Down Time

Since the last post, I have finished a show, celebrated a birthday, and introduced the (still) new boyfriend to the parents, the brother, and a couple of other friends/family members. All is well, first introductions and impressions seem to have been positive, and I am happy. Boyfriend and I have had 2 instances of misunderstandings that needed to be talked through (which went well), but other than that it's all good. In fact, a couple of nights ago we had a rather serious talk that included (GASP!) mention of the possibility of future marriage and kids if all continues on the right track. I am astounded that I can have these conversations with a man I have known all of 5 1/2 weeks and feel perfectly comfortable and natural with no inclination to run for the hills but, rather, a sense of security, matter-of-factness, and excitement. It just feels...right.

I am currently out of commission with simultaneous bronchial and sinus infections post-craziness exhaustion phase, but with one thing off my plate (the show I recently finished doing) there are still lots of others that require attention. I am still in rehearsals for a second show and a choir performance and crossing my fingers that work will pick up again soon. At the moment there's a lull, of which I am not a fan. However, I am trying to take advantage of my forced stay-at-home period to rest up, recuperate, and maybe take care of a few things here that have been being neglected in the juggling act as of late.

Boyfriend and I will be having post-birthday birthday celebrations on the 12th, as there wasn't sufficient time to fit them in beforehand. He has the evening planned and I await my surprise(s). I am trying not to have any expectations, so as to avoid the habitual disappointment I've grown so accustomed to in relationships up til now, but a part of me really hopes he knocks my socks off. I suppose we shall see, soon enough!

Awed

I have to admit I'm still a little in shock each time a day goes by and Unofficial Official Boyfriend (we've kicked it up a notch haha) doesn't do or say anything wrong. It's kind of unheard of in my experience. But it's great. He's great. We're great. Sickening, isn't it? I think he is going to meet the first of my friends this weekend. How exciting! We all know our girlfriends scrutinize the men in our lives and give us the scoop on what they perceive. I can't wait to see what this rather opinionated friend has to say. Mostly because I'm pretty sure there's no way it can be anything bad :) Oh, and I have been booked for work on Monday. Yippee!! :-) And now I must go pull my head out of the clouds and be productive for at least a couple of hours...I've been in LaLa Land all day...

So Far, So Good

Unofficial Boyfriend has yet to do or say anything wrong. I am calm and grounded and happier than I can remember being in a very long time in a romantic sense. Probably the last time I was close to this happy was last summer with the friend of a friend who went back to his girlfriend. But then I felt all crazy and infatuated and this time I just feel...sure. We exchanged I love yous last night...which kind of freaks me out a tiny bit when I think of the time frame involved here, but which felt so natural and so right that I don't even question it.

In regard to the pet situation (which is the only thing that gives each of us pause, really), he has decided to find the cats a new home (his idea, not mine, and not only because of me but also because he feels that they tend to stick to the basement because they dislike Big Black a little and he wants them to have a better quality of life) and I have decided that I am really going to work on befriending the dog.

I cannot wait for him to meet those others near and dear to me. This could definitely be it.

The Other Black Dog

So...Unofficial Boyfriend? He has a dog. And some cats. The dog is massive and black and I am not comfortable with him. This makes me sad. I am not a pet person. I was not raised with pets, nor have I had any of my own, save some fish for a year or so in British Columbia. It's not that I don't like animals...I am just not used to them and they make me nervous - sometimes to the point of being scared.  big black barks (though not often) and my heart jumps out of my chest at the thunderous sound; he playfully nips at me and I envision losing digits in those powerful jaws; he gets in my space or stares at me and I freeze and panic...and it's not like he is baring his teeth and growling at me or anything...I just fear that he will pounce at some point, and I am sure he senses my unease and this makes things worse between us. Unofficial Boyfriend has been very good about putting himself between big black and me when he senses my discomfort and telling the dog "no" and "off" and "down" when necessary. He has talked to me about big black's friendly manner and about how he's not going to hurt me. He has told me to give big black commands when I don't like something. But I don't trust big black and I am self-conscious about interacting with him in front of Unofficial Boyfriend because I feel inadequate in that way...even though I'm pretty sure big black is mostly just curious about this new person who has shown up in his space a couple of times, monopolizing his master's attention.

However, I don't think the situation is hopeless. My brother has a dog and I love her. In fact, I bring her for walks, I've slept with her on the bed beside me, and I even dog sat for ten days last summer. Half the time when I visit my brother's it's to see his dog! But we met when she was a puppy and she's an extremely mild mannered Shih Tzu, so she's not ever going to be huge and intimidating. I'm not a fan of fur and some other things that come with having pets, but I'm sure I could deal with that if black beast and I could become friends. I actually spent part of my night last night Googling episodes of The Dog Whisperer, trying to figure out how I am going to overcome this. How I am going to be able to walk into Unofficial Boyfriend's house without the fear of being somehow attacked, or be alone in a room with big black someday and be perfectly OK without the protection of Unofficial Boyfriend...how I am going to be able to hear his different snorts and moans and play growls without thinking he is plotting how best to get rid of me.

The cats are another matter entirely...I'm not even ready to go there. I haven't met them yet, nor do I really wish to. I tolerate my friends' cats and would never wish them any harm, but I cannot say I have any particular kind of affection for them or enjoy their company overmuch. They can be entertaining to watch, I suppose, but that is about the extent of it. I am allergic as well. This could pose problems. Yet, having said that, the pet situation is the only thing that Unofficial Boyfriend and I are concerned about and we are so far open to working on it together somehow.

Unofficial Boyfriend (revised)

The conversation went something like this: 

UB: "So...is it official yet?" 

Me: "What?"

