This One's For The Birds

Oddly enough, I wrote about birds last night and today this visitor showed up in our shed. My stepfather went out after supper to get a saw for a friend and heard something banging. He went upstairs and saw this robin flying repeatedly into the window. The poor bugger had beaten itself out. We figure it must've gotten in unnoticed earlier this morning when he was in there and he unknowingly locked it in for a few hours. Anyway, after I snapped this pic, my stepfather opened his hand and waited until it decided to fly away...it was obviously tired and a little worse for wear, but thankfully he found it in time before it seriously injured itself...

Mr. Furley Lives

This post is a little late in coming, but I feel the need to write today and remembered that I'd meant to write about this...

Spring has sprung. I know this not because the snow has melted and the plants are sprouting. Nope. I know it because my stepfather is preparing for the return of 'his' swallows. According to him, they show up about the same time every year: May 24th weekend. SO, in preparation for this, he stocks up on bird feed (which he has anyway because there are bird feeders out front that he keeps topped up year round...he has actually been known to get out the binoculars and crouch in the window to get a close up of the colourful avians that visit...hence my mother's affectionately dubbing him Mr. Furley from time to time), cleans the birdhouse, and whatever else it entails...I have to admit, I don't keep close tabs on him but he does seem rather busy getting things ready for them. Last year, he tried to put me on birdwatching duty while he and my mother went to Florida for a couple of weeks to visit family. I shook my head and rolled my eyes heavenward, but humoured him a little. How I was supposed to stop sparrows and others from taking up residence before the arrival of his beloved swallows I have no clue. But whatever makes him happy...They showed up and moved in without any interference or encouragement from me so I guess that worked out alright.

This year things were a little different. My stepfather had just started a new job that requires him flying to and from the job site and he was scheduled to be away for May 24th weekend. He didn't let that stop him from securing the swallows for the season, though. No, he went through his habitual birdhouse prepping earlier than normal and rigged up something that made me question why, exactly, he has not been featured on The Red Green Show. What was it, you ask? Well...I really wish I had thought to take a picture. I suppose it wasn't anything too special, but I happen to think it was rather ingenious and hilarious. My stepfather actually put elastics around a rag to fashion a plug for the entrance to the birdhouse. This was also attached to a rope that was secured around the pole atop which the birdhouse sits. He left my mother with the instructions to untie the rope and use it to pull the plug upon the first swallow sighting. There were a tense few days after I had spotted them and she had failed to pull the plug when I teased that she would be fired since the swallows had booked another place when they discovered the hotel was closed...however, they came back and are, happily, now residing in the birdhouse out back...much to 'Mr. Furley's' delight ;-)

Respites In Lieu of Remedies

So I feel like all I've done lately (on here especially) is whine and complain. This is my attempt to remedy that a little... I went for a walk in Bowring Park today. I did part of the South Brook trail and the loop between the duck ponds a couple of times as well. It took everything I had to get through the door, but I'm so glad I went. My only regret is that I didn't think to bring my camera (so I may cheat and post an old pic of the park if I can find one on my external drive later). It was glorious. The wind in my hair and the sun on my face, the babbling brooks and shade speckled forest floor, the birds flitting here and there, the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds, the beautiful tulips....I really did my best to drink it all in and appreciate every aspect of the incredible gift of nature. I reminded myself that I am lucky and blessed just to be able to go for a walk, by myself, in that kind of setting. I smiled at everyone I passed...at first I faked it, but by the end I think they were actually genuine. I suppose that's something. And now, after returning home and making an omelette for lunch, I am thankful to find that my spirits have been buoyed for the time being. I feel...not happy and carefree and not as if things have meaning again and I have a purpose...but OK. Calm. Grateful for the little things. The flu that has been preventing me from being active and getting exercise seems to be getting better and so that should help. Nothing like breaking a sweat to help keep stress and anxiety in check. Anyway...time to go attempt some productivity and hopefully tonight get out and do something social or at least take in a movie with a friend...we shall see...

Seeking Solace

What do you do when your world has been in shambles around your feet for longer than you anticipated? Where do you turn? How do you fill the void? They say the greatest growth occurs when we are tested...either mine has been stunted or I'm so lost right now that I don't remember how. I feel trapped in this empty place where I am frustrated and unfulfilled. I want to put myself on the right track, but I'll be damned if I know what that is anymore...if I ever did. Nothing brings comfort at this point. I see no point in anything anymore and I ache. I guess the only thing to do is to keep moving and trying to rebuild...but I'm tired. I am so tired of waiting and trying to be patient. I am so tired of feeling unsatisfied. I hope and I wish and I pray, but nothing seems to change. They say you must be the change you want to see in the world...or something like that...where has my motivation gone? What can I try that I haven't already? Who can I talk to? Where can I go? How do I make things the way I want them? Do I even know what that looks like anymore? When is this going to get better.....?

