Unexpected Insights

Sometimes the universe throws you messages in bottles just when you need them...or, you know...you notice something with no real significance that strikes a chord and so feel the need to attach some meaning to them...whatever works. I have had a few such instances in the past few weeks and thought I'd share a couple of words of wisdom that the universe saw fit to put in my path...



From the tag of a Yogi Tea teabag: "Know your own worth and act with wisdom" - yep, I hear ya Yogi Tea...loud and clear!!! It's been a long journey, but I think I'm getting there. Thank you for the reminder. Much appreciated.



From an episode of Family Guy (Lois speaking to Meg about her sister Carol): "She has such low self-esteem that every time a man shows her the slightest glimmer of attention she rushes into something serious and gets her heart broken like a teenage girl." - Uh huh, uh huh...I hear ya Lois! That pretty much sums up my first two relationships! Let's hope the confidence and self-esteem stays where it should and I don't suffer from that particular affliction again! Thank you for the reminder. Much appreciated.

And finally, a little bit of a story for you...

I sat with a gay guy outside of Dusk for a bit over the weekend. As I smoked my cigarette, he was texting and ranting about a guy he was supposed to be meeting who said he was outside of Dusk and who neither of us saw hide nor hair of..."What does he look like?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied. "Have you ever met him before?" I asked. "Uh uh," he replied, "but I hope he shows up soon - I'm freezing my ass off here! I hate when guys stand me up. What a douche!" ...oh yes, Mr. Gay Guy (who's name I never got and wish I had) - I HEAR YOU. LOUD AND CLEAR. So comforting somehow to know that even gay guys have to contend with guys being jerks. Thank you for venting to me and giving me a feeling of solidarity. Much appreciated.

Grudgingly Conceding Defeat

I give up. It's official...Mr. Spectacular doesn't exist. I've been pretty sure that he is out there somewhere and always contradict my friends when they say such cynical things, but I think the sooner I accept that I was wrong and get it through my thick skull the better off I'll be. It looks like it's off to the glue factory for the dark horse...it was nice having that warm fuzzy feeling and knowing someone was 100% there for the brief time it lasted...as much as you can be 100% there long distance without having met (which sounds even more ludicrous without the warm fuzzy feeling to behind it). I sensed him pulling away and called him on it (his reason/excuse was that the reality of the situation had hit him in the face and if he were here we would definitely be giving it a try...who knows if that's the case or not, but I was grounding myself in reality until he convinced me to believe. Disappointing, to say the least, to take a leap of faith and then find your parachute isn't opening). In any case, I then decided to remove myself from the situation. Tough. But probably for the best. He was right, though, when he said it felt like a break up even though we hadn't even met. So weird. I feel like an idiot for putting so much faith in a man, but this one really did seem different and really did appear to be everything I was looking for...and claimed the same about me...guess now we'll never know...So, currently there are no interests on the horizon and no urge to re-open an online dating account. I just feel like I'm done. Ah, life...and the lessons I have stacked up...Memo to self: there is a reason you didn't put any real stock into meeting someone online, another reason you wouldn't previously entertain the notion of meeting and dating someone too far away to meet as soon as the comfort level was there, and yet another reason you have always shied away from long distance stuff in general...please do not ever forget that and get swept away again.

Tuesday Afternoon Funny

Well worth a watch if you're in need of a laugh :-)

Dark Horse

Well, all bets are off with the top 3. A dark horse has emerged and blown the competition into oblivion...

It started when I noticed that someone I had been chatting with a while ago (it didn't really go anywhere) had newly viewed my profile again. On a whim, I sent a hello. From there, the typical dialogue began...all of those standard conversation starters and Q and A stuff...harmless chit chat via email on the dating site that went on for a couple of days. But something changed. Somewhere along the way I intrigued him enough to ask for my number. I am usually loath to give my number to someone so quickly, but something about his words sparked something in me in return...to the point where I thought, "My God, could this be him?" Of course, I dismissed that as a flight of fancy inspired by overtiredness and the apparent contrast to the overabundance of wretched swine I've been subjected to (and subjected myself to in some cases) because you really can't know that quickly...can you?

...I know, I know...I have jumped the gun and let my hopes and dreams carry me ahead of my feet before. And so I am kind of hesitant and trying to keep myself grounded and level headed and not floating somewhere in the clouds... But I can't describe the effect this man has on me. He really appears to be everything I have been wanting and waiting for...and for once I don't think it's just me trying to convince myself that things are there because I want so desperately to see them in someone who interests me. Not only is he attractive, open, smart, funny, talented and sweet, there are no warning bells so far...I am not sure if that has ever happened over the course of my entire track record.

