Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Dear Santa
I know you couldn't leave what I want most under the tree, but I really hope you see fit to deliver it at some point this year. In fact, that would be very much appreciated.
Friday, December 23, 2011
The Driver's Seat
I've come to realize, yet again, that I've been on cruise control for far too long. It's time to re-evaluate my position, figure out what it is that I want, take myself off auto-pilot and go get it. Wish me luck. I'm very conflicted right now in many areas and I think I may really need it. The clock is ticking...
Monday, December 12, 2011
Dear Blog
I am having a very frustrating and stressful day, and I feel completely and utterly alone...
On the work front, I am not doing as well with subbing in central as I had hoped to this time around, and I don't want to be out here anyway...so I decided to go back to town after the holidays and give it a go in there again. However, a position was just posted that I may have a shot at getting...in central. Since I am in a very real bind financially, being owed money from EI, health insurance, and the school board (and being unable to reach anyone to remedy those things) and being penniless and living in my overdraft at present, this creates a real dilemma for me. I have an interview to see if I qualify for the French sublists in the Eastern District, but I'm not sure how long it will take before I find out. Being approved would up my chances of getting decent sub time in there, I think, but it's never guaranteed. I'm seriously nervous and afraid I won't make it, though. I haven't been actively practicing speaking or writing in French in years and this is majorly intimidating for me. I have no idea what to expect, except that it includes some written and some oral. And whether I do make it or not, I still don't know if I will get enough work to pay the bills and keep myself afloat. So...make more sacrifices to my life and happiness for my finances...or not? You can't really live without money, but making money and not living makes no sense either. Being an adult sucks, sometimes.
Which brings me to the holidays. Last year I pretty much had a meltdown there for a bit contemplating my first one solo in quite some time. This year it's worse in the fact that I can't afford to even get presents for my immediate family, let alone any token for my friends or anyone else. I feel pretty crappy about that, even though I know it's not supposed to be all about monetary stuff. It's just another sad reminder of the state I'm in. When is it going to get better? I ask myself that almost daily at this point...sigh...
As far as dating goes, I'm not really sure what's on the go. I've been contacted by a number of men, but I haven't really been bothering to respond much. I'm just so tired of the flavour of the week/month scene. Don't get me wrong, it was a ton of fun there for a while and I wouldn't trade my experiences or the learning that resulted from them. But I've been unsettled in my career and my love life for long enough now. I would just like some stability, please. I don't know if I will be seeing the guy from this summer or not over the holidays...take it as it comes, I suppose. Likewise with the friend with the blurry lines. I think it's safe to say we are no longer solely in friendship territory, and I'm trying not to analyze and just go with it, but it's difficult. I don't want to hurt or be hurt and I don't know if he's who I've been looking for or not, so it's a struggle. I don't want to put time and effort into anything that's not going anywhere, but it takes time to figure that out and I don't want to write him off just yet. The more I get to know him the better he looks to me, in a lot of ways, despite my reservations. I like him and I care about him and I find myself thinking of him and missing him more often. On the other hand, it feels like the same ol' same ol' in that now that I'm catching up in that department, he seems to be backing off somewhat. Oh, and the friend of a friend who disappeared on me back in September, never to be heard from again? He is apparently moving to town, now. For some reason, this bothers me. I didn't care when I heard he was dating again, but knowing we will be in closer proximity to each other and there's a chance I may run into him doesn't sit well with me.
Finally, my weight appears to be on the upswing since the summer ended. Not too happy about that and hoping to change it pronto. Also hoping to change being a smoker again. I'm not happy about that either, and haven't been since I picked it back up. It makes no sense. But it's where I'm at and I'll save you from the whole ranting spiel I could go into there and simply say I hope to find the motivation, determination, and discipline to kick it soon.
Long story short, I am feeling incredibly down and confused and a lot of things are getting to me, although I know things could be a lot worse. I'm home alone and everyone I would normally talk to is unavailable for some reason or other at present. I'm sure I'll be fine, and I know there are a lot worse things I could have to contend with and I'm very lucky I don't have them on my plate...but I really need a hug right now and just to be told that everything is going to be OK.
