Successes and Misses

Today my body is exhausted. I looked at the calendar and realized that I have been getting some form of decent exercise almost every day. I rock. I am also very pleased to report that I checked up on my (measurable) progress yesterday and I am down 7 lbs in total since the 3rd and have lost 3 inches; 2 on my waist and 1 on my hips. Yay me! Boyfriend is down 6.6 lbs and 2 inches off his waist. I'm very proud of him, as well :)

When I awoke, however, I found myself down in the dumps. You see, I auditioned for a couple of plays in the spring and, after a callback for one production, have not heard anything from either company. It makes me sad. It makes me question whether I am "good enough," and it reminds me of how much I miss the stage and all the people I only tend to see when I am involved in a production. It is truly a whole different atmosphere. I try to tell myself that it's probably for the best and will allow me extra time to focus on work/job/career-related things that need focusing on, and in part that is true, but there is also a part of my soul that weeps for the missed opportunities. I am hoping I will at least find a way to finance my choir membership this year and be able to keep that as a part of my weekly routine (and I use the term 'routine' loosely. Actually, creating a routine is kinda one of my goals!).

Oh! And I almost forgot!! I had my last cigarette back in October! Woohoo!!! :)

Anyhow, productivity calls!

Good Morning Blog-Land!

So I'm sitting here eating my steel cut oats with fruit and nuts like a good girl and I'm thinking - Hey! This is a new focus in my life: eating clean and treating my body better. I haven't mentioned that. Like a lot of people (stereotypically, women), I have battled with the scale. I have tried dieting a few times and Weight Watchers a couple more; I have tried upping my level of activity to get results, and all the while I have done it because my goal was to lose weight. Inevitably, it always came back. I told myself it had to be a lifestyle change, but never really fully understood what that meant, in retrospect. Frustrated and disappointed with myself, I always found myself back at my starting point and wondering how I had let it come back to this. This time is different. I am all about making permanent changes that I can sustain and my motivation (which I sometimes claimed before but was never able to really marry to my weight loss regimens) is to be stronger, healthier, and treat my body better with a focus on getting fit instead of losing weight. I have to say, though, that I've actually seen the scale move downwards more consistently in the last two weeks than I have during any other attempt at weight loss. It's empowering, I feel great, and instead of a sense of deprivation, there is, rather, a sense of satisfaction that I am making positive changes and fuelling my body with only good things (with the occasional treat being incorporated in the near future, of course).

Focus 2 is making and maintaining a budget with the boyfriend. That has been tentatively created, and we will start using it in August. Yay us!! This marks the first time I have ever actually made a plan with a man to work together towards our common financial and life goals rather than fighting against each other or just doing our thing and assuming at some point down the road a home and family would materialize. In my experience, it just doesn't happen if you don't plan for it!

Which leaves the other, very-important-but-somehow-still-spinning-my-wheels-stuff. I am so lost with the whole money-making/career thing and how to incorporate better time management and balance my leisure time with productivity without coming down on myself for one thing or another. I have put so much pressure on myself to FIGURE SHIT OUT!! and every day that doesn't happen feels like a failure, somehow. On the one hand, I am an organizer and a planner who needs security, structure, and creativity...on the other, I am told that you just can't plan for these things. They come to you in their own time and you find yourself doing things you may not have thought of before. ....or not. And I don't know if I can just wait it out or keep on keeping on while I beat my head against the wall trying to figure it all out...if that even makes sense...

OK, so oatmeal is done and it's time to get to the To-Do list. So glad we had this chat, though! At least I got my writing fix today! :-)

A Long Overdue Update

I have been meaning to check in here for awhile now, but it just hasn't happened. I could blather on with excuses and apologies, but I will keep it brief. The basic gist is that life's been busy and there have been a bunch of things to deal with, as is the case with just about everybody I would imagine. Boyfriend and I moved in together a few months ago, he got laid off and is back in school and I have been doing some soul-searching as to whether or not to stay in my current career and hold my breath for an opening or move on to greener pastures. Problem is, I have no idea what those would be or how to get there. Then there's just the regular old day to day stuff that fills up our lives. Anyway, I have been thinking about the blog off and on and I'm wondering what to do with it now. I am no longer single and dating and I haven't written anything in forever. Perhaps another face lift?

Down Time

Since the last post, I have finished a show, celebrated a birthday, and introduced the (still) new boyfriend to the parents, the brother, and a couple of other friends/family members. All is well, first introductions and impressions seem to have been positive, and I am happy. Boyfriend and I have had 2 instances of misunderstandings that needed to be talked through (which went well), but other than that it's all good. In fact, a couple of nights ago we had a rather serious talk that included (GASP!) mention of the possibility of future marriage and kids if all continues on the right track. I am astounded that I can have these conversations with a man I have known all of 5 1/2 weeks and feel perfectly comfortable and natural with no inclination to run for the hills but, rather, a sense of security, matter-of-factness, and excitement. It just feels...right.