UB: "Ummm, nevermind."

Me: "You can't say nevermind after that question"

UB: " There's a better time to ask. I'll ask you later, if it even needs asking."

Later...

Me: "So what was it you wanted to ask me?"

UB: "Oh, I was kinda hoping you would have forgotten that."

Me: "Nope."

UB: "Well...basically what I was trying to get at was...well, I just figured that...if we're going to be seeing each other...and if we're going to be getting romantic...then....well...I just wondered if...."

Me: "Yes....?"

UB: "Well...I was wondering...I mean...what are we?"
Me: "What do you want us to be?"
UB: "Well....you know...I was wondering...if we could maybe be...you know...boyfriend and girlfriend?"

Me: Grin

UB: "It's ok. You don't have to answer or say anything. I know it's really soon and we said we weren't going to rush. I just wondered is all. We can take our time."

Me: "How about we make it UNofficial for now?"

UB: "Well I'd say that's a step in the right direction."

Me: "But we are agreed it's exclusive?"

UB: "Oh yeah - definitely."

Me: Grin. Giggle. 

UB: "What? What's so funny?"

Me: Giggle. "You asked if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend."

Pause

Me: "Why do you keep looking at me?"

UB: "You're making happy sounds. I guess I just want to be a part of it. But to be honest, I'm pretty happy myself right now." 

Me: Even goofier grin. 

Cross your fingers for me, folks!

On the Sidelines

So...reality still bites since being smacked in the face with it, and I have been battling the Black Dog. I am fighting to hang in there in the hopes that when work resumes my outlook will improve...although I realized that what I thought upon first glance was amazing news turned out to be only mediocre in terms of prospects for the upcoming year, and I will still have to push to get what I need to make a bigger difference. Rehearsals are the only thing currently keeping me afloat....that and the little pats on the back I am able to give myself each day I get up and make my bed before noon and manage to eat sensibly and get some exercise in. Of course, then there are the days when I hide from my life under the covers and wish with all my heart that when I open my eyes I will have fantasized my world into being how I want it to be. No such luck so far. I do, however, remain mostly cigarette free, minus a couple of socials I've had with smoker friends when I felt about to break.

As expected, nothing has really panned out in terms of the love interests. The French guy is a great conversationalist and was fun to meet but has since flown The Rock to return home, the engineer is a truly amazing guy but I just don't feel it (which makes me sad) and have learned from experience that I cannot create spark where there is none, and the teacher and I are still chit chatting, but more infrequently. The engineering technician now seems all words and no follow through (I think it's now time to write him off), the blond and the British Columbian seem to have disappeared, and the young software guy pops up from time to time but we have still yet to meet. There are others thrown into the mix as well, but I honestly wonder why I continue to bother.

I think part of my problem is the knowledge that summer is coming to an end (which is good and bad). And that I am still in the same situation I've been in, more or less, for the past two years. It's also the fact that social media duly informs me daily that one by one my friends, family, and acquaintances are all falling in love, getting engaged or married, having babies, receiving promotions, buying new houses or vehicles...and, much as this makes me happy for them, it makes me go under in self pity mode as I wonder how much longer I will have to wait and watch until it is my turn. My life feels flat...empty...meaningless. My surroundings currently hold no charm, and my world feels dim. Truly, we really don't get enough sunshine here.

I'm Baaaack!!!

It has been a wild and busy couple of months with a lot going on and a tad bit of flying by the seat of my pants.

I guess this all began in May...there was the play, the trip to NYC, the choir performance and work, which had picked up...not too out of the ordinary, but exciting pour moi. At some point I met a chef who wined and dined me for a few days before heading home (out of the province)...he was great but I determined that he wasn't for me, much to his disappointment.

Following that, I landed a small role in a play for this summer - which I subsequently had to relinquish due to a last minute "go" on Quebec, where I spent 5 glorious weeks full of action, adventure, and learning. It was incredible.

I have since returned and am coming to grips with my re-introduction to reality. The first little while was brutal, but it ain't all bad: rehearsals for a new play are in full swing with a second on the horizon (both of which I auditioned for before my sojourn in La Belle Province), I got some good news which should increase the amount of work I get this year, I'm re-starting (for the millionth time) my attempts to get back into shape, I've been mostly cigarette free since July 2nd, and there are no less than 7 newbies on the radar. That's a lot, I know, but I swear I only initiated contact with one. It's all in the beginning "getting to know you" stages anyway, so I'm sure most of them will just fizzle and fade. I'm just trying to relax, go with the flow, and see what leads where.

The radar blips are as follows:

The engineering technician I met before going away (he is now on vacation but we plan to get together when he gets back). I like him so far and I really look forward to seeing him again. He's in my comfort zone age wise and seems like a solid guy.

The teacher from Ontario I met in Quebec - he's a few years younger than me, but very cute, funny, and incredibly sweet...I'm not entirely sure if he likes me that way or not, but we've been in contact since going our separate ways and I am definitely crushing on him.

The engineer I met when I came back, who is also cute, sweet and younger. He seems very spirited and eager to please and he has a killer smile. He's asked me out again and I think I'm gonna take him up on it.

Then there are those I have yet to meet:

The blond who's about my age - he seems pretty normal and kinda fun. He's asked me out but I haven't given a definite response yet.

The software engineer - again, young, cute, and seemingly sensible, and claiming to be very interested in me.

The older French guy who is currently vacationing in NL and wants to get together. My impressions of him are still kind of vague.

The British Columbian living in England...I'm not sure of my take on him yet, either.

So that's it, in a nutshell! I shall try to be better about posting regularly but with my current schedule it may be a little more difficult. Hope all is well in your world! :)