Tuesday, February 15, 2011
So over the past few months I have added a bunch of guys from the online dating site to my MSN in order to chat and get to know them better. No surprise there. And I've heard that there are a lot of cheaters out there who use this avenue to drum up affairs. But I hadn't experienced it myself (knowingly, at least) until a couple of nights ago (well...unless you count the random message I got on the dating site itself a few weeks ago asking if I'd like to have a threesome with some guy and his wife - but I'm assuming wifey is in on that...unless the guy plans on having unexplained girls pop up in their bed, which I'm sure would be interesting but probably not go over well).
Getting back to my story, though, I had chatted with this guy...we'll call him M...a few times and found that the conversation was pretty good. He is also a fellow teacher and so was able to relate to me that way and offer some suggestions on how to improve my current job situation. Anyway, I commented on the fact that he is rather vague about certain things and made a joke about him being paranoid, etc. He denied the paranoia, but pointed out the fact that I had forgotten the possibility that perhaps he is married and didn't want me to know. So I asked, point blank, "Are you married?" and was shocked when the response came back, "Yes."
I don't know why, but that never ceases to blow my mind. I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I cannot wrap my head around why or how people can do that sort of thing - although it happens all the time. Admittedly, there have been a couple of occasions when I was tempted but I never even came close to going through with it, despite being unhappy in the relationships I was in at the time. I am of the opinion that if you are not happy with someone and can't work through things then you should part ways and give each other a fresh chance at happiness. In the meantime, if you are together then you are together - that means you don't disrespect and betray them by being unfaithful...for obvious, and numerous, reasons.
M claimed that he has been married a few years, loves his wife, and has never cheated on her. He said they used to have a great sex life but that they aren't able to have sex anymore. He also said that he is happy most of the time, but that he doesn't know what will happen to the relationship in future (although he has no intention of leaving). Yet he admitted that his intention in contacting me was to try and meet me and have sex with me. M also expected me to believe that I was the only woman he was talking to from the dating site (well, M, I'm sorry to inform you that your MSN profile tells another story) and that it had taken him a couple of months to work up the nerve to send me a message due to the factors of guilt and intimidation.
Anyway, obviously that revelation changed everything and caused a lot of questions and turmoil within me for a short time. I asked him a bunch of things in an effort to understand his thinking (don't ask why - it's just how I am. I like to understand things, whether I agree with them or not). Part of me was disappointed that he was no longer a potential candidate on my dating list (although thank God on the other hand because he's certainly not the type of man I'd want to be involved with) and that my morals would no longer justify me talking to him. Part of me was reminded of finding my ex-boyfriend's profile on a dating site and being devastated over the whole ordeal. Yet another part of me sympathized with him about having a less than satisfactory sex life, which I experienced in one of my previous relationships as well and which was certainly not easy. I told myself at the time that it wasn't as important as all the other aspects of the relationship, but I also promised myself when I got out that I would NEVER sacrifice that again. Mostly, though, I just felt bad for his wife, who had apparently gone to bed early feeling sick, which had allowed him to get online and talk to me (of course, I didn't know that at the outset of the conversation).
I guess the bottom line is that this sort of thing gives one a lot to think about in terms of trust and commitment, secrecy and lies. I could go on and on about how you never really know someone, or about how you have to trust until you have a reason not to...I could wax poetic about the need to trust your instincts or how things have a way of coming out in the wash...but I'm sure you can ponder all those things by yourself without my aid - and most likely already have at some point or another.