I am currently out of commission with simultaneous bronchial and sinus infections post-craziness exhaustion phase, but with one thing off my plate (the show I recently finished doing) there are still lots of others that require attention. I am still in rehearsals for a second show and a choir performance and crossing my fingers that work will pick up again soon. At the moment there's a lull, of which I am not a fan. However, I am trying to take advantage of my forced stay-at-home period to rest up, recuperate, and maybe take care of a few things here that have been being neglected in the juggling act as of late.

Boyfriend and I will be having post-birthday birthday celebrations on the 12th, as there wasn't sufficient time to fit them in beforehand. He has the evening planned and I await my surprise(s). I am trying not to have any expectations, so as to avoid the habitual disappointment I've grown so accustomed to in relationships up til now, but a part of me really hopes he knocks my socks off. I suppose we shall see, soon enough!

Awed

I have to admit I'm still a little in shock each time a day goes by and Unofficial Official Boyfriend (we've kicked it up a notch haha) doesn't do or say anything wrong. It's kind of unheard of in my experience. But it's great. He's great. We're great. Sickening, isn't it? I think he is going to meet the first of my friends this weekend. How exciting! We all know our girlfriends scrutinize the men in our lives and give us the scoop on what they perceive. I can't wait to see what this rather opinionated friend has to say. Mostly because I'm pretty sure there's no way it can be anything bad :) Oh, and I have been booked for work on Monday. Yippee!! :-) And now I must go pull my head out of the clouds and be productive for at least a couple of hours...I've been in LaLa Land all day...

So Far, So Good

Unofficial Boyfriend has yet to do or say anything wrong. I am calm and grounded and happier than I can remember being in a very long time in a romantic sense. Probably the last time I was close to this happy was last summer with the friend of a friend who went back to his girlfriend. But then I felt all crazy and infatuated and this time I just feel...sure. We exchanged I love yous last night...which kind of freaks me out a tiny bit when I think of the time frame involved here, but which felt so natural and so right that I don't even question it.

In regard to the pet situation (which is the only thing that gives each of us pause, really), he has decided to find the cats a new home (his idea, not mine, and not only because of me but also because he feels that they tend to stick to the basement because they dislike Big Black a little and he wants them to have a better quality of life) and I have decided that I am really going to work on befriending the dog.

I cannot wait for him to meet those others near and dear to me. This could definitely be it.

The Other Black Dog

So...Unofficial Boyfriend? He has a dog. And some cats. The dog is massive and black and I am not comfortable with him. This makes me sad. I am not a pet person. I was not raised with pets, nor have I had any of my own, save some fish for a year or so in British Columbia. It's not that I don't like animals...I am just not used to them and they make me nervous - sometimes to the point of being scared.  big black barks (though not often) and my heart jumps out of my chest at the thunderous sound; he playfully nips at me and I envision losing digits in those powerful jaws; he gets in my space or stares at me and I freeze and panic...and it's not like he is baring his teeth and growling at me or anything...I just fear that he will pounce at some point, and I am sure he senses my unease and this makes things worse between us. Unofficial Boyfriend has been very good about putting himself between big black and me when he senses my discomfort and telling the dog "no" and "off" and "down" when necessary. He has talked to me about big black's friendly manner and about how he's not going to hurt me. He has told me to give big black commands when I don't like something. But I don't trust big black and I am self-conscious about interacting with him in front of Unofficial Boyfriend because I feel inadequate in that way...even though I'm pretty sure big black is mostly just curious about this new person who has shown up in his space a couple of times, monopolizing his master's attention.

However, I don't think the situation is hopeless. My brother has a dog and I love her. In fact, I bring her for walks, I've slept with her on the bed beside me, and I even dog sat for ten days last summer. Half the time when I visit my brother's it's to see his dog! But we met when she was a puppy and she's an extremely mild mannered Shih Tzu, so she's not ever going to be huge and intimidating. I'm not a fan of fur and some other things that come with having pets, but I'm sure I could deal with that if black beast and I could become friends. I actually spent part of my night last night Googling episodes of The Dog Whisperer, trying to figure out how I am going to overcome this. How I am going to be able to walk into Unofficial Boyfriend's house without the fear of being somehow attacked, or be alone in a room with big black someday and be perfectly OK without the protection of Unofficial Boyfriend...how I am going to be able to hear his different snorts and moans and play growls without thinking he is plotting how best to get rid of me.

The cats are another matter entirely...I'm not even ready to go there. I haven't met them yet, nor do I really wish to. I tolerate my friends' cats and would never wish them any harm, but I cannot say I have any particular kind of affection for them or enjoy their company overmuch. They can be entertaining to watch, I suppose, but that is about the extent of it. I am allergic as well. This could pose problems. Yet, having said that, the pet situation is the only thing that Unofficial Boyfriend and I are concerned about and we are so far open to working on it together somehow.