Day One Conquered

Since 6am when my eyes popped open, I have been obsessed with wanting to have a cigarette. There was a three hour reprieve when I was at work this morning, and the rest of the time I have been practically living on Quitnet. I thought I had the afternoon and evening covered, but my plans went out the window (through a series of events out of my control) and so did my cool, calm, collected self and my resolve to stay smoke-free. I felt irritated, frustrated, disappointed, angry, let down, not in control, and afraid. So afraid, in fact, that I couldn't trust myself to drive across town as my Plan B to see a friend or my brother and possibly go for a walk (which I thought would help me feel better) because I was certain I would cave and buy a pack of cigarettes the moment I went through the door with the high stress level and vulnerability I was experiencing.

I am not gonna lie, it was not pretty there for a while. I spent about three hours in an escalating state of panic and snotting and bawling like an emotional basket case. Which in turn made me feel like a pathetic weakling and I cried harder with the sense of impending failure and hatred of myself for not being stronger and more composed. I remember being emotional the first time I quit, but I didn't remember it hitting this intensely so soon in the quit. It also irked me that the friend who wanted to quit the least has been having the easiest time of it today.

Thankfully, I got myself to a chat room where supportive fellow quitters were ready and willing to get me through. They kept tabs on me, encouraged me, reassured me, checked on me, gave me their tips, tricks, and words of wisdom, made me laugh, consoled me, comforted me, soothed me, told me what I have been experiencing is normal...they commiserated with me, stayed with me, kept me with them, and helped me hang in there until I was strong enough to leave and they assured me that they would be there should I find myself needing them later. How wonderful is that? And so, eventually, I was able to take the Nicorette inhaler out of my mouth, where it had been hanging haphazardly and being chewed and puffed on intermittently, throw the wadded up ball of tissues in the trash can, clean up my blotched and tear stained face, and sign out.

The relief and excitement of making it into Day Two (which feels like a huge accomplishment at this point, I gotta say) combined with the humble gratitude for the help I was embarrassed to need but glad to receive allowed me to breathe a little easier and gave me renewed faith that I can do this. I made a list of reasons to keep my quit (which I plan to keep on hand and review frequently), I have plans to make a list of distractions for when the intense cravings hit again, and I have bookmarked more websites to explore.  Happily, my eyes are no longer puffy and bloodshot. My hope now is that I will be able to sleep tonight and that tomorrow will be a little easier than today.

Quit Day

It is now 12:45 pm and my last cigarette was 8:30ish last night. It wasn't too bad getting through the night (popcorn, reading, writing, water, and TV helped) or the morning once I was actually at work...before that was basically a blur of cigarette obsession from the moment my eyes opened until I was through the doors at the building...and that is what I am once again experiencing now. I just ate and this would be a routine time to have a smoke. It's all I can think about. In fact, I'm typing this in the hopes that keeping my fingers busy may help. I'm half afraid to check and see how the girls are doing, but I sent them messages asking how Day One is going so far. No responses as of yet. I wonder if their inner addicts are pressuring them to cave, already, too? One hour at a time, I suppose...

Anxiety

As previously noted, I had selected January 10th to be my quit smoking date. That has changed. I went out with my smoker friends tonight and it turns out they have also decided it is time. I'm not sure if that will make it easier or tougher. On the one hand, we will all be going through the same thing together...on the other, there is a risk that someone may not make it out alive with all the emotional upheaval caused by withdrawal. I remember those feelings well and am not looking forward to experiencing them again, but I know the payoff will be greater than the temporary discomfort.

Anyway, long story short, I decided to smoke what I had left and start the week without cigarettes (I actually find it more appealing to not stop mid-week for some reason, a fact that my inner addict was using to try and convince me to prolong the smoking until next Monday rather than stop on a Tuesday).

The problem is, I am working tomorrow morning for the first time in a while at a school I haven't been to in about a year and that makes me nervous. The thought of getting up and going there with no cigarette fix and leaving without having one afterwards is stressful for me right now. However, thanks to WiseWebWoman, who helpfully introduced me to Quitnet, I have had support off and on all day while trying to mentally prepare for this farewell. And a lot of those words of wisdom and encouragement from former smokers reminded me of something I had forgotten: the fear of quitting is often worse than quitting itself in some respects.

I just hope I can sleep tonight because I will be needing my rest for tomorrow...

Relief

Journal has turned up safe and sound. I am one very relieved and thankful girl. Lesson reaffirmed: trust in myself. I may overlook things once in a while (such as checking the same place 3 times before finding my precious soul extension), but I'm not careless enough to leave it somewhere it's depths could be plundered.

Panic

So I was going to write in my journal today...and then I realized that it is evidently on the missing list. NOT GOOD. My mind is racing, trying to think of where it may be. It's not like me to be careless with something so personal and revealing. That book chronicles my experiences and details my innermost thoughts and feelings...it's like an extension of my soul. I shudder to think who may read and what they may discover and am praying it turns up somewhere in my apartment, safe from prying eyes...

In other news, I blew the quit plan to smithereens and I have two days left before the 10th. The addiction is starting to play with my brain. It's trying to convince me to make deals with myself that I know I will break.  I'm reaching deep inside to find the necessary resolve and rise above it.

Wish me luck, on both counts!

Envy

I was wasting time on facebook and stumbled across some pictures posted by an acquaintance of mine. I experienced mixed emotions looking at them...vicarious joy and wonder at her experiences (this woman is amazing and very well rounded), inspiration to go out there, grab life by the balls, and start LIVING, regret that I didn't get to know her better while I was in the same vicinity, envy that I didn't get to do any of those things myself whilst on the other side of the country (or at all, in some cases), longing for BC, and the sad realization that looking at glimpses of someone else's life was making me view my own as empty, mundane, and devoid of excitement and fulfillment.

Thankfully, I had the sense to get outta there instead of stay and wallow in self-pity. But before I left, I sent her a positive message to counteract the negativity attempting to creep in. I also told myself that comparing my own life to someone else's is futile. We are all our own people, we have our own personalities and our own paths to travel. My time will come. I am putting the steps in place to eventually reconcile my dreams with my reality. I just have to remember to keep working towards what I want and not let discouragement, anxiety and fear stop me in my tracks any more than they already have. I also have to account for the fact that her income is much higher than mine at present and, much as money can't buy happiness, it is a requisite for a lot of activities. So, again, renewed determination to go for progress and stability this year. I have been booked for work Monday morning...that is a start. I also came to the conclusion, once again, that I need to broaden my circle of friends. If you continue to mix with the same small group of people, chances are you are never going to meet anyone new or be introduced to new and different things. I need those opportunities to experience increased diversity. It's time to step outside of my comfort zone once again and see what happens...

Up and Running

I'm quite proud of myself. I have so far devised a quit plan, made a list of schools to hit (8 of which I visited today), printed off resumes, and cleaned and tidied a couple more little sections of my apartment. I am oozing positivity and good vibes and I love it :) I think I may have finally regained my balance. Here's hoping I can keep it and make it work for me!