Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Easy Come, Easy Go

The good guy did, indeed, get spooked. We met for coffee and he fed me a line about not really having time for anyone right now and wanting to let me know that I can go ahead and explore my other options instead of waiting for something from him that may not be coming. Oh boy. Where to start? First off, while that may be plausible, he was making all kinds of time to try and see me so I know I scared him and that's what spurred this. Secondly, he did go about it in a very mature, considerate, and admirable way and I respect and appreciate that. And thirdly, whoeverl said I was going to stop being open to meeting other people while waiting around for something from him? I think I've already learned my lesson there tenfold!

I'm also glad to report that my resiliency has apparently been heightened much more than I realized...I'm pretty much over the whole thing with the cheater already. I let myself have a little cry about it over the weekend, but that was it. There was a time when I would have been crushed over this forevermore. It's so good to know that I'm getting a little smarter and a little stronger every day. Granted, there are still aspects of the whole situation that I wonder about but I know that all I'm really required to understand is that he is a deceitful jerk. I wasn't the first, I won't be the last, and I can't look out for his girlfriend. I did my part by giving her the information. What she decided to do with it is her concern. He doesn't get to play me anymore, and that is what matters. I did decide to send him one very concise message and say what I needed to say to him, though. There were no questions or accusations and I didn't call him names or rant about how angry I was or how much he'd hurt me or anything of that sort - what would be the point? He doesn't care about any of that, anyway, and I'm not about being immature, wasting energy, or giving him power over me. But I found a way to get myself some closure by speaking to him on a level that he will hear and understand.

In the meantime, it also didn't take long for new prospects to pop up and take the place of those now stricken from my list of potential dates. It's amusing, really, when you look at it. I got an email out of the blue from a guy I haven't heard from in weeks, inviting me to dinner this past weekend...or was it the weekend before? Have I mentioned this already? Anyway, I declined...but I'm wondering what I have to lose by actually taking him up on it. You never know, right? I also got a facebook message from another guy I haven't heard from in forever...his story is a little different though. We had been chatting for a bit but hadn't actually met when he got himself a girlfriend...they broke up recently and now I'm looking like a good candidate for a rebound, I suppose. After all, we've already been in contact so that lessens the work required, right? There is also a new 26 year old (seems to be a popular age these days) who contacted me on the dating site (well, there have been others as well, but he is in the lead so far by way of being able to compose actual sentences complete with proper spelling and punctuation. The grammar I can forgive somewhat, as I take liberties with it myself from time to time). It's nice that he seems very forthcoming with information about himself so far, but at the same time, his messages are all about offering detailed information I haven't requested and not really asking much about me. Hmm...

On another note, yesterday I felt a euphoria I haven't experienced in some time and it was awesome. The littlest things sometimes make all the difference to a day, I have to say. This was initiated first by running into my best friend unexpectedly after a brutally exhausting day teaching a particularly demanding primary class. I then came home, checked my phone, and got voicemail from an assistant principal who was looking to book me for Thursday and Friday. And in those moments, I was just so incredibly happy and thankful. The sun was shining and I got in my car and drove across town with the biggest beaming smile on my face, revelling in the freedom and lightness I was experiencing inside...and it wasn't only work, money, and friendship related.

At the risk of rambling and coming across as a total crackpot, I will attempt to describe and explain:

I started reflecting on recent events and it seemed to me that the universe has, indeed, decided to start aligning things in my path. A friend of mine has been telling me for months that I am going places and I actually do feel that in my soul and in my bones from time to time. Yesterday it was felt as though the things I want are getting closer to my reach. That I am on the right path. That I have been making the right choices and have finally solidified myself, in a sense. I know who I am and I embrace it...all of me, not just pieces. In fact, I love me and I'm very proud of me. I am more myself than I have ever been and that has taken a lifetime to accomplish. I cannot begin to tell you how far I've come from being the shy, nervous, scared, insecure girl with zero confidence that I was...gullible, naive, unable to look in the mirror, afraid to stand up for the woman I am today. It's been quite a transformation and it was a very long and bumpy road, but it is SO GOOD to finally be here with so much more strength and awareness and self-worth. I actually felt yesterday that I was being rewarded for finally being true to myself...for opening, seeing, appreciating, learning, growing, and taking action in my life in so many ways after being somehow stagnant for what felt like an eternity. For being able to take a hit, deal with it quickly and effectively in a way that I'm satisfied with, and let go. For doing the right thing. And I have to admit, it also felt damned liberating and uplifting - refreshing! - to realize that I wasn't stewing or pining or even really genuinely INTERESTED in any man right now. Yep...I'm definitely getting there!


  1. Oh it is so good to get cauught up on your doings and realize how much stronger you are getting.
    Goodonya, we only learn through pain - at least that's been my experience!

  2. Thank you WWW. I appreciate that :-)