...and sadly, not a lot has changed. I've gotten busy, somehow, but I can't really pinpoint why or how that is, exactly.
On the positive side, I have managed to get a couple more sub days, which is a bonus, and I've started tutoring a junior high student. I'm keeping my fingers crossed more of those opportunities will start coming my way. I also got to see myself on the Republic of Doyle season 2 premiere, which was pretty neat (although I have to admit, I was pretty distracted with other things that night and didn't really pay attention to the show other than the shots I knew I'd be in and I missed last week's episode altogether).
On the negative side, I just got some unwanted mail pertaining to my finances and my laptop has been giving me trouble. I'm hoping these things will resolve themselves with minimal headaches.
On the dating front, I am considering shutting down the online account. I've hidden my profile already. It is depressing getting oodles of messages from people I have nothing in common with and am not interested in as compared to the rare contact from men who seem to be what I may be looking for...which at this point pretty much consists of the combination of decent, respectful, intelligent, fun, and willing to hang out and get to know each other with no expectations, no pressure, and no booty calls. I was starting to feel positively about a couple of prospects, but they seem to have all turned to ashes. Likewise, the friendships I had previously cultivated seem to have dissipated as those friends moved on and found themselves girlfriends. Yes. I'm bitter, frustrated, and disappointed in that department...but I'm trying to convince myself it is for the greater good the universe has planned for me, as with everything else.
On the personal front, I know I need to focus on me and my life and get everything in order. I know I need to take better care of myself and use my energy more wisely...I've been saying this for months...I just can't seem to figure out how to get it all together and make it happen. It seems to be that I improve one area to the detriment or neglect of another, somehow. I am not really sure what it is that I need, for starters...I'm just taking it day by day and doing my best as often as I can muster. I have come to a standstill in the weight loss department, but I'm hoping to get back on track with that as well...and The Artist's Way, which has fallen by the wayside, along with my blogging and writing. I am also trying to spend more time with the people who bring me comfort and positivity and limit my exposure to those who have the opposite effect. I feel as if I have been standing at the crossroads surveying traffic for an indeterminate amount of time and unable to move in any given direction...and on nights like tonight, I feel defeated and alone. Although I know I am never alone and have so much and so many to be thankful for.
I guess the only thing to do for now is to take it day by day...to remember to hold gratitude and hope in my heart and take more little steps to get on track bit by bit, as I have been doing. To forgive myself and pick myself back up each time I fall and to praise and congratulate myself with each small victory or success. Eventually, the stars will align and everything will fall into place and make sense. There has to be some reason I have been stuck in this limbo for so long. A lot of healing has taken place, but it isn't done yet. And I'm sure there is more growth that has yet to occur. I'm calmer, on the whole, and I do feel somewhat more grounded in a way, so that has to be a good thing. It's so easy to get caught up in the minutiae sometimes, is all...
It's going to be OK, right? ...it has to be...
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Bagless
I try to make it a habit to bring my own cloth bags when shopping. However, there are times I forget or I am only purchasing an item or two and don't really need a bag either way. In those instances, I tell the cashier right away that no bag is needed...but some of them are pretty quick on the draw and have one all ready to go by then. I have to say, it really bugs me when I grab my stuff to go and they take the bag they were going to give me and throw it in the trash. Why not just reuse it on the next customer? It kind of makes my intended good deed a bad one and leaves me feeling guilty that I didn't just take the damn bag and recycle it myself...
Monday, December 13, 2010
Lucky Day
It may be silly, but I just felt the need to put this out to the universe and say thank you...
In The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron writes about synchronicity - which she explains as things that randomly pop up in our lives when we are thinking about them. I had two such instances today...The first occurred when I was shopping with my mother and found facial moisturizers I'm running out of and have been contemplating ordering online, although they are somewhat pricey and I couldn't really justify buying them at the moment. Lo and behold, when I walked into Winner's, there they were on the shelf (I've never seen them in Newfoundland) for almost half the price I am used to paying for them. A very little thing, but I was thankful and happy nonetheless.