Boredom Reigns

OK, so boredom won out and I finally opened another dating account. What the hell was I thinking? It's pointless, really, but the real world hasn't seen fit to throw anything or anyone interesting or exciting my way in a while. However, my guard is up and my hopes are down in terms of what I will encounter there. I guess sometimes it's just about survival and whatever gets you through. The smoking as been an uphill battle. I am hovering at about 5-7 a day most days. Could be worse, I suppose, but could most definitely also be better. The weight has started to climb again as well, I think. I'm half afraid to check. I would really like it to go down and stay down. I've been sick for the past week and a half as well, so that isn't helping. On the bright side, I've been getting pretty steady work...but it won't be enough to keep me afloat for the summer and I've been seriously stressed contemplating that. However, I also realize there's nothing I can do about it at this point until the school year ends for various reasons. It's disheartening to be applying for positions all over the island and not getting any responses whatsoever. But despite the probable negative tone of this post, I am actually feeling more unaffected than upset by all this at the moment. It would just be nice to have some stability and certainty...and life really does get boring and lonely sometimes. I miss being on the stage. And I miss having someone to love and being loved in return...well I suppose I was loved in return. Who knows anymore with everything that's come out in the wash. Just anyone won't do though. I really don't have it in me to date for the hell of it right now. I want something with substance and potential or nothing at all. At this rate, it looks like it's going to be nothing at all for a long time to come. I hope it gets easier. There are times I feel fine and strong and could care less that I am alone. There are times I thoroughly embrace it. There are also times when I feel a gaping hole in my soul and in my life that I am unable to fill. I want more out of my time on earth than this...

Conversations at the Counter

The other day I went to the gas station to fill up my car. As soon as I paid, the lady behind the counter (who happens to be an acquaintance of my mother...it's a small town...) said to me with a smile, "So, any plan to have any babies anytime soon? I think your Mom is wanting to be a grandmother now." Needless to say, I was a little taken aback. I replied, "Well I guess I kind of have to find someone first, and there aren't any prospects on the horizon these days!" accompanied with a token laugh. "Oh," she said, "I'm sorry...I didn't know..." "It's OK," I responded, trying to ease her awkwardness, "I left my boyfriend over a year ago. It just didn't work out." She gave me that half-pitying look reserved for the 30 and up crowd who are still un-hitched and I continued on, "Well I'd rather be with the right one and he wasn't it, so..." "Yes," she reluctantly agreed, "I s'pose you got to find the right one first, eh maid..."

Sometimes it's great to know you're single and all your options are still open. Sometimes it also sucks to be caught unawares and reminded of what you don't have and how you don't fit with society's expectations. However, I'd still rather be in this boat than sailing downstream without a paddle chained to a man who isn't right for me and possibly with a few kids in tow...I'd take freedom over that any day, as lonely and boring as it may be sometimes when nothing is certain and nothing seems to be happening.

The Doldrums

I haven't written anything in a long time...not even in my journal. I'm not quite sure why that is except that I don't have much to say these days as there is not much going on in my world on the surface. Things are pretty boring and quiet. I'm kind of panicked about the work situation, as the school year is winding down and I am not EI eligible at present, so I have no safety net. I'm still in central crossing my fingers and currently applying for positions for the upcoming year and looking to see what is out there to tide me over in the meantime. It's not a comfortable position to be in.

The man ban is still in effect, and so the dating aspect of my life is dead at present. I have, however, been trying to be more physically active. I went for a 7-8K hike over the weekend and I've started jogging periodically...I was walking and doing yoga fairly regularly anyway, but felt the need to ramp it up a little. I'm hoping it will result in increased health and wellness and getting back on track with weight loss, but if nothing else, it gets the endorphins going for a time. Oh, how laughable that would have been to contemplate in my younger years, but I'm quite proud of myself for the effort these days.

Other than that, there really isn't much to talk about. Everything is up in the air, as it has been for far too long now. The only constants have been the love, support, and company of my family and my closest friends. I guess that is enough to be thankful for in the interim, but I pray to have the means to stand on my own two feet and obtain some stability soon...