Reflection

So this is it...the first day of 2012. I must admit, there is a shift in me today...but I think it's one that has been formulating inside for quite some time. It doesn't feel like anything monumental. Just another day. But an opportunity to make a new start and get off on the right foot. I'm glad that I'm not hungover today. New Year's Eve was less than thrilling and I came home from the Sheraton at 10am-ish this morning. But I'm happy. There was no kiss at midnight, I barely danced, and I hardly drank...in fact, I didn't even have anything to sip on to toast and yell "CHEERS!" when the countdown ended...but I was with my girls. New memories were created and the most obscure encounters of the evening stirred some kind of deeper understanding in me. When the New Year was rung in, we were standing on the dance floor - together. It also feels good to be able to function right now...I've unpacked my bag, done the dishes, and started laundry since arriving chez moi. Mundane? Totally. Yet also satisfying. It's better than being sick or just going to bed and sleeping the day away. I feel older, wiser, and there is a sense of accomplishment inherent in not having a kick ass time on the biggest party night of the year, but still being able to appreciate it for what it was.

2011 was a great learning experience. There were lots of fun times and lots of not so fun times. I found myself living it up and making up for the loss of my social life in my 20s and I also found myself drowning in my own sorrows on more than one occasion, lost and drifting in an endless sea of uncertainty. There was excitement and there was heartbreak. I didn't accomplish a lot of the things I had wished to, but I did come into my own a little more on the inside. Here's hoping 2012 brings more progress and stability my way...and brings you whatever it is that you would like to have in your own life. May it be kind to us all. 

PS: I have decided that January 10th will be my quit smoking date. The weaning starts today. 

Dear Santa

I know you couldn't leave what I want most under the tree, but I really hope you see fit to deliver it at some point this year. In fact, that would be very much appreciated.

The Driver's Seat

I've come to realize, yet again, that I've been on cruise control for far too long. It's time to re-evaluate my position, figure out what it is that I want, take myself off auto-pilot and go get it. Wish me luck. I'm very conflicted right now in many areas and I think I may really need it. The clock is ticking...

Dear Blog

I am having a very frustrating and stressful day, and I feel completely and utterly alone...

On the work front, I am not doing as well with subbing in central as I had hoped to this time around, and I don't want to be out here anyway...so I decided to go back to town after the holidays and give it a go in there again. However, a position was just posted that I may have a shot at getting...in central. Since I am in a very real bind financially, being owed money from EI, health insurance, and the school board (and being unable to reach anyone to remedy those things) and being penniless and living in my overdraft at present, this creates a real dilemma for me. I have an interview to see if I qualify for the French sublists in the Eastern District, but I'm not sure how long it will take before I find out. Being approved would up my chances of getting decent sub time in there, I think, but it's never guaranteed. I'm seriously nervous and afraid I won't make it, though. I haven't been actively practicing speaking or writing in French in years and this is majorly intimidating for me. I have no idea what to expect, except that it includes some written and some oral. And whether I do make it or not, I still don't know if I will get enough work to pay the bills and keep myself afloat. So...make more sacrifices to my life and happiness for my finances...or not? You can't really live without money, but making money and not living makes no sense either. Being an adult sucks, sometimes.

Which brings me to the holidays. Last year I pretty much had a meltdown there for a bit contemplating my first one solo in quite some time. This year it's worse in the fact that I can't afford to even get presents for my immediate family, let alone any token for my friends or anyone else. I feel pretty crappy about that, even though I know it's not supposed to be all about monetary stuff. It's just another sad reminder of the state I'm in. When is it going to get better? I ask myself that almost daily at this point...sigh...

As far as dating goes, I'm not really sure what's on the go. I've been contacted by a number of men, but I haven't really been bothering to respond much. I'm just so tired of the flavour of the week/month scene. Don't get me wrong, it was a ton of fun there for a while and I wouldn't trade my experiences or the learning that resulted from them. But I've been unsettled in my career and my love life for long enough now. I would just like some stability, please. I don't know if I will be seeing the guy from this summer or not over the holidays...take it as it comes, I suppose. Likewise with the friend with the blurry lines. I think it's safe to say we are no longer solely in friendship territory, and I'm trying not to analyze and just go with it, but it's difficult. I don't want to hurt or be hurt and I don't know if he's who I've been looking for or not, so it's a struggle. I don't want to put time and effort into anything that's not going anywhere, but it takes time to figure that out and I don't want to write him off just yet. The more I get to know him the better he looks to me, in a lot of ways, despite my reservations. I like him and I care about him and I find myself thinking of him and missing him more often. On the other hand, it feels like the same ol' same ol' in that now that I'm catching up in that department, he seems to be backing off somewhat. Oh, and the friend of a friend who disappeared on me back in September, never to be heard from again? He is apparently moving to town, now. For some reason, this bothers me. I didn't care when I heard he was dating again, but knowing we will be in closer proximity to each other and there's a chance I may run into him doesn't sit well with me.

