Panic

So I was going to write in my journal today...and then I realized that it is evidently on the missing list. NOT GOOD. My mind is racing, trying to think of where it may be. It's not like me to be careless with something so personal and revealing. That book chronicles my experiences and details my innermost thoughts and feelings...it's like an extension of my soul. I shudder to think who may read and what they may discover and am praying it turns up somewhere in my apartment, safe from prying eyes...

In other news, I blew the quit plan to smithereens and I have two days left before the 10th. The addiction is starting to play with my brain. It's trying to convince me to make deals with myself that I know I will break.  I'm reaching deep inside to find the necessary resolve and rise above it.

Wish me luck, on both counts!

Envy

I was wasting time on facebook and stumbled across some pictures posted by an acquaintance of mine. I experienced mixed emotions looking at them...vicarious joy and wonder at her experiences (this woman is amazing and very well rounded), inspiration to go out there, grab life by the balls, and start LIVING, regret that I didn't get to know her better while I was in the same vicinity, envy that I didn't get to do any of those things myself whilst on the other side of the country (or at all, in some cases), longing for BC, and the sad realization that looking at glimpses of someone else's life was making me view my own as empty, mundane, and devoid of excitement and fulfillment.

Thankfully, I had the sense to get outta there instead of stay and wallow in self-pity. But before I left, I sent her a positive message to counteract the negativity attempting to creep in. I also told myself that comparing my own life to someone else's is futile. We are all our own people, we have our own personalities and our own paths to travel. My time will come. I am putting the steps in place to eventually reconcile my dreams with my reality. I just have to remember to keep working towards what I want and not let discouragement, anxiety and fear stop me in my tracks any more than they already have. I also have to account for the fact that her income is much higher than mine at present and, much as money can't buy happiness, it is a requisite for a lot of activities. So, again, renewed determination to go for progress and stability this year. I have been booked for work Monday morning...that is a start. I also came to the conclusion, once again, that I need to broaden my circle of friends. If you continue to mix with the same small group of people, chances are you are never going to meet anyone new or be introduced to new and different things. I need those opportunities to experience increased diversity. It's time to step outside of my comfort zone once again and see what happens...

Up and Running

I'm quite proud of myself. I have so far devised a quit plan, made a list of schools to hit (8 of which I visited today), printed off resumes, and cleaned and tidied a couple more little sections of my apartment. I am oozing positivity and good vibes and I love it :) I think I may have finally regained my balance. Here's hoping I can keep it and make it work for me!

Reflection

So this is it...the first day of 2012. I must admit, there is a shift in me today...but I think it's one that has been formulating inside for quite some time. It doesn't feel like anything monumental. Just another day. But an opportunity to make a new start and get off on the right foot. I'm glad that I'm not hungover today. New Year's Eve was less than thrilling and I came home from the Sheraton at 10am-ish this morning. But I'm happy. There was no kiss at midnight, I barely danced, and I hardly drank...in fact, I didn't even have anything to sip on to toast and yell "CHEERS!" when the countdown ended...but I was with my girls. New memories were created and the most obscure encounters of the evening stirred some kind of deeper understanding in me. When the New Year was rung in, we were standing on the dance floor - together. It also feels good to be able to function right now...I've unpacked my bag, done the dishes, and started laundry since arriving chez moi. Mundane? Totally. Yet also satisfying. It's better than being sick or just going to bed and sleeping the day away. I feel older, wiser, and there is a sense of accomplishment inherent in not having a kick ass time on the biggest party night of the year, but still being able to appreciate it for what it was.

2011 was a great learning experience. There were lots of fun times and lots of not so fun times. I found myself living it up and making up for the loss of my social life in my 20s and I also found myself drowning in my own sorrows on more than one occasion, lost and drifting in an endless sea of uncertainty. There was excitement and there was heartbreak. I didn't accomplish a lot of the things I had wished to, but I did come into my own a little more on the inside. Here's hoping 2012 brings more progress and stability my way...and brings you whatever it is that you would like to have in your own life. May it be kind to us all. 

PS: I have decided that January 10th will be my quit smoking date. The weaning starts today. 