The second instance was when I (stupidly) locked myself out of my apartment this evening. I was thinking of the extra key my landlady gave me and wishing she was home so that I could see if there was another key floating around (I never thought I would be so lucky, but it doesn't hurt to check). It so happened that she was away, but her daughter was home so I went upstairs to look up a locksmith. Shortly after I called him (and was told it would cost me $60), she pulled into the driveway. I explained what had happened and she went over to her friend's house to see if they might have an extra key (they live on the same street and were taking care of the house for her after she bought it and before she moved in). Her friend was also out, but her husband handed us a ring of keys and said that one of them might be for the apartment, he wasn't sure. We walked back over to my place and, as luck might have it, the first one she tried got me in. I said a little prayer of gratitude for whoever/whatever was looking out for me and called the locksmith as soon as I got in. Unfortunately, he had arrived in the driveway by that time and was none to happy about it. I was sincerely apologetic, but he hung up on me anyway.
I suppose while I'm at it, there is a third thing that recently struck me as strange...one day last week, an old professor of mine from my MUN days popped into my head - I can't remember why. Oddly enough, on Friday night's performance of Messiah, I looked over to my left at the audience at one point and guess who was sitting there in the second row? I'm wondering if there is some significance to that and if perhaps he (or what he represents) is somehow a part of the answer to the puzzle of my life I've been trying to put together in terms of my career path and getting employed again. It's something to think about, anyway...
Although there are often weird coincidences that mean nothing on the surface, as one friend said to me a while back, "The signs of life are always there for us if we remember to look for them." It really makes you wonder sometimes...
In The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron writes about synchronicity - which she explains as things that randomly pop up in our lives when we are thinking about them. I had two such instances today...The first occurred when I was shopping with my mother and found facial moisturizers I'm running out of and have been contemplating ordering online, although they are somewhat pricey and I couldn't really justify buying them at the moment. Lo and behold, when I walked into Winner's, there they were on the shelf (I've never seen them in Newfoundland) for almost half the price I am used to paying for them. A very little thing, but I was thankful and happy nonetheless.
The second instance was when I (stupidly) locked myself out of my apartment this evening. I was thinking of the extra key my landlady gave me and wishing she was home so that I could see if there was another key floating around (I never thought I would be so lucky, but it doesn't hurt to check). It so happened that she was away, but her daughter was home so I went upstairs to look up a locksmith. Shortly after I called him (and was told it would cost me $60), she pulled into the driveway. I explained what had happened and she went over to her friend's house to see if they might have an extra key (they live on the same street and were taking care of the house for her after she bought it and before she moved in). Her friend was also out, but her husband handed us a ring of keys and said that one of them might be for the apartment, he wasn't sure. We walked back over to my place and, as luck might have it, the first one she tried got me in. I said a little prayer of gratitude for whoever/whatever was looking out for me and called the locksmith as soon as I got in. Unfortunately, he had arrived in the driveway by that time and was none to happy about it. I was sincerely apologetic, but he hung up on me anyway.
I suppose while I'm at it, there is a third thing that recently struck me as strange...one day last week, an old professor of mine from my MUN days popped into my head - I can't remember why. Oddly enough, on Friday night's performance of Messiah, I looked over to my left at the audience at one point and guess who was sitting there in the second row? I'm wondering if there is some significance to that and if perhaps he (or what he represents) is somehow a part of the answer to the puzzle of my life I've been trying to put together in terms of my career path and getting employed again. It's something to think about, anyway...
Although there are often weird coincidences that mean nothing on the surface, as one friend said to me a while back, "The signs of life are always there for us if we remember to look for them." It really makes you wonder sometimes...
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thursday Afternoon Update
OK, so I've been yo-yo-ing a bit with the whole weight loss thing, but I think things are on the decrease again. I reached a new low today - YAY! I got to pre-boyfriend-number-two weight a while ago and went back up a few pounds, but I have broken through the threshold and am now below that. In 8.2 pounds I will be at pre-boyfriend-number-one (yes, there have only been two long terms...and they ate up this decade for me). This excites me almost as much as the fact that there is a new bra store in town (which I have yet to check out). It is about damn time St. John's!!! AH, bliss....I was really wondering what the hell I was going to do when I needed to go shopping for unmentionables and contemplating the shipping costs from my favourite lingerie shop in Kelowna was not pretty...
