I'm going out tonight. I'm gonna let my hair down and shake my booty. I can't wait. It's long overdue :)
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Thursday Evening Update
I am currently back in town. It's so good to be in my own space again, even though I have no idea how long I'll be here or what the game plan is at this point. I've spent a very lazy day, absently and periodically picking away at the things I have to unpack (there are a lot of them). I figured I would take a few minutes to update the good ole blog, though, for a change of pace. So, here's a little of the good, the bad, and the ugly...I'm really not sure what falls into which category at this point, but I'm sure it all fits somehow.
On the work front:
I have been continuing to apply for positions for the fall. It is a slow and frustrating process, as I have to wait for everyone else and their dog to be placed before I get a look in, due to my relative newness in the work force back here on the island. It also acts as a bit of a stumbling block/hold up in regard to putting anything else into place for myself. But I have been looking at other short term and long term possibilities and trying to determine what might suffice as viable alternatives for the time being. We shall see what becomes of it all in due time I suppose. Sigh. I hate waiting.
On the personal life front:
Still no dating, and still fine with it. I got hit on a couple of times downtown the last time I went (I can sum up my thoughts on that fairly easily and concisely: ew) and I've been getting messages from a diverse batch of potential suitors online, ranging in age from 22 to 50 years old. Interesting. Yet not. Some of them I would never in a million years be interested in. Others seem nice...decent, smart, entertaining, whatever...but I'm still not really into it. I respond half-heartedly if at all. Which makes me wonder, again, why I ever bothered to open another account. I've been considering closing it since I opened it, to be honest. Boredom, I suppose. I did a double take at the 22 year old's picture, though...he sort of resembles The Cheating Bastard. Funny.
After a lot of soul searching and having The Labradorian on the brain recently (which is obviously evident from the last few posts), I took some time in the wee hours of the morning and composed a very rawly honest email to him. It was lengthy and it was difficult and scary to send. But my gut insisted on it.
His response, when it came, was brief but comforting. He simply acknowledged the difficulty of expressing one's emotions, said he respected me for expressing mine, claimed to agree with everything I said, and cast his vote for the option that we continue talking in a friendship capacity for now and hopefully one day have the opportunity to meet and answer some questions together. And that sounds good to me. I like the idea of having the lines of communication re-opened. It feels good to talk to him. I guess we'll see how that goes. I'll just take it for what it is and assume he was being honest and genuine as well.
In the meantime, there's always the chance that real life will intervene and put someone of interest in my path. Maybe. Eventually. Perhaps. I'm going out tomorrow night and I have a wedding to attend in a couple of weeks. Who knows...
On a totally different note:
I was reading over previous blog posts earlier. Weird how things take a different shape and tone sometimes when you look back on them. You remember the frame of mind you were in when they occurred, but it's no longer relevant in most cases. Things are perceived differently in hindsight. I guess that's how times does it's healing trick. The bleeding obvious, I know.
Oh, and I don't think I ever mentioned - the last 26 year old that I thought was a good guy? He actually sent me a late night text a few weeks ago. If that wasn't the tentative lead up to a booty call, I don't know what is. So it was alright to have my initial reaction to him validated (when I thought I overreacted and scared him off? Turns out my instincts were correct if that was any indication). Anyway, I didn't respond and I won't. I will not tolerate that kind of treatment...especially from someone I had already forgotten about. However, pat on the back for me: I recognized it, I reacted, and (despite a moment of doubt in the initial aftermath) I was later rewarded with further proof that the cloud of innocence and naivete through which I viewed the world for most of my life has dissipated more...I've definitely had my eyes opened and have learned, grown, developed confidence, matured, and gotten wiser and stronger...which I already knew, but nice to have another reminder nonetheless.
On the work front:
I have been continuing to apply for positions for the fall. It is a slow and frustrating process, as I have to wait for everyone else and their dog to be placed before I get a look in, due to my relative newness in the work force back here on the island. It also acts as a bit of a stumbling block/hold up in regard to putting anything else into place for myself. But I have been looking at other short term and long term possibilities and trying to determine what might suffice as viable alternatives for the time being. We shall see what becomes of it all in due time I suppose. Sigh. I hate waiting.
On the personal life front:
Still no dating, and still fine with it. I got hit on a couple of times downtown the last time I went (I can sum up my thoughts on that fairly easily and concisely: ew) and I've been getting messages from a diverse batch of potential suitors online, ranging in age from 22 to 50 years old. Interesting. Yet not. Some of them I would never in a million years be interested in. Others seem nice...decent, smart, entertaining, whatever...but I'm still not really into it. I respond half-heartedly if at all. Which makes me wonder, again, why I ever bothered to open another account. I've been considering closing it since I opened it, to be honest. Boredom, I suppose. I did a double take at the 22 year old's picture, though...he sort of resembles The Cheating Bastard. Funny.