I'm in awe...and scared. Really, really scared. I cannot begin to describe the mixture of emotions I am experiencing, all jumbled together. I want to hope and believe again. I want to trust. I've already started to develop feelings for this guy, and I'm assured it's mutual...in fact, he 'fessed up before I did. And it feels like truth to me. I won't say I'm in love...but I care...and I am so tempted to throw caution to the wind and let myself fall. I'm happy and excited and apprehensively waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm calm and comforted and secure, yet kind of unbalanced and impatient and hopeless and fearing I'll somehow scare him away. Part of me wants to dive in and part of me is very carefully keeping it's distance. But I have divulged things to him that some of my friends are not even aware of...and I feel comfortable doing so. Considering we have only been getting to know each other for a couple of weeks at most, that's insanity is it not? God, I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass...

In the meantime, a few guys who were showing interest before (or who I was interested in myself in some cases) and had since disappeared, have magically re-appeared looking for my attention. And, with the exception of the 34 year old mentioned in my last post (who had a pretty good excuse for disappearing and all but begged me for a second chance...which I decided to give and which he also blew), I have not given it...nor even been tempted to. I closed my online dating account within days of talking to the new guy (he had closed his prior to that with no pressure for me to do the same...I wanted to. That's not happened since I opened it almost a year ago...I've hidden it from view by the dating community and/or lost interest from time to time and once or twice contemplated it, but never felt certain that I wanted to remove myself from the arena...something was telling me to wait).

There is one fly in the ointment, though (well, the only one I've really discovered so far). He's in Labrador. And we don't know when we will get to meet each other (but are both hoping it will be sooner rather than later) with our current circumstances. Normally, I would not even entertain the idea of talking to a romantic interest who wasn't close enough that I could go meet him and determine where things stood in person as soon as I felt comfortable...but I can't stand the thought of NOT entertaining the idea here. I want to know. We click so well online and on the phone and we've seen each other on cam...and, still, I tell myself, that is not the same as being in someones company. It's crazy, right? Who does this??? Certainly not this girl! In fact, I would send any of my friends who put themselves in this situation and spouted crazy talk like this for a psychiatric evaluation! How can you feel this way about someone you have never met? How can you miss them so much it hurts? We actually ask each other that...neither of us has an answer...but something inside me tells me this may very well be him. How is that possible?

...and so all I can do for now is cross my fingers and wait. And hope that something this wonderful and promising doesn't fizzle out before we get a chance to explore it further...

Tuesday Night Update

I have finally made the move to try subbing in central during the week and so I'm currently residing with the parents again....well, until Friday when I go back to my own residence for the weekend and decide what to do for the following week. So far there have been no calls, but I just got here tonight and was told that I'd be added to the list today so I guess that means tomorrow is the first day I could potentially expect a call. We shall see what happens...I am thinking I had best get myself prepared to go to work just in case.

My second national TV appearance (insignificant though it may be) is set to air tomorrow night (I'll be in the background on R.O.D, if you haven't guessed) and I will be singing with my choir on Saturday, provided I can make it back to town in time for the dress rehearsal Friday night.

The 34 year old has moved to the front of the dating candidates pack. I'm not sure when I will be meeting him, but I'm hoping it will be in the near future (which he has also said...but he has yet to ask me and I'll be damned if I ask him first). I think it's important to find out whether there is any attraction/chemistry/interest in person before too long rather than converse indefinitely and have no idea...that makes it a little pointless and false in my opinion, as you can't fake or force that stuff - it's either there or it isn't. We do seem to be in agreement on a lot of things that would make him a good candidate to possibly build something meaningful with, but that's all very much dependent on what happens (or doesn't happen) after we've met.

...and that's my life in a nutshell this evening, as far as I can tell...

Awesomeness

The Book of Awesome recently caught my attention at Chapters. I thought it was a great idea and so decided to follow it up online by visiting 1000 Awesome Things . In honor of that, I give to you my own short list of today's awesomeness for me off the top of my head (in no particular order):

1. It's a snow day! YAY!
2. The way my mother always leaves me voicemail messages in a singsong voice.
3. People have been talking positively and asking about me in a professional context. Awesome.
4. I am living in the same city as my best friends and my brother. What could be better than that???
5. I am looking forward to attending two parties tomorrow night. Sweet...
6. The Caramilk egg I had for dessert after lunch. YUM.
7. Shovelling after writing this will provide me with exercise for today. Bonus.
8. Yoga and a bath after shovelling would be most excellent. We shall see if I can make that happen...
9. I have the best cousin in the world who has a way of taking self-imposed pressure off of me. I love her so much for understanding and being able to do that.
10. I'm happy...which is always awesome :-)

Rays of Light

On the work front:

