The Battle of Head Vs Heart

I've been thinking of him a lot today. The Labradorian. The urge to call him tonight was so strong that I went as far as to look up his number online (I had purposely deleted all his contact information along with removing him from my facebook friends list weeks ago. The intent was to obliterate all temptation to reach out to him. I wanted to erase the sick feeling seeing his name and face engendered in me after I came to the realization that things weren't as they had been between us. Who needs constant reminders of disappointment like that?). I fought it. But it was hard. And he's still on my mind.

It's a little embarrassing to admit that I kept our correspondence (along with one of the voicemail messages he left me...how pathetic is that?). I haven't been able to bring myself to delete it yet and tonight was the first time I allowed myself to reread some of the emails. Probably not a good idea, in retrospect. But I knew that before I started to read (sucker for punishment much?).

I did the math and realized that it's been 6 weeks since the last message. It was one I wrote to him...one that he didn't respond to. And that sent a message of it's own, loud and clear. It's part of the reason I didn't pick up the phone in the end. If he wanted to talk to me he could've called or emailed. He didn't. So why subject myself to further rejection and embarrassment? Why give him the ammunition to take another shot at my pride? I know what I would say to a friend if she was in my position. Somehow that is cold comfort. Yet it is also the thought of appearing weak and stupid in my friends eyes that also halted my hand in it's tracks when it was itching to reach for the receiver. I don't think any of them would actually say that to me, but I wonder if they would think it. I might.

This is relatively new territory for me. Usually if I do get the notion to contact someone like that, it goes away almost as quickly as it came or I can talk myself out of it fairly quickly, at least. Not so in this case. I keep wanting to believe he was different. And the psychic the other day didn't help. He (the psychic) said that The Labradorian was a very pleasant man and that our conversations had been good (tell me something I don't know). He said that The Labradorian might be the one and then again maybe not (vague and inconclusive, I know, but enough to replant the seed of longing somewhat). He said that it couldn't hurt to contact The Labradorian...that if he is The One, things will pan out and if he isn't then they won't go anywhere (genius, no?).

As I said before, I'm not even sure how much I buy into psychic readings and whatnot...but it was enough to up the amount The Labradorian has been on my mind again and to make me start pondering everything again...not that I ever really stopped. Is it just loneliness and lack of another interest that continually brings him to the forefront of my mind and makes me wonder how he's doing and whether he thinks of me? Is that the driving force behind this desire to hear his voice? Is it just that the silly, typical, good girl part of me is wondering whether I did something wrong to cause this and whether there is a way to fix it? Or is it more than that? Should I take a risk? Or should I just give my head a shake and reaffirm (once again) that he obviously was not the right one and isn't worth my time, thoughts, or energy anymore?

I guess I'll resort to doing what I've been doing off and on for the past 6 weeks whenever it's cropped up...sit with it for another night while simultaneously trying to shove it out of my consciousness...but I won't deny that I hope fate decides to put us in the same place sometime just to see what would happen...

There are times when I think that, in some ways, it might actually be better to be a man...

Psychics, Comedians, and Fairs

Happily, yesterday was great. My girl and I spent it together and packed it with fun stuff. We started by visiting a psychic (who was adamant I will marry once and have a child or two, among other things, so perhaps there's still an out from spinsterhood at some point, who knows...). I'm not sure if I buy into that stuff or not, but it's entertaining either way and it kind of does give you something to hang on to and look forward to (provided you are told what you wanted to hear, which I mostly was). The BFF got a good reading as well. Thankfully the guy verified what I've been telling her for months - that her ex wasn't good for her and the best thing she ever did was finally walk away from him. Hallelujah. I might have had some real trouble on my hands if he had said otherwise!

