Awakening

I feel as though I am alive again for the first time in a long time. I have been battling depression, stress, and anxiety since the end of Easter. It has been rough at times. Demons long-buried have resurfaced, wreaking havoc and demanding attention. My inner voice has been drowning in negativity. I have been neglecting myself, my well-being, and my environment. I have been binge-eating unhealthy foods, having a drink more often, not getting enough sleep or exercise. My body is rebelling. I've gained what feels like a lot of weight and lost what feels like a lot of muscle, I've been sick, I've needed more chiropractic adjustments and massages to function, my skin has been irritated, I contracted a virus that made its effects known for a couple of weeks, and I've had frequent headaches. My humble abode is not as clean, neat, and tidy as I would like and it adds to my stress, irritation, and frustration. The work ahead of me feels just as daunting as that I just left behind. Yet I know that I need to be kind to myself again (and not just because my recently acquired counsellor tells me so). I slept a lot yesterday and last night. I slept in this morning. I went for a walk. I was excited just to be out in nature and not having to return to a pile of work afterwards. I still abused myself with food today, but at least I did those things for myself. I smiled and laughed and breathed fresh air. And I rested. Tomorrow I plan on adding more positives to that list. It is time. I need to be able to feel good again and to feel good about myself again. I need to look in the mirror and not cringe, to look around me and feel relaxed and comfortable. Small steps. Don't overwhelm. Change the negative self-talk. Find the distorted thoughts and adjust them. Love above criticism, self-blame, self-doubt. Gain strength. Be decisive. Be active. Create a mantra and stick to it.

Sigh...I am so lucky to have such a great guy by my side to help me through all this. I've seriously been a mess. I think it's the first time in my life that I have let myself be totally open and vulnerable to a man and trusted that he would be there for me and not judge me. He has exceeded all of that and has been more helpful and supportive than I could have imagined. He is truly a fantastic blessing in my life. We had to put ring-hunting on hold due to our overwhelmingly busy schedules, but there is no doubt in my mind that we will find one and get the process started when the time is right. We are also planning a trip this summer so that I can finally meet his out-of-province family. I'm kind of scared, nervous, and excited. I hope it goes well! I haven't met anyone's family like this in over a decade, and only ever the one time. It will be interesting, no doubt!

Love and Marriage

Boyfriend and I are talking marriage...well, we have been since month 1 really, but now that we are in month....20? we are actually starting to look at engagement rings (um, wow...holy decisions! to think that I have considered not even bothering with an engagement ring and now after 3 trips to the jewellery store and trying on rings, I am daydreaming diamonds!) and wedding details. We don't really know where to start, but we are discussing, looking, and trying to price things out to get an idea of what we are looking at and what is reasonable and affordable for us. I feel like I'm chasing my tail in circles sometimes, but it's interesting trying to figure out what is important to us and what can be sacrificed in looking for a happy medium for the special day. We have touched on everything from going to the courthouse and getting a JP to perform the deed to doing the destination wedding to the all out family affair. In all honesty, I can't really decide what I can live with sans regrets. And all the while I am reminding myself that I do not want to get sucked up into the big traditional (expensive) white wedding mess...not that there is anything wrong with that, just that it does not fit in our current budget. The most important thing is making this do-able and moving forward with the actual marriage that comes after the wedding. 

I always assumed I would follow the prescribed formula of the masses if this time ever came (as I did in my education and career choices) but, after taking a realistic look at my situation (and having a heart to heart with Boyfriend and another with my brother, who is getting married himself this summer), Boyfriend and I think that the best first step for us is marriage. We are not in the position to go house hunting with him in school and me not having stable employment and I am not prepared to start having children until I am married and (hopefully) have a home. 

I have to say, much as I am frustrated at times that this process is not moving fast enough for me (I know, I know, things take time and there's no need to rush), I am happy with the progress we have made in the last month or so. It is good to know that we at least have a direction to go in and a starting point. It is also good to know that I am OK with (actually excited about) exploring different options for our wedding and the order of things. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at myself, since I am not the same person I was years ago when I thought about marriage in an offhand manner once in a while. The fact that I am SURE that I want this is a feat in itself! I have never been certain that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone or had that "this is it!" feeling. Well, it has arrived. It's been here a while. I think it started about 20 months ago. I am so unbelievably in love with Boyfriend. It's actually overwhelming sometimes. We have an amazing relationship and it makes everything else brighter and more bearable. He is everything I want and need in a partner (even if I do get the urge to choke him on a daily basis when he brings his messiness to a new level or finds other ways to annoy the shit out of me). Nothing has ever felt so right and so natural. 

...yep - this is me. Madly in love and ready to be married :)

Growth and Stability

So I've managed to secure employment for myself up til the end of June (as of the end of February). Yay me! I'm striving towards balance and setting boundaries so that it doesn't consume me, but I probably won't be able to blog regularly for that period of time.

