subsided enough to allow rational thought, he could go ahead and set up a bunch of other ones at any time and I would never know. So it was a pointless, futile exercise and did nothing to restore my trust and faith in him. It took years to piece some of that trust and faith back together, and it was never quite whole again...the littlest things triggered doubts and suspicions sometimes, which was followed by the ceaseless internal battle: was I being paranoid out of my fear of being burned again or were my instincts trying to tell me something still wasn't right? I should have stuck to my initial reaction - I already had his bags packed by the time he got home, after all.

I have to keep telling myself that I did the right thing and that whatever happened afterwards has nothing to do with me and has no bearing on my life. You can only lead a horse to water...you can't make it drink. I wonder what she'd think if she knew he told me he's never been in love...or whether he was able to talk himself out of the fact that he told me he'd had sex with an ex recently and had been seeing someone this past summer...? The bottom line is I gave her enough information to bury him. What she decides to do with it is out of my hands. I admit, I was really hoping the S.O.B would end up miserable and alone out of it, but again, what would it matter? Firstly, someone who could be the way he was with me while having a long term girlfriend the whole time obviously has no conscience and probably no heart, either. Secondly, as a friend of mine pointed out, being in a relationship and cheating on the person he's with kinda makes him as alone as you can get already. And as I realized myself, he is such a smooth operator that any alone time most likely wouldn't last long anyways. He'd be back on the horse and making new victims in no time. I wanted to believe him up to the very end because I liked him so much and didn't want to shatter the illusion of who I thought he was and the potential of what we could possibly have, so I can only imagine how much worse that must be for her, having been with him for a longer period of time and invested so much into the relationship already. I'm thankful that I found out before I got too emotionally involved myself. It's always better to find out someone is not to be trusted sooner rather than later. The sad things is, despite everything, part of me will miss him...well, miss who I thought he was anyway...the witty, intelligent, funny guy I conversed and bantered with daily and who I happened to share some mad physical attraction and chemistry with as well. Of course, all I have to do is remind myself that he is a lying, cheating, manipulating jerk who played me as well as his girlfriend and that dissipates quite a bit. I'm sure I'll get over this pretty quickly. If nothing else, he doesn't deserve my thoughts and energy.

On another note, I was overtired last night and said something I shouldn't have to the (so far, apparently) super nice new guy...I hope it doesn't have too big of an impact. It would suck if he is legitimately a good guy and being messed up over a jerk caused me to scare him off...

...and because it does such a good job of expressing the thoughts and emotions experienced by the parties navigating these types of situations, I leave you with:

Busted

The air has been cleared in a sense...I had a conversation with the skilled liar/cheat/manipulator's girlfriend and informed her of what I knew (the basic facts, minus hurtful details) and the role I had unwittingly played in his deception. He picked the wrong girl to lie to, this time. I would love to be a fly on the wall for what happens next, but all I can do is hope she is smarter than I was in my past relationship and leaves right away instead of giving him the opportunity to "learn from his mistakes" (ie hone his skills) and do it again without getting caught. Either way, I did what I could to right the wrong and I suppose I will just have to be satisfied with that. She did make a comment to the effect that he is now single, however. I have to say, I'm very sorry that someone got hurt (well myself and the girlfriend, to be exact... I'm not sure whether he actually has a heart.) but I also have to admit that there is a certain grim, smug (bitter?) satisfaction that comes from playing the player. How DARE he insult my intelligence and take advantage of my trusting nature. It's just a sad realization that while I may have put the kibosh on his current activities (maybe, perhaps...), he will most likely go on to do this to other women in the future. You know what they say..."Once a cheater..."

Restlessness and Ramblings

I'm currently sitting on my couch feeling rather restless. I'm not quite sure what to be doing with myself at the moment. I am not a fan of that feeling...so, but of course, I turned to writing.

I worked everyday this week and will be working again tomorrow, which is awesome. Today was a bit of a challenge, but I got through it. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. Either way, it's just good to be working, feeling useful, and making money.

...and I just got distracted by an article on the NTV news...someone bought a lock of Justin Bieber's hair for $40 000. Are you freaking kidding me? That's insane! Bonus for the charity the money is going to, I suppose, but I cannot understand how/why people would throw money around like that on something so silly. Why in the world would you want a lock of Justin Bieber's hair?!?!? It's beyond me...

Back to my world...the latest unwanted drama has become a waiting game and I am wondering how it will turn out. My stomach is in knots in the meantime. It's so hard to wait when you just want something to be resolved so you can let it go and be done with it. I suppose I could just ignore it and pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does. I've been on the reverse side of this situation - existing in the midst of so many lies and so much suspicion with eyes half open for so long, hoping against hope that I was wrong. The feeling/sensing but not knowing was an extended mental and emotional torture I could have done without. I hope I go about this the right way...

I also recently met one of the nicest guys who has ever crossed my path...at least that's what he appears to be so far. Only time will tell if that is a legitimate impression. I hope it is...whether it goes anywhere or not. It would just be nice to know there are some legitimately good guys out there. Yes, I'm feeling a little bitter and disillusioned at the moment...

Where There's One Lie...

Again, I will state that I would make a damn fine detective. And that my instincts are pretty good, even if I do reserve judgment and give people a chance - a lot of the time more than they deserve. As is the case here, folks. Remember the little white lies I mentioned previously? Well a little careful observation and browsing facebook et voila - it appears the liar in question WAS covering up something more. Like the fact that he's in a relationship....and has been seeing me (albeit casually). Now, the question is how to handle this information. I am one angry lady at the moment, but I think I will sleep on it and decide later what shall be done. This man once told me that he got the vibe that I am potentially dangerous...I am tempted to prove him right.

I am extremely disappointed. In so many ways, and on so many levels...