On the work front, I am not doing as well with subbing in central as I had hoped to this time around, and I don't want to be out here anyway...so I decided to go back to town after the holidays and give it a go in there again. However, a position was just posted that I may have a shot at getting...in central. Since I am in a very real bind financially, being owed money from EI, health insurance, and the school board (and being unable to reach anyone to remedy those things) and being penniless and living in my overdraft at present, this creates a real dilemma for me. I have an interview to see if I qualify for the French sublists in the Eastern District, but I'm not sure how long it will take before I find out. Being approved would up my chances of getting decent sub time in there, I think, but it's never guaranteed. I'm seriously nervous and afraid I won't make it, though. I haven't been actively practicing speaking or writing in French in years and this is majorly intimidating for me. I have no idea what to expect, except that it includes some written and some oral. And whether I do make it or not, I still don't know if I will get enough work to pay the bills and keep myself afloat. So...make more sacrifices to my life and happiness for my finances...or not? You can't really live without money, but making money and not living makes no sense either. Being an adult sucks, sometimes.
Which brings me to the holidays. Last year I pretty much had a meltdown there for a bit contemplating my first one solo in quite some time. This year it's worse in the fact that I can't afford to even get presents for my immediate family, let alone any token for my friends or anyone else. I feel pretty crappy about that, even though I know it's not supposed to be all about monetary stuff. It's just another sad reminder of the state I'm in. When is it going to get better? I ask myself that almost daily at this point...sigh...
As far as dating goes, I'm not really sure what's on the go. I've been contacted by a number of men, but I haven't really been bothering to respond much. I'm just so tired of the flavour of the week/month scene. Don't get me wrong, it was a ton of fun there for a while and I wouldn't trade my experiences or the learning that resulted from them. But I've been unsettled in my career and my love life for long enough now. I would just like some stability, please. I don't know if I will be seeing the guy from this summer or not over the holidays...take it as it comes, I suppose. Likewise with the friend with the blurry lines. I think it's safe to say we are no longer solely in friendship territory, and I'm trying not to analyze and just go with it, but it's difficult. I don't want to hurt or be hurt and I don't know if he's who I've been looking for or not, so it's a struggle. I don't want to put time and effort into anything that's not going anywhere, but it takes time to figure that out and I don't want to write him off just yet. The more I get to know him the better he looks to me, in a lot of ways, despite my reservations. I like him and I care about him and I find myself thinking of him and missing him more often. On the other hand, it feels like the same ol' same ol' in that now that I'm catching up in that department, he seems to be backing off somewhat. Oh, and the friend of a friend who disappeared on me back in September, never to be heard from again? He is apparently moving to town, now. For some reason, this bothers me. I didn't care when I heard he was dating again, but knowing we will be in closer proximity to each other and there's a chance I may run into him doesn't sit well with me.
Finally, my weight appears to be on the upswing since the summer ended. Not too happy about that and hoping to change it pronto. Also hoping to change being a smoker again. I'm not happy about that either, and haven't been since I picked it back up. It makes no sense. But it's where I'm at and I'll save you from the whole ranting spiel I could go into there and simply say I hope to find the motivation, determination, and discipline to kick it soon.
Long story short, I am feeling incredibly down and confused and a lot of things are getting to me, although I know things could be a lot worse. I'm home alone and everyone I would normally talk to is unavailable for some reason or other at present. I'm sure I'll be fine, and I know there are a lot worse things I could have to contend with and I'm very lucky I don't have them on my plate...but I really need a hug right now and just to be told that everything is going to be OK.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Month of the Booty Call
It would appear that November is officially find a FWB month. I say this because a number of men from my past have suddenly reappeared looking to re-establish contact, chat and/or hang out with me and I'm pretty sure that's what all of them are looking for. Since late October, I've heard from the guy I was dating when I first moved home, the guy with the girlfriend, the married guy, the 41 year old, one of the 26 year olds from last year (who is now 27), and one of the guys I dated last winter. There are a couple of new ones who are just as transparent. I've made it clear I'm not in the market for that, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. It's kind of annoying, actually, so I've cut communication with the majority of them. I suppose I could be flattered that I could actually compose a list of potential f*** buddies...but I tend to find it more tiring than anything...and more than a tad insulting, to be honest.