Boyfriend's aunt came to visit us last week. She was the first of his family I have met and it eased my mind quite a bit...so much so that I had to bite back a proposal from escaping my lips. Things I never would have expected from myself...but, yeah, I wanna marry this guy! We have discussed it lots anyway and we know the feeling is mutual...it's just a matter of having the funds, procuring the ring and working from there. I sometimes wonder if I even want or need any of that stuff. I'm seriously tempted every now and then to say shag it and skip the engagement ring and go straight to a JP or something with the wedding bands. Scary stuff. Yet not at all. The only thing that stops me is the fear of regret...and boyfriend's surety that his family would be upset if we went about it that way without me having met them all, etc (mine probably would, too, if I'm honest). We shall see what happens.

Also in breaking news, I've discovered that my threshold for handling stress and surviving it has risen, as has my ability to conduct myself with calm, quiet confidence in the face of people who wish to use me as a punching bag. I somehow got through a meeting with two people who were intent on taking their anger out on me and ripping me to shreds and was able to not only keep it together, defuse their anger and state my case, but also to continue on through five more meetings afterwards. My skin has grown thicker, it would appear! Mind you, I did come home at the end of the night and confide in Boyfriend and I did shed a few tears of frustration and hurt. I am still human, after all.

On that note, I am off to do some more relaxing and self-nourishing to soothe my depleted body, mind, and soul. I shall return when I am able. Happy St. Paddy's Day weekend!

M.I.A.

Missing in action...kinda how I've been feeling about myself and/or my life as of late. I'm not really sure which would be a better description. I just know that I'm in that place, once again, where there isn't a lot going on...at least on the main stage. I am holding onto hope that there's all sorts of stuff in the works below the surface. I'm playing the wait and see game, I guess; though unintentionally. I'm a mass of content and discontent. Ambiguous, no? 

I went to see Les Misérables Sunday at the ACC. I must say, it was a very powerful performance. And I was dying inside to not be up on the stage. I know how it feels to experience a standing O after putting your heart and soul into a performance and my heart was bursting with pride for all those involved; shrivelling in my chest with the ache of not having known that feeling in so long.

I look at my bank account and try not to panic as I wait for the work to roll in; struggle to be productive day to day and not sink into a deeper depression. I also try not to feel too much guilt for the relax time I have. It's hard to find a balance. 

I see myself in the mirror and try not to shudder at the sight that greets me. Where did all those excess pounds come from? How could I let this happen again? I try to make the best of things...dress my body as it is right now, rid my closet of hopeless items that will be less than helpful if I ever shed the weight again. I accept my reality (though I hate the discomfort and the current hibernation of my sexy self) and do my best to not beat myself up too much. I tell myself I will start treating my body right again and attempt to nourish it and be active. I don't feel like it is enough, but it is something. 

I look at my love and my heart melts; my soul full of gratitude. I have him. He is wonderful. He is a constant. I am very fortunate to be so loved and accepted. I am so very blessed to have found him; so very blessed to have such an amazing family and some awesome friends. I really should try and see them more. 

Things are going to be OK, right? Better than OK. I will eventually find my way to where I'm going. I will find things to help me love the journey again. The excitement will turn up, the destination will arrive, and I will live my life again. My time will come, once again, and the sun will shine. It's just hard in the interim.

Forward ho!

The whirlwind has passed. Life outside work is returning, and the hunt for more work continues. Boyfriend and I moved at the beginning of December and are now settled into new digs. We are much more comfortable and happier here. The plan is to hunker down and make it home until we can afford one of our own. We are both out of shape and carrying more pounds than we should and are working on returning to a healthier lifestyle. I am enjoying some time to finally unwind yet determined to remain productive and keep my spirits high while I strive to regain balance and await further opportunities. Life is good. Must not stress.

Batter Up!

Amidst the comings and goings of company, babysitting for my friend, and helping my brother move - as well as treading water trying to keep up with the necessary mundane tasks - I have had to admit momentary defeat as far as keeping active and eating clean. Sad times. I'm not actually upset, though. Things will be fine as soon as we have our own space back. And I got some fantastic news: I will be employed for the next 4 months. Yay for stability! I was so excited I literally did a happy dance on the spot...followed by a little shedding of relieved tears to know that I have stability and financial security for at least a third of the year. Of course, along with all the happiness, excitement, and relief, is also a sense of nervous anticipation tinged with fear. It's been awhile since I had a real turn at bat to show what I'm made of in the field. I hope I am up to snuff.

All's Well...

It's hard to believe the summer is coming to a close (although I've been fighting to stay in denial on this fact). I've just survived a very busy week and I'm headed into another after a day or two of brief reprieve. Despite planning and preparation, between my cousin's wedding, a trip to see the parents, and visitors coming and going, It's been challenging (to say the least) to stay even remotely close to the clean eating menus I've been busting my butt to create. Exercise has been largely non-existent (unless you count dancing at the wedding). However, I'm back to my own abode and I am still determined to stick with it all as best I can. Hopefully things will settle into a semblance of consistency again once this week is done. Boyfriend and I are planning a couple of small outings to try and take advantage of what's left of the weather, since we have hardly enjoyed any time together outside at all this summer. I'm quite looking forward to it. In the meantime, I am remembering to cut myself a little slack instead of pummelling the mental and emotional crap out of myself for every little transgression. Progress, right?