Finally, my weight appears to be on the upswing since the summer ended. Not too happy about that and hoping to change it pronto. Also hoping to change being a smoker again. I'm not happy about that either, and haven't been since I picked it back up. It makes no sense. But it's where I'm at and I'll save you from the whole ranting spiel I could go into there and simply say I hope to find the motivation, determination, and discipline to kick it soon.

Long story short, I am feeling incredibly down and confused and a lot of things are getting to me, although I know things could be a lot worse. I'm home alone and everyone I would normally talk to is unavailable for some reason or other at present. I'm sure I'll be fine, and I know there are a lot worse things I could have to contend with and I'm very lucky I don't have them on my plate...but I really need a hug right now and just to be told that everything is going to be OK.

Month of the Booty Call

It would appear that November is officially find a FWB month. I say this because a number of men from my past have suddenly reappeared looking to re-establish contact, chat and/or hang out with me and I'm pretty sure that's what all of them are looking for. Since late October, I've heard from the guy I was dating when I first moved home, the guy with the girlfriend, the married guy, the 41 year old, one of the 26 year olds from last year (who is now 27), and one of the guys I dated last winter. There are a couple of new ones who are just as transparent. I've made it clear I'm not in the market for that, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. It's kind of annoying, actually, so I've cut communication with the majority of them. I suppose I could be flattered that I could actually compose a list of potential f*** buddies...but I tend to find it more tiring than anything...and more than a tad insulting, to be honest.

I've also heard from the 28 year old I went on a couple of dates with this summer who went back to Nova Scotia. He actually seemed legit and will be coming home in December for a while...and there's an incredibly sweet guy I have been talking to since September and have hung out with several times. We were treating it as a friendship, but this weekend the lines got a little blurred. I'm not sure how I feel about that and I've been straight with him about my confusion. I dunno...see how it plays out, I suppose.

In other news, I'm in central subbing and going stir crazy. The original plan was to go back to St. John's ASAP when my contract ended...then it became stay out here until the holidays and give it a go in town when school starts up again in January but I honestly don't know if I can take it. It's so hard to know what to be doing in terms of career and finances. It's times like this I wonder if I would've been better off sticking it out in BC solo. But I can't regret being able to see friends and family and all the experiences I've had since coming home. Hopefully time will sort it all out for me. Although it feels like I've been in this boat way too long and not much has changed. Frustration, anyone?

A Long Overdue Update

October was craziness, pure and simple. I was finishing up my work contract and it consumed my life. I was also sorting through the remnants of what happened with the last Mr. Not So Spectacular. I'm happy to say I got past it entirely, finally.

November has been busy for a different reason. I've been back in town; catching up with friends and family and dating up a storm, as well as trying to set myself up for future work. I've met a couple of interesting guys, but I'm not sure if anything will go anywhere and, frankly, I don't care one way or the other at this point. Whatever happens, happens. I am getting better at weeding out the ones who are not what I'm looking for, so that's a plus.

In other news, I've also booked a long overdue trip off this island. I'll be meeting my cousin in New York for 5 days in May. Should be fun.

It's hard to be back in this boat - unemployed and uncertain of anything from day to day (the two month replacement was nice in that at least I knew what was going on in that time frame). I am keeping my fingers crossed and starting to send up some prayers that I hope will be answered, favourably, in the not too distant future.

Happy Turkey Day

Tis the season to count blessings, so here are a few of my gratitude inducers:

A wonderful family and great friends, all - thankfully - mostly healthy

The job I have until the end of the month

Having all my basic needs met and many wants besides

My own health being intact and still possessing all my senses and limbs and being able to use them

Having had the opportunity to earn two university degrees

Being aware of, and having the ability to appreciate, the wonders and beauty that surround me in everyday life

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope it is most enjoyable for you and yours, wherever you may be :).