Following that, we went back to her pad to regroup and then took ourselves to Yuk Yuk's for dinner and live comedy. I had the pasta, she had the chicken, and we both topped it off with the cheesecake and a cup of tea (proper party animals, aren't we?). The food wasn't great, but it was OK. I'd recommend the chicken over the pasta I think. She joked that she's sick of looking like a lesbian out in public with me. Let's just say we spend a lot of time together and there have been a few incidents that could have been misconstrued by onlookers...comments taken out of context, tasting each other's food and whatnot. It's a huge inside joke at this point. Might as well laugh! Speaking of laughter...the Yuk Yuk's comedy lineup?...well...not exactly hilarious, but the comics (host Dave Martin and hometown girl Lisa Baker) had their moments and I did laugh quite a bit at some of the headliner, Stephen Patterson's, bits.

After a brief foray into Chapters to peruse the shelves, we decided to go for a drive. I happened to notice lights in the Zellers parking lot on Stavanger and we popped in to jump on a couple of rides at Thomas Amusements. The Catch N Air was decent (lots of laughs punctuated with bursts of screams, mostly from moi, as we realized someone was filming as the ride went by and also that we were probably overdressed for the fair and very likely the oldest customers on the premises), but the Tornado (although we got to enjoy it solo to romantic music playing - what more could you ask?) was rather underwhelming.

The one bad point is that, unfortunately, a few couples came in and sat in the seats directly below us. Why was that bad? Well, because they all (the females especially) apparently deemed it necessary to bathe in perfume and cologne before heading out for the evening. This means that, despite popping allergy pills at the first onslaught and afterwards, I suffered for the rest of the night and continue to suffer today. My nose was running, my throat got all scratchy and irritated, my skin was itching, my voice has been coming and going, I developed a headache, my sinuses are now stuffed, and I've been coughing off and on. Lovely. I just got over the flu and I'm sick again. Most pleasant. Is it that people still remain uneducated about or unaware of this stuff or just that they don't give a shit what effect it has on others? Sigh....so hard not to be bitter and harbour an intense dislike and resentment of these random perpetrators...I will say that the thought, "Thanks for making me sick assholes!" has crossed my mind....I know, I know...people have a right to wear whatever fragrances they like yadda yadda...but I have a right to go to public places as well and hopefully be able to enjoy myself in comfort, do I not? I have been in these situations before and either changed seats or left the venue, but I paid a little more than I'd like to have to up and leave without seeing the show and there weren't any other seats we could move to, so that wasn't an option. I dunno...I think a person's right to be well outweighs someones wanting to smell like a chemical factory...and at the very least, do you really need people to be able to smell you that far away??? Then again, I'm obviously biased. Either way, I seriously hope one day they find out firsthand what it's like to be bombarded by things out of your control that make you ill.

Working On It

I have been trying to take realistic positive steps to improve my mood and my life in general. I'm happy to report that I've kept the cigarette quota to 5-6 for the past week or so and I've been making a concerted effort to slug back more H2O. I've also hit mom's new treadmill for the past two nights and tried to jog for at least half the time I was on there. I am working at eating more fruits and veggies and trying to curb the emotional junk food binges. I've been renewing the job searching efforts as well, and taking more time to read and write. Sleep is still a bit of an issue, but I figure I'm not doing too badly in the grand scheme of things...provided I can keep chipping away at all those things until I get to where I want to be.

Oh, and this is noteworthy: in further attempts to shake the black dog that's been hounding me, I also went in search of some funnies today. I added a list of those sites I deemed worthy of revisiting to my blog. Check 'em out if you need a laugh.

This One's For The Birds

Oddly enough, I wrote about birds last night and today this visitor showed up in our shed. My stepfather went out after supper to get a saw for a friend and heard something banging. He went upstairs and saw this robin flying repeatedly into the window. The poor bugger had beaten itself out. We figure it must've gotten in unnoticed earlier this morning when he was in there and he unknowingly locked it in for a few hours. Anyway, after I snapped this pic, my stepfather opened his hand and waited until it decided to fly away...it was obviously tired and a little worse for wear, but thankfully he found it in time before it seriously injured itself...

Mr. Furley Lives

This post is a little late in coming, but I feel the need to write today and remembered that I'd meant to write about this...

