Two Things

1. I think I may be finally ready to love again and I kinda miss being in love. I actually found myself feeling envious over pictures of a teenage romance posted on facebook yesterday...she looks stunningly beautiful and blissfully happy and he looks like he adores her more than anyone or anything he has ever encountered. He also made some of the cutest, warmest, most genuine comments ever underneath those pictures. It's so sweet. I hope it works out for them.

2. Probably one of the biggest and best, most freeing lessons I learned over the past year, summed up in a Jason Mraz song:

Poison

Toxicity does not even begin to describe it. Resentment has settled in. Another perfectly good day...no, wait...a downright wonderful day! A day in which I made an impact on a group of young people, resolved anew to always be myself and be true to myself, received a multitude of compliments, and got to have fun with new connections. Soured. How does one deal with the fallout after continuous cycles of episodes that all start and end the same way...with you. I had hoped not to have to make a black or white kind of decision, but more and more I feel I may be forced in that direction. And this time, I will choose me. In the meantime, I am up much later than I had wanted or intended and struggling to regain the sense of calm, happy contentment; indeed - utter bliss! - that carried me through the day and into the evening before it was worn down and tired out and finally stomped on before it could come to rest and be rejuvenated for the morrow. I am sure I will forgive you quickly, as I most often do. But the damage has also been done.

Ball of Sunshine

Warm fuzzies are radiating from my every pore. I am very thankful and very cognizant of the fact that I am an extremely lucky girl. I have a wonderful family and some pretty amazing friends. Add to that that I got a call for work tomorrow, spent lots of time with some of my favourite people this weekend, journalled for the first time in ages today, and have taken the time to really acknowledge and rediscover my passion for acting and love of singing and you can begin to see why I would be so suffused with calm happiness and contented gratitude tonight. My soul is delighted and I just want to spread the sunshine to every corner I can reach. It may, perhaps, sound nauseatingly sweet and over-the-top optimistic, but I swear it is genuine and it is true. Such a great feeling to be so full of love and light and positivity! I MUST be on the right path!

On a couple of unrelated (hmm or maybe somehow connected?) notes, I am starting to get excited about my upcoming trip to New York, and I think I may be developing a bit of a crush.

The Balance

3 weeks. That is how long it has been since my last post; since I have written anything other than lists, texts, and the odd email. Too long. My world was exploding with activity and it has now come to a momentary standstill. I was calm...happy...invigorated. That is now interspersed with anxiety, confusion, and doubt. Anyway, here's the rundown of updates:

Smoking - it's been over a month with the odd slip here and there...which means a cig or two once a week or two when I am in the company of smokers. I'm not going to beat myself up too much because it is a process and I have made progress from smoking regularly. However, I am still not proud of it and looking forward to being stronger in the near future.

Weight loss - back on the wagon and making an effort to drink more water, make better food choices, and get more exercise. I have been going to various classes (from kick boxing to hot yoga) with a couple of different friends, as well as walking, doing in home workouts and working out with my brother from time to time...whatever I can fit in and whenever I can fit it in with a goal of at least 4 sessions a week. So far, I am down 1.5 lbs. Myfitnesspal has been helping. I downloaded the iPhone app and added a friend who has also been using it. (Side note: I am shocked at how much sugar I actually consume!! :s ).

Work - meh. Up and down. Hard to say. I've gotten calls from 4 different schools so far since the holidays and been to 3 of them. Calls are not regular or consistent and I'm currently in what feels like a slump period. I am hoping it picks back up soon (although I've been pretty sick for the past week or so, so it's probably best I haven't gotten a call in the past few days so that I have a chance to recuperate). I am also in the midst of trying to figure out a path of professional growth to pursue.

Dating - nonexistent. I decided the guy I was dating was not the right one for me and ended it. We still talk and I am glad of that. I still have contact with the guy who wanted back into my life as well, but I haven't been really entertaining the idea of giving him another chance. And the guy who was in NS contacted me to let me know he will be moving back here in the spring. For now, I am content to just be solo and concentrate on me.

Friendships - currently mending fences with the friend I let go last year. We are both in different places now and it seems to be flowing more smoothly so far. However, it's still early in the game. I have also reconnected with a few friends who, sadly, got back burnered due to life in general. And I am having difficulty dealing with the friendship I referred to in this post recently. It is that which is causing me anxiety right now. I had my eyes opened in a big way through a series of events and realized that this was not a healthy relationship for me to be in...and it is a complicated situation. Now I am trying to figure out how to move forward and change the relationship...but it is not easy after over a decade of established habits and routines. Only time will tell what will happen, but I really don't want to go back to the way things were. I can't.