After a lot of soul searching and having The Labradorian on the brain recently (which is obviously evident from the last few posts), I took some time in the wee hours of the morning and composed a very rawly honest email to him. It was lengthy and it was difficult and scary to send. But my gut insisted on it.
His response, when it came, was brief but comforting. He simply acknowledged the difficulty of expressing one's emotions, said he respected me for expressing mine, claimed to agree with everything I said, and cast his vote for the option that we continue talking in a friendship capacity for now and hopefully one day have the opportunity to meet and answer some questions together. And that sounds good to me. I like the idea of having the lines of communication re-opened. It feels good to talk to him. I guess we'll see how that goes. I'll just take it for what it is and assume he was being honest and genuine as well.
In the meantime, there's always the chance that real life will intervene and put someone of interest in my path. Maybe. Eventually. Perhaps. I'm going out tomorrow night and I have a wedding to attend in a couple of weeks. Who knows...
On a totally different note:
I was reading over previous blog posts earlier. Weird how things take a different shape and tone sometimes when you look back on them. You remember the frame of mind you were in when they occurred, but it's no longer relevant in most cases. Things are perceived differently in hindsight. I guess that's how times does it's healing trick. The bleeding obvious, I know.
Oh, and I don't think I ever mentioned - the last 26 year old that I thought was a good guy? He actually sent me a late night text a few weeks ago. If that wasn't the tentative lead up to a booty call, I don't know what is. So it was alright to have my initial reaction to him validated (when I thought I overreacted and scared him off? Turns out my instincts were correct if that was any indication). Anyway, I didn't respond and I won't. I will not tolerate that kind of treatment...especially from someone I had already forgotten about. However, pat on the back for me: I recognized it, I reacted, and (despite a moment of doubt in the initial aftermath) I was later rewarded with further proof that the cloud of innocence and naivete through which I viewed the world for most of my life has dissipated more...I've definitely had my eyes opened and have learned, grown, developed confidence, matured, and gotten wiser and stronger...which I already knew, but nice to have another reminder nonetheless.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Boredom=The Devil
When I get in this frame of mind, I am not to be trusted. I make stupid, snap decisions (which are not my forte at the best of times) and kick myself for them later. For instance, I contact people I shouldn't contact. I am stuck in central and wanting so badly to just go back to town...but my mother insists I stay tonight because there is a lot of water on the roads from the incessant rain that has me trapped in the house. I cannot find anything with which to occupy my mind. Nothing is holding my attention. Reading is not doing it, there's no one I want to visit (my options are limited to family that live close by for the moment), I'm not in the mood for TV and I'm so sick of the Internet today. I'm restless. Severely. Frustrated. And bored out of my freaking head. I hate feeling like this. I so wish I had some friends nearby...Sigh...anyway...deep breaths.....the storm is sure to pass eventually and hopefully I'll find the necessary control to refrain from scathing myself too badly...I am my own worst enemy right now...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Silly Girl
So...I was on the dating site last night for the first time in ages. I received a message from someone I wasn't interested in and, after I read it, was about to sign out...and that's when I saw him. The Labradorian's picture popped up on my screen and I threw caution to the wind and said hello. We chatted back and forth for about an hour. Just run of the mill chit chat. I carefully avoided any mention of what happened before...and I closed out by telling him if he ever makes it up here he can look me up. He said he'd like that and told me to keep in touch....and that's where I should have left it. Instead, I wrote back and told him the ball was in his court if he wanted to keep in contact, mentioned that I'd still like to read some of his writing (he'd told me previously that he was working on a novel and asked if I'd be interested in having a look), told him I might end up anywhere (including Labrador) come September as I've been applying for jobs all over the province, and wished him a good night. Complete with a smiley face. I could have bitten my fingers off at the knuckle for not leaving well enough alone. But it gets worse. Today, after opening that up fresh, I reread some of our earlier correspondence and wondered anew what had happened and where it had gone wrong...then I sent him a facebook friend request. I told myself at the time that it was harmless and it didn't count as contact, but then I obsessed about this all day. Mostly due to boredom and lack of anything else to occupy my mind, I'm sure (I've been roaming the house like a caged animal for most of the past 24 hours), but nonetheless it made me feel weak and pathetic...and perhaps a tad insane. I mean I'm calm and rational and not really expecting anything in the way of a further response, but I so want to hear from him at the same time. I'm sure I'm not the only female who has ever put herself in this position, and it's not anything serious, by far...just silly. And I thought I had outgrown that. In fact, I'm shaking my head at myself as I write. But I just felt like I had to try...and that's not something I ever do once I cut contact with someone. It's usually finito sans encore. Sigh. Back to playing the waiting game, I suppose...although, surprisingly, as I was writing this, my phone notified me that the friend request has been accepted. One less thing to wonder about. Ugh. Thank goodness I'm working again tomorrow and won't have time to think about anything other than the demands of the classroom!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Vancouver Riot
I have to say, I'm royally disgusted at the images I'm seeing on the tube and in other media today (see some National Post coverage here). I find it appalling that 'fans' would react in this manner. There are so many more important things that are being fought for in this world...but you are willing to put forth this much effort for no other reason than to cause senseless destruction after a hockey game and some booze????? It's worth trashing a city for no other reason than to trash it? I fail to see the rationale here. Unfortunately, this reflects not only on Vancouver and BC, but on the country as a whole in many eyes. I'm sure I'm not the only Canadian who is feeling angry, disappointed and embarrassed at being misrepresented to the world today. Thanks for that, brainless testosterone overdosed Neanderthals. Really.
