Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Rays of Light

On the work front:

So ever since I made up my mind to go to Central the calls have been picking up. A case of "God helps those who help themselves," perhaps? I have my new criminal record check all ready to go, anyway, so I guess I just continue to play it by ear. It's still sporadic and it's hard to be in limbo from day to day, but at least the situation has improved. I actually made up my mind to go home last Monday and ended up getting 4 days of work that week and then this week I was all set to go again but got a call Sunday night, which led into work on Tuesday and Wednesday as well. Two of those were half days, however, so I guess really it only counts as 2 days of work. Better than back in the fall, but perhaps still not good enough to warrant sticking it out for the time being when I could maybe be getting 3-4 days every week....MAYBE. It's a shame none of it can be predicted, though. One never knows when another teacher will be away or whether they'll be called to fill in for him/her during that absence. And my mother just informed me that a couple of principals out in Central have been inquiring about me again...sigh...I just keep my fingers crossed and say a little prayer every night for someone/something to guide me and help me figure out what to do.

On the latest hurt front:

I think I am getting there in regard to moving past the cheating bastard...for real this time. I just needed some more time to process and wrap my head around a few things, adjust my thought patterns toward the situation, and let go of the missing and the associated feelings. He doesn't occupy my mind so much and I don't miss him as much and I don't torture myself so much with "what if" scenarios. So weird how we do that to ourselves. Even after we've decided it isn't right for us, we have moments of weakness when those thoughts creep back in and hold our minds and hearts hostage. I just keep reminding myself that he does not deserve a moment of my time or energy - whether he's aware of having it or not - and that even if his girlfriend did buy whatever bullshit he fed her, at some point she will have to face the truth and will probably be kicking herself for staying. Much as he obviously wasn't into me in an honest, I'm-free-and-want-to-get-to-know-you-and-give-this-a-shot sense, he's also not into her if he could do what he did. Which, even though I know he is not worthy of me anyway, makes me feel better for some reason.

On the dating front:

There are a few new prospects on the horizon...leading the pack are a 34 year old, a 31 year old and a - GASP! - 24 year old?!?! How did THAT happen??? I have yet to meet any of them, but have been conversing with each of them and trying to get a feel for their personalities and a sense of whether or not there are many commonalities. I've also turned down a few invites to dinners and coffees from other men for various reasons...although as I'm typing this I'm wondering if I should perhaps reconsider on one of those...I wonder if it's too late? Hmm...

...Back to the current top 3 jockeying for position,'s so odd how fleeting and fickle the whole online thing can be. The littlest things can make an impact one way or another and conversations spark and dwindle, and reignite in some cases, in such an unpredictable way. Sorry...just pondering that one out loud...or onscreen, as the case may be. Anyway, the 34 year old is probably most interesting to me at this particular point in time, but the 31 year old is most attentive and the 24 year old is just downright sweet. I would normally not even consider someone so young in a potentially romantic light, but after a week of chatting he screwed up the courage to ask me about it...

In all honesty, I met a 25 year old back in the fall and afterwards told myself, "Never again." It just felt so weird to me. Same deal with the 43 year old I also met back in the fall. They kind of pushed the limits of my comfort zone in terms of age range of romantic interests, and neither of them made a very positive impression on me (although in retrospect this was probably more due to a lack of chemistry and/or attraction than their respective ages. I'm sure I would have been more forgiving and willing to look past that if the maturity was there in the 25 year old or the attraction was there with the 43 year old) I've been more careful when deciding whether or not to meet guys close to those ages. Most times I've shied away, but there were a few 26 year olds I was willing to give a chance. Then again, when I first looked at online dating, I wasn't even going to consider 28 and 29 year olds. It was 30 and up and even 30 was pushing it.

I guess you could say I've reevaluated my concept of a comfortable and acceptable age range to date several times in the past year. However, at this point, more and more, I'm of the opinion that it depends on the person in question. I know, I know, it's a no-brainer. It's easy to generalize though, especially with the younger guys - and I really am more hesitant to meet them because of it - but the truth is, there are older guys who are still into the same things and behaving the same way. SO, while I don't plan on dating any 20 year olds anytime in the foreseeable future, I'm thinking 24 may not be that bad as long as the 24 year old in question is on the same page as I am. My mother met my stepfather when he was 25ish and she was in her early 30s and they have been together ever since. So, despite my skepticism, I know it is possible to connect with someone younger. Likewise, I have a friend who is 30 and with a 42 year old and happier than she's ever been...but that side of things in relation to myself weirds me out even more because that's just too close to my stepfather's age. So yeah, while I tend to avoid those situations, I'm not closing myself off to the possibility entirely...while my Mr. Right would ideally be between 26-36 at this point in the reevaluation process, I wouldn't want to overlook him due to self-imposed age restrictions. Which brings us back to the no-brainer...if someone intrigues me and I feel the potential for a good connection, I owe it to myself to explore it. Wouldn't you agree?

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