So ever since I made up my mind to go to Central the calls have been picking up. A case of "God helps those who help themselves," perhaps? I have my new criminal record check all ready to go, anyway, so I guess I just continue to play it by ear. It's still sporadic and it's hard to be in limbo from day to day, but at least the situation has improved. I actually made up my mind to go home last Monday and ended up getting 4 days of work that week and then this week I was all set to go again but got a call Sunday night, which led into work on Tuesday and Wednesday as well. Two of those were half days, however, so I guess really it only counts as 2 days of work. Better than back in the fall, but perhaps still not good enough to warrant sticking it out for the time being when I could maybe be getting 3-4 days every week....MAYBE. It's a shame none of it can be predicted, though. One never knows when another teacher will be away or whether they'll be called to fill in for him/her during that absence. And my mother just informed me that a couple of principals out in Central have been inquiring about me again...sigh...I just keep my fingers crossed and say a little prayer every night for someone/something to guide me and help me figure out what to do.

On the latest hurt front:

I think I am getting there in regard to moving past the cheating bastard...for real this time. I just needed some more time to process and wrap my head around a few things, adjust my thought patterns toward the situation, and let go of the missing and the associated feelings. He doesn't occupy my mind so much and I don't miss him as much and I don't torture myself so much with "what if" scenarios. So weird how we do that to ourselves. Even after we've decided it isn't right for us, we have moments of weakness when those thoughts creep back in and hold our minds and hearts hostage. I just keep reminding myself that he does not deserve a moment of my time or energy - whether he's aware of having it or not - and that even if his girlfriend did buy whatever bullshit he fed her, at some point she will have to face the truth and will probably be kicking herself for staying. Much as he obviously wasn't into me in an honest, I'm-free-and-want-to-get-to-know-you-and-give-this-a-shot sense, he's also not into her if he could do what he did. Which, even though I know he is not worthy of me anyway, makes me feel better for some reason.

On the dating front:

There are a few new prospects on the horizon...leading the pack are a 34 year old, a 31 year old and a - GASP! - 24 year old?!?! How did THAT happen??? I have yet to meet any of them, but have been conversing with each of them and trying to get a feel for their personalities and a sense of whether or not there are many commonalities. I've also turned down a few invites to dinners and coffees from other men for various reasons...although as I'm typing this I'm wondering if I should perhaps reconsider on one of those...I wonder if it's too late? Hmm...

...Back to the current top 3 jockeying for position, though...it's so odd how fleeting and fickle the whole online thing can be. The littlest things can make an impact one way or another and conversations spark and dwindle, and reignite in some cases, in such an unpredictable way. Sorry...just pondering that one out loud...or onscreen, as the case may be. Anyway, the 34 year old is probably most interesting to me at this particular point in time, but the 31 year old is most attentive and the 24 year old is just downright sweet. I would normally not even consider someone so young in a potentially romantic light, but after a week of chatting he screwed up the courage to ask me about it...

In all honesty, I met a 25 year old back in the fall and afterwards told myself, "Never again." It just felt so weird to me. Same deal with the 43 year old I also met back in the fall. They kind of pushed the limits of my comfort zone in terms of age range of romantic interests, and neither of them made a very positive impression on me (although in retrospect this was probably more due to a lack of chemistry and/or attraction than their respective ages. I'm sure I would have been more forgiving and willing to look past that if the maturity was there in the 25 year old or the attraction was there with the 43 year old)...so I've been more careful when deciding whether or not to meet guys close to those ages. Most times I've shied away, but there were a few 26 year olds I was willing to give a chance. Then again, when I first looked at online dating, I wasn't even going to consider 28 and 29 year olds. It was 30 and up and even 30 was pushing it.

I guess you could say I've reevaluated my concept of a comfortable and acceptable age range to date several times in the past year. However, at this point, more and more, I'm of the opinion that it depends on the person in question. I know, I know, it's a no-brainer. It's easy to generalize though, especially with the younger guys - and I really am more hesitant to meet them because of it - but the truth is, there are older guys who are still into the same things and behaving the same way. SO, while I don't plan on dating any 20 year olds anytime in the foreseeable future, I'm thinking 24 may not be that bad as long as the 24 year old in question is on the same page as I am. My mother met my stepfather when he was 25ish and she was in her early 30s and they have been together ever since. So, despite my skepticism, I know it is possible to connect with someone younger. Likewise, I have a friend who is 30 and with a 42 year old and happier than she's ever been...but that side of things in relation to myself weirds me out even more because that's just too close to my stepfather's age. So yeah, while I tend to avoid those situations, I'm not closing myself off to the possibility entirely...while my Mr. Right would ideally be between 26-36 at this point in the reevaluation process, I wouldn't want to overlook him due to self-imposed age restrictions. Which brings us back to the no-brainer...if someone intrigues me and I feel the potential for a good connection, I owe it to myself to explore it. Wouldn't you agree?