Monday, April 11, 2011

Dark Horse

Well, all bets are off with the top 3. A dark horse has emerged and blown the competition into oblivion...

It started when I noticed that someone I had been chatting with a while ago (it didn't really go anywhere) had newly viewed my profile again. On a whim, I sent a hello. From there, the typical dialogue began...all of those standard conversation starters and Q and A stuff...harmless chit chat via email on the dating site that went on for a couple of days. But something changed. Somewhere along the way I intrigued him enough to ask for my number. I am usually loath to give my number to someone so quickly, but something about his words sparked something in me in the point where I thought, "My God, could this be him?" Of course, I dismissed that as a flight of fancy inspired by overtiredness and the apparent contrast to the overabundance of wretched swine I've been subjected to (and subjected myself to in some cases) because you really can't know that quickly...can you?

...I know, I know...I have jumped the gun and let my hopes and dreams carry me ahead of my feet before. And so I am kind of hesitant and trying to keep myself grounded and level headed and not floating somewhere in the clouds... But I can't describe the effect this man has on me. He really appears to be everything I have been wanting and waiting for...and for once I don't think it's just me trying to convince myself that things are there because I want so desperately to see them in someone who interests me. Not only is he attractive, open, smart, funny, talented and sweet, there are no warning bells so far...I am not sure if that has ever happened over the course of my entire track record.

I'm in awe...and scared. Really, really scared. I cannot begin to describe the mixture of emotions I am experiencing, all jumbled together. I want to hope and believe again. I want to trust. I've already started to develop feelings for this guy, and I'm assured it's fact, he 'fessed up before I did. And it feels like truth to me. I won't say I'm in love...but I care...and I am so tempted to throw caution to the wind and let myself fall. I'm happy and excited and apprehensively waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm calm and comforted and secure, yet kind of unbalanced and impatient and hopeless and fearing I'll somehow scare him away. Part of me wants to dive in and part of me is very carefully keeping it's distance. But I have divulged things to him that some of my friends are not even aware of...and I feel comfortable doing so. Considering we have only been getting to know each other for a couple of weeks at most, that's insanity is it not? God, I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass...

In the meantime, a few guys who were showing interest before (or who I was interested in myself in some cases) and had since disappeared, have magically re-appeared looking for my attention. And, with the exception of the 34 year old mentioned in my last post (who had a pretty good excuse for disappearing and all but begged me for a second chance...which I decided to give and which he also blew), I have not given it...nor even been tempted to. I closed my online dating account within days of talking to the new guy (he had closed his prior to that with no pressure for me to do the same...I wanted to. That's not happened since I opened it almost a year ago...I've hidden it from view by the dating community and/or lost interest from time to time and once or twice contemplated it, but never felt certain that I wanted to remove myself from the arena...something was telling me to wait).

There is one fly in the ointment, though (well, the only one I've really discovered so far). He's in Labrador. And we don't know when we will get to meet each other (but are both hoping it will be sooner rather than later) with our current circumstances. Normally, I would not even entertain the idea of talking to a romantic interest who wasn't close enough that I could go meet him and determine where things stood in person as soon as I felt comfortable...but I can't stand the thought of NOT entertaining the idea here. I want to know. We click so well online and on the phone and we've seen each other on cam...and, still, I tell myself, that is not the same as being in someones company. It's crazy, right? Who does this??? Certainly not this girl! In fact, I would send any of my friends who put themselves in this situation and spouted crazy talk like this for a psychiatric evaluation! How can you feel this way about someone you have never met? How can you miss them so much it hurts? We actually ask each other that...neither of us has an answer...but something inside me tells me this may very well be him. How is that possible?

...and so all I can do for now is cross my fingers and wait. And hope that something this wonderful and promising doesn't fizzle out before we get a chance to explore it further...