Dear Santa

I know you couldn't leave what I want most under the tree, but I really hope you see fit to deliver it at some point this year. In fact, that would be very much appreciated.

The Driver's Seat

I've come to realize, yet again, that I've been on cruise control for far too long. It's time to re-evaluate my position, figure out what it is that I want, take myself off auto-pilot and go get it. Wish me luck. I'm very conflicted right now in many areas and I think I may really need it. The clock is ticking...

Dear Blog

I am having a very frustrating and stressful day, and I feel completely and utterly alone...

On the work front, I am not doing as well with subbing in central as I had hoped to this time around, and I don't want to be out here anyway...so I decided to go back to town after the holidays and give it a go in there again. However, a position was just posted that I may have a shot at getting...in central. Since I am in a very real bind financially, being owed money from EI, health insurance, and the school board (and being unable to reach anyone to remedy those things) and being penniless and living in my overdraft at present, this creates a real dilemma for me. I have an interview to see if I qualify for the French sublists in the Eastern District, but I'm not sure how long it will take before I find out. Being approved would up my chances of getting decent sub time in there, I think, but it's never guaranteed. I'm seriously nervous and afraid I won't make it, though. I haven't been actively practicing speaking or writing in French in years and this is majorly intimidating for me. I have no idea what to expect, except that it includes some written and some oral. And whether I do make it or not, I still don't know if I will get enough work to pay the bills and keep myself afloat. So...make more sacrifices to my life and happiness for my finances...or not? You can't really live without money, but making money and not living makes no sense either. Being an adult sucks, sometimes.

Which brings me to the holidays. Last year I pretty much had a meltdown there for a bit contemplating my first one solo in quite some time. This year it's worse in the fact that I can't afford to even get presents for my immediate family, let alone any token for my friends or anyone else. I feel pretty crappy about that, even though I know it's not supposed to be all about monetary stuff. It's just another sad reminder of the state I'm in. When is it going to get better? I ask myself that almost daily at this point...sigh...

As far as dating goes, I'm not really sure what's on the go. I've been contacted by a number of men, but I haven't really been bothering to respond much. I'm just so tired of the flavour of the week/month scene. Don't get me wrong, it was a ton of fun there for a while and I wouldn't trade my experiences or the learning that resulted from them. But I've been unsettled in my career and my love life for long enough now. I would just like some stability, please. I don't know if I will be seeing the guy from this summer or not over the holidays...take it as it comes, I suppose. Likewise with the friend with the blurry lines. I think it's safe to say we are no longer solely in friendship territory, and I'm trying not to analyze and just go with it, but it's difficult. I don't want to hurt or be hurt and I don't know if he's who I've been looking for or not, so it's a struggle. I don't want to put time and effort into anything that's not going anywhere, but it takes time to figure that out and I don't want to write him off just yet. The more I get to know him the better he looks to me, in a lot of ways, despite my reservations. I like him and I care about him and I find myself thinking of him and missing him more often. On the other hand, it feels like the same ol' same ol' in that now that I'm catching up in that department, he seems to be backing off somewhat. Oh, and the friend of a friend who disappeared on me back in September, never to be heard from again? He is apparently moving to town, now. For some reason, this bothers me. I didn't care when I heard he was dating again, but knowing we will be in closer proximity to each other and there's a chance I may run into him doesn't sit well with me.

Finally, my weight appears to be on the upswing since the summer ended. Not too happy about that and hoping to change it pronto. Also hoping to change being a smoker again. I'm not happy about that either, and haven't been since I picked it back up. It makes no sense. But it's where I'm at and I'll save you from the whole ranting spiel I could go into there and simply say I hope to find the motivation, determination, and discipline to kick it soon.

Long story short, I am feeling incredibly down and confused and a lot of things are getting to me, although I know things could be a lot worse. I'm home alone and everyone I would normally talk to is unavailable for some reason or other at present. I'm sure I'll be fine, and I know there are a lot worse things I could have to contend with and I'm very lucky I don't have them on my plate...but I really need a hug right now and just to be told that everything is going to be OK.