Alas, I digress...
My mother, God bless her, has been pressuring me to make plans for the holidays. It will be my first Christmas on the island since 2004 and my first single one since I was 20. What makes it weird for me, though, is that my brother will be staying in town with his girlfriend and my parents will be out around the bay...and I have to decide where to be. And for some reason, having to make that decision triggers a very emotional response in me. The thought has crossed my mind to just stay at my apartment solo and see them all at some other point (other than Christmas Day) throughout the holidays, but I can't seem to bring myself to commit to any plan of action yet and I don't see why she insists on hounding me to figure it out.
I have been applying myself to figuring out what it is I want to do with my life in terms of career and so far every thought engenders several more but nothing is really screaming at me, "THIS IS YOUR PATH!!!" How disappointing is that???
After quite a few nasty bumps in the road in a close friendship over the past few months, I am contemplating cutting ties. This is never an easy thing to do and I am certainly not a fan, but sometimes self-protection trumps all. I can't say that I particularly enjoy feeling like someone else's personal punching bag at the moment or that I am being continually judged by someone I considered "friend." You know how the saying goes..."With friends like that..." And, well, when it starts to feel like a relationship with a controlling boyfriend? No, thank you. I wouldn't tolerate that from a boyfriend and so I see no reason why I should cater to it with a friend.
Oh, and that great guy I thought I had met? Turns out he may not be so great after all. Go figure. After a couple of dates and a whole lot of online conversation - in all of which we seemed to totally click and enjoy each other's personalities immensely (read: battle of wits, smile and laughter explosion, complemented with what appeared to be sparkly, googly-eyed adoration coming from him) - I am starting to get the vibe that perhaps he is a bit of a player. Which, I suppose, would account for the incredible acting skills if all that crap wasn't genuine. The boy is good, I'll give him that...but if he thinks I'm going to be one of those girls who is content to hang around on the back burner and soak up any pittance of attention she is paid, he's got a lot to learn. So, currently I'm keeping my eyes and my options open and waiting to see what happens (damn my hopeful optimistic side for choosing to make an appearance in this arena, but I really do like this one and can't help but hope that he IS being genuine and ISN'T trying to play me), but seriously starting to think putting a freeze on exploring romantic interests may be in order again soon. I really wonder what this whole thing is like from the male perspective, given that our brains operate so differently...
Alas, I digress...
My mother, God bless her, has been pressuring me to make plans for the holidays. It will be my first Christmas on the island since 2004 and my first single one since I was 20. What makes it weird for me, though, is that my brother will be staying in town with his girlfriend and my parents will be out around the bay...and I have to decide where to be. And for some reason, having to make that decision triggers a very emotional response in me. The thought has crossed my mind to just stay at my apartment solo and see them all at some other point (other than Christmas Day) throughout the holidays, but I can't seem to bring myself to commit to any plan of action yet and I don't see why she insists on hounding me to figure it out.
I have been applying myself to figuring out what it is I want to do with my life in terms of career and so far every thought engenders several more but nothing is really screaming at me, "THIS IS YOUR PATH!!!" How disappointing is that???
After quite a few nasty bumps in the road in a close friendship over the past few months, I am contemplating cutting ties. This is never an easy thing to do and I am certainly not a fan, but sometimes self-protection trumps all. I can't say that I particularly enjoy feeling like someone else's personal punching bag at the moment or that I am being continually judged by someone I considered "friend." You know how the saying goes..."With friends like that..." And, well, when it starts to feel like a relationship with a controlling boyfriend? No, thank you. I wouldn't tolerate that from a boyfriend and so I see no reason why I should cater to it with a friend.