Theatre and choir - the dual loves of my life. I haven't had/been to as many rehearsals in the past couple of weeks and I miss them dearly when they are not there/I am too sick to attend. They keep me busy, they make me happy, they allow me to escape, and they are food to my soul.

Other than that, my family continues to be loving and supportive, and the remainder of my friends continue to be a source of comfort and joy and I treasure each of them for who they are and what they bring to my life. And I am trying to take more control of my finances again and also want to find more time to write and keep on top of taking care of myself and my apartment. Time management was never my strong suit...it seems like something always gets sacrificed and falls behind...

Yes, I have come leaps and bounds in this new year...now...how do I keep it up and make it all balance?

V-Day

I survived it. Barely. I was fine until about 7:30 and then I started to crack. I was almost in tears as I drove across town after going out to supper with my parents, my brother, his girlfriend, and her brother (which I was thankful for as it saved me from eating alone...although my backup plan was to tag along with a girl friend and her co-workers). I kept busy all day (most of which I spent with my parents) and tried to ignore the fact that I am a single girl on one of the most hellish days of the year for single girls. What hit me was that the guy I was seeing last winter who wants to come back into my life (and who I told I am sort of seeing someone but that we can be friends) texted me to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day and asked if I had plans. The guy I am sort of seeing....did not. I told myself it didn't matter. This is just another day. It's lost all meaning for me, anyway, just as Christmas and New Year's and practically everything else has. On the way home, my brain waged war on itself. I reflected on how silly it is that we nominate one day a year to celebrate different things and how it's just a societal thing that creates these pressures and expectations. That they make people run around like mindless robots buying things because they are so commercialized (when did I stop being one of those people? When did I stop caring about all these holidays and occasions? I used to relish each and every one of them...).

But it sort of does matter. Because I felt it. And it bothers me. I kept it together, though. I ran errands and worked out and talked to a couple of girl friends. I didn't take the guy who wants into my life up on his request to get together when he was done hanging out with his buddy because I didn't know if that was a good idea or not, feeling vulnerable. Now I am home. Alone. Disappointed. And lonely. I unhid my profile on the dating site tonight on impulse. It's been private for a while now because I was tired of getting messages and not really responding to them...or advising my would-be pursuers that I was not currently up for meeting anyone new. Ironically enough, one of the first profiles I saw I am pretty sure is a new one belonging to the aforementioned Cheating Bastard (he was on the scene last winter/spring). His face is not clearly visible, but the stats and description match him to a T and I am 99% sure that I recognize his physique and what I can see of his face in shadow.

Anyway, it's a good thing I have so many things coming up to keep me busy and occupied. Choir tomorrow night and possible coffee with the guy who asked me to go out tonight afterwards, and theatre Thursday night...which will bring me to the weekend. Sigh. The weekend. Always the hardest in terms of smoking. It's Day 23 right now and only one slip back on Day 5ish. I can tell you one thing though...with all the upheaval of the past week and then today's upset, I have certainly tested my ability to fight caving in. I drowned my sorrows temporarily in a HUGE ice cream cone at Costco tonight (the frozen colada I had with supper had run it's course as a void-filler at that point) to avoid buying a pack and lighting up after watching everyone filing through the checkouts with Valentine's goodies in hand (I am thankful that my mother still gets us a little something for each occasion. It sort of helped today). The reliance on food has to stop too, though, because my clothes are getting more than a tad uncomfortable and my wardrobe is shrinking. Which is why I asked my brother's girlfriend to check into some classes we can try together at the gym. Yep, busy will be my new armour. And it will be good for me, too.

Absent

Where are you when I talk to you and my words bounce off your ears? Why can you not be present? The number of times I am asked to repeat myself is almost insulting...except that I know you are not you. And then you claim to not know the things I have already told you. It is so difficult to choke back the frustration and disappointment. I love you dearly, my friend, but I very rarely get to see you these days. Your self-imposed isolation has become more literal than metaphorical and has no explanation...or one that makes so little sense I am not sure what to make of it. I don't know how to reach you or what to expect when I finally do...will it be anger I find? Sadness? Loneliness? Or am I expected to pretend, yet again, that everything is normal? When did this anomaly become acceptable in my world? I long to remove these kid gloves and walk on something more substantial than eggshells. I'm so weary of having the same conversation and making/accepting excuses on your behalf. I can no longer cope in this role. Where are you?

Score!

The play I auditioned for? I got offered the lead female role. The choir audition I went to tonight? Success. Very much. And I am now their newest member. I also worked yesterday and today. Yep, all in all it's good to be me right now. So much so that I can grin and bear the burning discomfort I am experiencing right now due to an allergic reaction to a new facial moisturizer I decided to try (which had rave reviews online...but apparently not everyone needs to live in a bubble like me).