So I'm sitting here with a glass of port and I'm thinking I should probably be in bed. One of the things about not having a regular job that I'm finding hard to cope with (aside from the obvious lack of income and resultant stress) is the absence of routine and trying to get in and out of bed at decent hours. Being unemployed most definitely takes a toll on your self-confidence and your self-worth. I keep praying for a neon sign to fall from the sky and hit me in the head, telling me what to do and which way to go to get to where I want to be. So far, no such luck. It just doesn't seem to want to materialize.
In a sense, I have all the time in the world and don't know what to do with it most days. I try to keep busy and be as productive as I can muster (depending on how depressed I am about not having a regular job or not quite knowing what it is that I want to do or how to go about doing it - some days are better than others). I try and stay active and get out of the apartment for some fresh air daily but that doesn't always happen either. I told myself I would use this time to figure everything out and to write in the meantime. It turns out that has been easier said than done. I keep taking baby steps but I feel like I am churning my wheels and getting nowhere (wow that was a mixed metaphor...or was it even a metaphor? In any event, how can you take steps if you are using wheels?). Sigh.
In other news, there is no one who has sparked my interest in the online dating arena of late. I do find it interesting, however, that the one person I am intrigued by these days has recently shown up there. It's tricky though. I don't have a picture posted on the dating site due to working in the public sector (let's face it - teachers have to be uber careful about that sort of thing - although I've noticed some have said screw it and thrown caution to the wind...perhaps it's more relaxed down here than it was in BC?) but he does. So I have the advantage of knowing who he is on there. Offline, I see him weekly in rehearsals but don't really have the opportunity to approach him - or a valid excuse to do so. And in my defense, it's not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world to start a conversation with someone you've never before spoken to and happen to be interested in in front of an audience of people who possibly DO know him. (I think the port is starting to take effect...is it just me or is my writing sounding rather convoluted right now? I'm seriously a lightweight (and mostly seldom) drinker). A male friend suggested I should send him an online message and get to know him that way without disclosing my identity unless he asked, but that seems creepy/deceitful to me...and potentially very awkward and embarrassing - what if the interest factor wasn't reciprocated and then I had to continue to see him every week?
Anyway...let's backtrack a bit to the potential interest, himself. I say potential because I don't really know anything about him except that he is super talented, seems quite intelligent, has a great smile, and I want to get to know him better. And then there is the part of me that thinks, "Seriously? Why bother? You are just getting to the place where you're totally comfortable being solo. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Don't mess with it. Mr. Right will pop out of the woodwork and find you when the time is right." Yet, I can't help wondering...does he wonder about me too?
I also find it interesting that my inbox has developed an empty echo lately. For awhile there I was having a hard time keeping up with the correspondence. Now it's as if the universe has intervened and decided that I am supposed to just be alone right now and figure everything else out. To just continue focusing on myself and being patient for the romantic aspect to come along whenever it will. It's odd.
In any event, I'm going to try boxing tomorrow with a friend. That should be entertaining and stress-relieving. Perhaps it will help vent some of these muddled thought processes and provide some clarity while releasing endorphins. Toodles for now!