Oh, and that great guy I thought I had met? Turns out he may not be so great after all. Go figure. After a couple of dates and a whole lot of online conversation - in all of which we seemed to totally click and enjoy each other's personalities immensely (read: battle of wits, smile and laughter explosion, complemented with what appeared to be sparkly, googly-eyed adoration coming from him) - I am starting to get the vibe that perhaps he is a bit of a player. Which, I suppose, would account for the incredible acting skills if all that crap wasn't genuine. The boy is good, I'll give him that...but if he thinks I'm going to be one of those girls who is content to hang around on the back burner and soak up any pittance of attention she is paid, he's got a lot to learn. So, currently I'm keeping my eyes and my options open and waiting to see what happens (damn my hopeful optimistic side for choosing to make an appearance in this arena, but I really do like this one and can't help but hope that he IS being genuine and ISN'T trying to play me), but seriously starting to think putting a freeze on exploring romantic interests may be in order again soon. I really wonder what this whole thing is like from the male perspective, given that our brains operate so differently...
Monday, December 6, 2010
Getting Back Up
If you have been following this blog at all, you already know that it has been a rather rough year for me so far. Granted, everyone has their ups and downs, but I sort of feel like I've been mostly down and often kicked over the past 12 months. I am happy to say that I am now entering a period of renewed strength, determination, action, and optimism. It feels good. It is still a bumpy road and there are still obstacles in my path and decisions that are screaming at me to be made, but I am resilient - a fighter and a survivor, despite being such a whiner sometimes. Let's face it...there are a lot worse things I could have gone through than what I have. However, that is cold comfort when you are the person who is feeling lost and whose life is in utter upheaval.
Progress to date: I am continuing to follow The Artist's Way program, I have booked myself an appointment with a career counsellor, I am performing this weekend in the PCNSO/NSO's Messiah, I am volunteering on the theatre scene and keeping my eyes and ears open for opportunities to get back onstage. I have gotten some calls to sub (although not as many as I would like) and I am actively collecting and organizing writing ideas. I have also lost another few pounds, which feels really good.
In terms of the love life scene, I have processed and healed from the shock I wrote of in my last post. I have also been conversing with a couple of smart and intriguing men online (one of whom I have met and am attracted to on numerous levels - I am keeping my fingers crossed that there will be a chance to explore the possibilities further - as in date and get to know each other better - but I am in no rush to enter into another full blown relationship at this point). I am also kind of interested in finding out more about an acquaintance who has caught my attention.
I found it rather helpful to spend time with a friend of a friend recently who reminded me that being single and 30 does not mean that life is over. It's amazing how you can be acquainted with someone for years and never realize how much you have in common...some talking over wine remedied that situation this weekend and it was incredibly therapeutic (seriously - what would we ever do without our girlfriends?). It also made me realize that I want to savour this opportunity I have created to be a single lady again a little more than I have been (with the exception of all the fun I had this summer - that part was great). It may be my last chance, after all, and I remember a part of me mourning the loss of my single life and living vicariously through others while I was in long term relationships. Still, I was rather surprised at myself when I looked at her life - complete with husband, kids, and home - which I thought I wanted before and which I think I might still like someday, and realize that I don't actually want it right now. It's refreshing and relieving to know that. That's a whole lot of pressure lifted, right there...
And so I leave you with:
(Ok, so the whole song doesn't fit, but the whole not killing you but making you stronger bit works!)
Progress to date: I am continuing to follow The Artist's Way program, I have booked myself an appointment with a career counsellor, I am performing this weekend in the PCNSO/NSO's Messiah, I am volunteering on the theatre scene and keeping my eyes and ears open for opportunities to get back onstage. I have gotten some calls to sub (although not as many as I would like) and I am actively collecting and organizing writing ideas. I have also lost another few pounds, which feels really good.
In terms of the love life scene, I have processed and healed from the shock I wrote of in my last post. I have also been conversing with a couple of smart and intriguing men online (one of whom I have met and am attracted to on numerous levels - I am keeping my fingers crossed that there will be a chance to explore the possibilities further - as in date and get to know each other better - but I am in no rush to enter into another full blown relationship at this point). I am also kind of interested in finding out more about an acquaintance who has caught my attention.