Spring has sprung. I know this not because the snow has melted and the plants are sprouting. Nope. I know it because my stepfather is preparing for the return of 'his' swallows. According to him, they show up about the same time every year: May 24th weekend. SO, in preparation for this, he stocks up on bird feed (which he has anyway because there are bird feeders out front that he keeps topped up year round...he has actually been known to get out the binoculars and crouch in the window to get a close up of the colourful avians that visit...hence my mother's affectionately dubbing him Mr. Furley from time to time), cleans the birdhouse, and whatever else it entails...I have to admit, I don't keep close tabs on him but he does seem rather busy getting things ready for them. Last year, he tried to put me on birdwatching duty while he and my mother went to Florida for a couple of weeks to visit family. I shook my head and rolled my eyes heavenward, but humoured him a little. How I was supposed to stop sparrows and others from taking up residence before the arrival of his beloved swallows I have no clue. But whatever makes him happy...They showed up and moved in without any interference or encouragement from me so I guess that worked out alright.

This year things were a little different. My stepfather had just started a new job that requires him flying to and from the job site and he was scheduled to be away for May 24th weekend. He didn't let that stop him from securing the swallows for the season, though. No, he went through his habitual birdhouse prepping earlier than normal and rigged up something that made me question why, exactly, he has not been featured on The Red Green Show. What was it, you ask? Well...I really wish I had thought to take a picture. I suppose it wasn't anything too special, but I happen to think it was rather ingenious and hilarious. My stepfather actually put elastics around a rag to fashion a plug for the entrance to the birdhouse. This was also attached to a rope that was secured around the pole atop which the birdhouse sits. He left my mother with the instructions to untie the rope and use it to pull the plug upon the first swallow sighting. There were a tense few days after I had spotted them and she had failed to pull the plug when I teased that she would be fired since the swallows had booked another place when they discovered the hotel was closed...however, they came back and are, happily, now residing in the birdhouse out back...much to 'Mr. Furley's' delight ;-)

Respites In Lieu of Remedies

So I feel like all I've done lately (on here especially) is whine and complain. This is my attempt to remedy that a little... I went for a walk in Bowring Park today. I did part of the South Brook trail and the loop between the duck ponds a couple of times as well. It took everything I had to get through the door, but I'm so glad I went. My only regret is that I didn't think to bring my camera (so I may cheat and post an old pic of the park if I can find one on my external drive later). It was glorious. The wind in my hair and the sun on my face, the babbling brooks and shade speckled forest floor, the birds flitting here and there, the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds, the beautiful tulips....I really did my best to drink it all in and appreciate every aspect of the incredible gift of nature. I reminded myself that I am lucky and blessed just to be able to go for a walk, by myself, in that kind of setting. I smiled at everyone I passed...at first I faked it, but by the end I think they were actually genuine. I suppose that's something. And now, after returning home and making an omelette for lunch, I am thankful to find that my spirits have been buoyed for the time being. I feel...not happy and carefree and not as if things have meaning again and I have a purpose...but OK. Calm. Grateful for the little things. The flu that has been preventing me from being active and getting exercise seems to be getting better and so that should help. Nothing like breaking a sweat to help keep stress and anxiety in check. Anyway...time to go attempt some productivity and hopefully tonight get out and do something social or at least take in a movie with a friend...we shall see...

Seeking Solace

What do you do when your world has been in shambles around your feet for longer than you anticipated? Where do you turn? How do you fill the void? They say the greatest growth occurs when we are tested...either mine has been stunted or I'm so lost right now that I don't remember how. I feel trapped in this empty place where I am frustrated and unfulfilled. I want to put myself on the right track, but I'll be damned if I know what that is anymore...if I ever did. Nothing brings comfort at this point. I see no point in anything anymore and I ache. I guess the only thing to do is to keep moving and trying to rebuild...but I'm tired. I am so tired of waiting and trying to be patient. I am so tired of feeling unsatisfied. I hope and I wish and I pray, but nothing seems to change. They say you must be the change you want to see in the world...or something like that...where has my motivation gone? What can I try that I haven't already? Who can I talk to? Where can I go? How do I make things the way I want them? Do I even know what that looks like anymore? When is this going to get better.....?