However, it hasn't all been negative. There have apparently been a lot of citizens volunteering their time and energy to help clean up the city...and apologizing to all on behalf of the morons who are responsible for this disgracefulness. Would that it were not necessary to begin with, but at least it's somewhat of a positive counter to what went down after the game...
However, it hasn't all been negative. There have apparently been a lot of citizens volunteering their time and energy to help clean up the city...and apologizing to all on behalf of the morons who are responsible for this disgracefulness. Would that it were not necessary to begin with, but at least it's somewhat of a positive counter to what went down after the game...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Shadow of the Dog
I may have spoken too soon...the shadow of The Dog has been creeping around with me all day. When I awoke, it was with thoughts of The Labradorian once again. I reasoned with myself and talked myself into and out of calling him a dozen times. Then I reminded myself that it is not a good idea to make any decisions when I'm not feeling like myself...so that will keep me from acting on any impulses today.
After lunch, feelings of despair, frustration, irritation, and loneliness overtook me and I had a cry. A friend wisely recommended that I stop waiting for my life to begin again and instead go out there, grab it, and suck everything I can from it. Yes, wise words. They filled me with hope, determination, and a renewed sense of possibility. For about a split second. Then The Dog's shadow fell over me once more. It stayed with me throughout the afternoon, while I gave intermittent half-hearted attempts at fighting back and 'acting as if,' as a fellow blogger recently referred to it.
I found myself roaming restlessly and aimlessly through my mother's house, only to wind up back on the couch hugging a pillow and gazing out the window at the leaves dancing in the breeze under a sun I have longed for days to see and could not bring myself to enjoy as tears streamed down my face.
Every ounce of effort was needed to speak in response when spoken to at supper this evening. We went to my aunt's for a barbecue and I, not myself at all, but the empty, lifeless shell that remains when his black shadow overtakes me, did my best to stay out of everyone's way and appear as normal as I could manage. At first opportunity, I escaped back to my mother's empty house to be alone again.
I hope one day soon I figure out exactly how to go out and grab life again. To finally get from it what I want and fill myself to the brim.
After lunch, feelings of despair, frustration, irritation, and loneliness overtook me and I had a cry. A friend wisely recommended that I stop waiting for my life to begin again and instead go out there, grab it, and suck everything I can from it. Yes, wise words. They filled me with hope, determination, and a renewed sense of possibility. For about a split second. Then The Dog's shadow fell over me once more. It stayed with me throughout the afternoon, while I gave intermittent half-hearted attempts at fighting back and 'acting as if,' as a fellow blogger recently referred to it.
I found myself roaming restlessly and aimlessly through my mother's house, only to wind up back on the couch hugging a pillow and gazing out the window at the leaves dancing in the breeze under a sun I have longed for days to see and could not bring myself to enjoy as tears streamed down my face.
Every ounce of effort was needed to speak in response when spoken to at supper this evening. We went to my aunt's for a barbecue and I, not myself at all, but the empty, lifeless shell that remains when his black shadow overtakes me, did my best to stay out of everyone's way and appear as normal as I could manage. At first opportunity, I escaped back to my mother's empty house to be alone again.
I hope one day soon I figure out exactly how to go out and grab life again. To finally get from it what I want and fill myself to the brim.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)