I found it rather helpful to spend time with a friend of a friend recently who reminded me that being single and 30 does not mean that life is over. It's amazing how you can be acquainted with someone for years and never realize how much you have in common...some talking over wine remedied that situation this weekend and it was incredibly therapeutic (seriously - what would we ever do without our girlfriends?). It also made me realize that I want to savour this opportunity I have created to be a single lady again a little more than I have been (with the exception of all the fun I had this summer - that part was great). It may be my last chance, after all, and I remember a part of me mourning the loss of my single life and living vicariously through others while I was in long term relationships. Still, I was rather surprised at myself when I looked at her life - complete with husband, kids, and home - which I thought I wanted before and which I think I might still like someday, and realize that I don't actually want it right now. It's refreshing and relieving to know that. That's a whole lot of pressure lifted, right there...
And so I leave you with:
(Ok, so the whole song doesn't fit, but the whole not killing you but making you stronger bit works!)
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Tangled Webs We See
This has been a very weird month for me so far. One man I dated suddenly updated his facebook status to say that he is in a relationship after I had not talked to him in a few days, which left me wondering...hmmm...when did that occur? Does he work really fast or was he seeing her while he was seeing me? Does she know he still checks his online dating account? Or that he even has one?
It gets better. The man I spent six years of my life with and left close to nine months ago suddenly turned up married. Gotta love facebook. That news temporarily ripped a hole through my chest with heart-wrenching sobs and anger and bitterness beyond belief. It's not that I care that he's moved on or that he's not with me. That's not what I was grieving over. I know I made the right decision. I know we both deserve to be happy with other people (even though part of me thinks I deserve it more at this point). I know when the time is right I will find my Prince Charming or whatever incarnation he shows up as...
What bothers me is the realization that I stayed for so long and put so much effort into a relationship that was going nowhere and that his new wife has been with him for less than a year (possibly less than 6 months)...that I was led to believe in an eventual marriage that never materialized (which is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, next to the proposal from another ex that I turned down years ago). What bothers me is that I now wonder if SHE was the reason for all the weirdness with his cellphone during the last year we were together. Perhaps they have known each other longer than meets the eye. And the icing on the cake? She has a child. A child...which he said he didn't want and which was part of the reason for our split. A child who I also taught at one point. Oh, the irony. And even better? Comments under their wedding photo show me that he has told her some of the same lies he told me about his previous life. This woman has no idea how many skeletons will be falling on her head everytime she opens the closet.
As I have said before, my ex was not evil incarnate. There were a lot of good points there, as well - on the surface, anyway. Otherwise, I obviously would not have stayed as long as I did. As a matter of fact, just last week I texted him (one of the rare non-business-only exchanges we have had since I left) to thank him for the good things he did for me during our relationship. I can't explain why...I just felt he needed to know that, despite everything, those things were really appreciated (it probably had something to do with the news that another ex of mine had died recently - which is a whole other thing to experience mentally and emotionally). A few days later he messaged me on facebook to tell me my new profile picture was nice, which I thought was odd.
I should probably explain that, while the ex and I did leave each other on our friends lists, we did limit the information that was available to each other. And I do not by any means check in on him regularly. In fact, it was just a fluke that I discovered any of this at all. I was bored and scrolling through status updates and a weird looking profile picture caught my eye, so I went back to see what it was that I could not pick sense out of upon first glance. It was then I realized it was of lips kissing a hand...and whose lips they were and what was on the hand. Of course, being human, I then had to check it out. And now I'm thinking that it is definitely time to delete him from my friends list. I do not need to be seeing these things and torturing myself with thoughts about things that don't even matter anymore.
I have to admit, though, it is rather tempting to let the scorned woman in me give the new bride a little friendly advice. Likewise with the first incident I described...wouldn't I like to know if my boyfriend were still scouring the online arena for potential dates and/or booty calls? But it is not my business, nor my call to make. These things have to be found out on their own or not at all without my input or interference. It feels like a little bit of a betrayal to watch these women walking into these situations and having inside information on the men in their lives...but they are not my friends. I do not know them. And therefore it is definitely not my place to involve myself in their relationships and create drama for them by shedding some light on what is most likely unbeknownst to them at this point. But I do find myself playing devil's advocate and arguing opposing sides of the moral dilemma...no doubt partially due to the anger I feel at having been somewhat blind myself for a time.