I've also heard from the 28 year old I went on a couple of dates with this summer who went back to Nova Scotia. He actually seemed legit and will be coming home in December for a while...and there's an incredibly sweet guy I have been talking to since September and have hung out with several times. We were treating it as a friendship, but this weekend the lines got a little blurred. I'm not sure how I feel about that and I've been straight with him about my confusion. I dunno...see how it plays out, I suppose.
In other news, I'm in central subbing and going stir crazy. The original plan was to go back to St. John's ASAP when my contract ended...then it became stay out here until the holidays and give it a go in town when school starts up again in January but I honestly don't know if I can take it. It's so hard to know what to be doing in terms of career and finances. It's times like this I wonder if I would've been better off sticking it out in BC solo. But I can't regret being able to see friends and family and all the experiences I've had since coming home. Hopefully time will sort it all out for me. Although it feels like I've been in this boat way too long and not much has changed. Frustration, anyone?
I've also heard from the 28 year old I went on a couple of dates with this summer who went back to Nova Scotia. He actually seemed legit and will be coming home in December for a while...and there's an incredibly sweet guy I have been talking to since September and have hung out with several times. We were treating it as a friendship, but this weekend the lines got a little blurred. I'm not sure how I feel about that and I've been straight with him about my confusion. I dunno...see how it plays out, I suppose.
In other news, I'm in central subbing and going stir crazy. The original plan was to go back to St. John's ASAP when my contract ended...then it became stay out here until the holidays and give it a go in town when school starts up again in January but I honestly don't know if I can take it. It's so hard to know what to be doing in terms of career and finances. It's times like this I wonder if I would've been better off sticking it out in BC solo. But I can't regret being able to see friends and family and all the experiences I've had since coming home. Hopefully time will sort it all out for me. Although it feels like I've been in this boat way too long and not much has changed. Frustration, anyone?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
A Long Overdue Update
October was craziness, pure and simple. I was finishing up my work contract and it consumed my life. I was also sorting through the remnants of what happened with the last Mr. Not So Spectacular. I'm happy to say I got past it entirely, finally.
November has been busy for a different reason. I've been back in town; catching up with friends and family and dating up a storm, as well as trying to set myself up for future work. I've met a couple of interesting guys, but I'm not sure if anything will go anywhere and, frankly, I don't care one way or the other at this point. Whatever happens, happens. I am getting better at weeding out the ones who are not what I'm looking for, so that's a plus.
In other news, I've also booked a long overdue trip off this island. I'll be meeting my cousin in New York for 5 days in May. Should be fun.
It's hard to be back in this boat - unemployed and uncertain of anything from day to day (the two month replacement was nice in that at least I knew what was going on in that time frame). I am keeping my fingers crossed and starting to send up some prayers that I hope will be answered, favourably, in the not too distant future.
November has been busy for a different reason. I've been back in town; catching up with friends and family and dating up a storm, as well as trying to set myself up for future work. I've met a couple of interesting guys, but I'm not sure if anything will go anywhere and, frankly, I don't care one way or the other at this point. Whatever happens, happens. I am getting better at weeding out the ones who are not what I'm looking for, so that's a plus.
In other news, I've also booked a long overdue trip off this island. I'll be meeting my cousin in New York for 5 days in May. Should be fun.
It's hard to be back in this boat - unemployed and uncertain of anything from day to day (the two month replacement was nice in that at least I knew what was going on in that time frame). I am keeping my fingers crossed and starting to send up some prayers that I hope will be answered, favourably, in the not too distant future.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Happy Turkey Day
Tis the season to count blessings, so here are a few of my gratitude inducers:
A wonderful family and great friends, all - thankfully - mostly healthy
The job I have until the end of the month
Having all my basic needs met and many wants besides
My own health being intact and still possessing all my senses and limbs and being able to use them
Having had the opportunity to earn two university degrees
Being aware of, and having the ability to appreciate, the wonders and beauty that surround me in everyday life
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope it is most enjoyable for you and yours, wherever you may be :).