There are valuable lessons to be learned here, folks. Not least of which is that time is too precious to waste with someone when you know something isn't right. It also drives home the point that words are cheap and actions speak volumes...and that things usually have a way of coming out in the wash. I just hope neither of the ladies now with these men gets burned too badly.
It gets better. The man I spent six years of my life with and left close to nine months ago suddenly turned up married. Gotta love facebook. That news temporarily ripped a hole through my chest with heart-wrenching sobs and anger and bitterness beyond belief. It's not that I care that he's moved on or that he's not with me. That's not what I was grieving over. I know I made the right decision. I know we both deserve to be happy with other people (even though part of me thinks I deserve it more at this point). I know when the time is right I will find my Prince Charming or whatever incarnation he shows up as...
What bothers me is the realization that I stayed for so long and put so much effort into a relationship that was going nowhere and that his new wife has been with him for less than a year (possibly less than 6 months)...that I was led to believe in an eventual marriage that never materialized (which is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, next to the proposal from another ex that I turned down years ago). What bothers me is that I now wonder if SHE was the reason for all the weirdness with his cellphone during the last year we were together. Perhaps they have known each other longer than meets the eye. And the icing on the cake? She has a child. A child...which he said he didn't want and which was part of the reason for our split. A child who I also taught at one point. Oh, the irony. And even better? Comments under their wedding photo show me that he has told her some of the same lies he told me about his previous life. This woman has no idea how many skeletons will be falling on her head everytime she opens the closet.
As I have said before, my ex was not evil incarnate. There were a lot of good points there, as well - on the surface, anyway. Otherwise, I obviously would not have stayed as long as I did. As a matter of fact, just last week I texted him (one of the rare non-business-only exchanges we have had since I left) to thank him for the good things he did for me during our relationship. I can't explain why...I just felt he needed to know that, despite everything, those things were really appreciated (it probably had something to do with the news that another ex of mine had died recently - which is a whole other thing to experience mentally and emotionally). A few days later he messaged me on facebook to tell me my new profile picture was nice, which I thought was odd.
I should probably explain that, while the ex and I did leave each other on our friends lists, we did limit the information that was available to each other. And I do not by any means check in on him regularly. In fact, it was just a fluke that I discovered any of this at all. I was bored and scrolling through status updates and a weird looking profile picture caught my eye, so I went back to see what it was that I could not pick sense out of upon first glance. It was then I realized it was of lips kissing a hand...and whose lips they were and what was on the hand. Of course, being human, I then had to check it out. And now I'm thinking that it is definitely time to delete him from my friends list. I do not need to be seeing these things and torturing myself with thoughts about things that don't even matter anymore.
I have to admit, though, it is rather tempting to let the scorned woman in me give the new bride a little friendly advice. Likewise with the first incident I described...wouldn't I like to know if my boyfriend were still scouring the online arena for potential dates and/or booty calls? But it is not my business, nor my call to make. These things have to be found out on their own or not at all without my input or interference. It feels like a little bit of a betrayal to watch these women walking into these situations and having inside information on the men in their lives...but they are not my friends. I do not know them. And therefore it is definitely not my place to involve myself in their relationships and create drama for them by shedding some light on what is most likely unbeknownst to them at this point. But I do find myself playing devil's advocate and arguing opposing sides of the moral dilemma...no doubt partially due to the anger I feel at having been somewhat blind myself for a time.
There are valuable lessons to be learned here, folks. Not least of which is that time is too precious to waste with someone when you know something isn't right. It also drives home the point that words are cheap and actions speak volumes...and that things usually have a way of coming out in the wash. I just hope neither of the ladies now with these men gets burned too badly.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Tuesday Night Funny
A friend of mine posted this on facebook and I just had to steal it and repost it here because it made me laugh so much. I hope it does the same for you :)
...for the record, I actually like Sean Paul as well :)
...for the record, I actually like Sean Paul as well :)
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