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Busy Bee
Work has been consuming me for the most part, and I have not been keeping up with the blog, amongst other things. I thought I would take a moment and do a quick update to remedy that a little...
So, first off, work: as previously stated, it's been quite busy. I am trying my best to stay afloat, but I am sometimes overcome with stress and anxiety and a feeling that no matter how hard I try and how many hours I put in, I can't seem to get ahead. I just hope I'm making some kind of progress and not spinning my wheels to no avail. In any event, it is nice to know where I am going each morning and have some (albeit temporary) stability in my professional life.
I never heard from the friend of a friend first or last after the last post. However, three other men from my past cropped up out of nowhere over the past couple of weeks: one asked me point blank if I wanted to get together and have sex (and if that wasn't bad enough, when I refused his offer, he accused me of being bitter over the way we ended and was a total pig to the point that I asked him not to ever contact me again), one claimed to miss me and want to spend time with me and asked if we can get together next time I'm in town (I was skeptical to begin with, and then I got the vibe that his intention was to try and get laid as well - he wasn't blatant or disrespectful at all, but I'm not into that and so I was rather unresponsive and vague), and the third professed to be head over heels for me (which I don't think is possible since I've never met him in person and he is in a relationship with someone else and that makes him off limits to me as far as I'm concerned...even though he doesn't see it that way). In addition to those three strike-outs, there is a new prospect on the scene. He is younger than me (26), but seems to be mature and sensible and is able to carry a good conversation. We shall see what happens.
My social life is pretty much non-existent, as I'm living with the parents during the week still, recently had bouts of bronchitis and laryngitis (which I still haven't fully recovered from), and have not been to town for a couple of weeks. I have no idea what is going to happen when my contract is up at the end of October...I've been keeping my apartment for now, but am unsure how long I can rationally continue to do that. I am quite looking forward to a time in the (hopefully not so distant) future when I will be somewhat settled and no longer living in limbo.
All in all, things are alright - it's good to be employed and I'm re-embracing singlehood for the time being :)
So, first off, work: as previously stated, it's been quite busy. I am trying my best to stay afloat, but I am sometimes overcome with stress and anxiety and a feeling that no matter how hard I try and how many hours I put in, I can't seem to get ahead. I just hope I'm making some kind of progress and not spinning my wheels to no avail. In any event, it is nice to know where I am going each morning and have some (albeit temporary) stability in my professional life.
I never heard from the friend of a friend first or last after the last post. However, three other men from my past cropped up out of nowhere over the past couple of weeks: one asked me point blank if I wanted to get together and have sex (and if that wasn't bad enough, when I refused his offer, he accused me of being bitter over the way we ended and was a total pig to the point that I asked him not to ever contact me again), one claimed to miss me and want to spend time with me and asked if we can get together next time I'm in town (I was skeptical to begin with, and then I got the vibe that his intention was to try and get laid as well - he wasn't blatant or disrespectful at all, but I'm not into that and so I was rather unresponsive and vague), and the third professed to be head over heels for me (which I don't think is possible since I've never met him in person and he is in a relationship with someone else and that makes him off limits to me as far as I'm concerned...even though he doesn't see it that way). In addition to those three strike-outs, there is a new prospect on the scene. He is younger than me (26), but seems to be mature and sensible and is able to carry a good conversation. We shall see what happens.
My social life is pretty much non-existent, as I'm living with the parents during the week still, recently had bouts of bronchitis and laryngitis (which I still haven't fully recovered from), and have not been to town for a couple of weeks. I have no idea what is going to happen when my contract is up at the end of October...I've been keeping my apartment for now, but am unsure how long I can rationally continue to do that. I am quite looking forward to a time in the (hopefully not so distant) future when I will be somewhat settled and no longer living in limbo.
All in all, things are alright - it's good to be employed and I'm re-embracing singlehood for the time being :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)