Late Night Goings On

Note to self: hitting enter on facebook does not offer a break in text...it sends messages. Just like the one I unintentionally sent The Labradorian late last night/early this morning in an indignant fit of frustration. I had intended to compose the message, read it over, make any necessary adjustments, and ensure that I was saying what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. Instead, he got the message "Can I ask you something? Out of curiosity, are you treating me the way you normally treat your friends? Because somehow I don't think so." Sigh. Well I guess at least it's concise and to the point (if perhaps a little more abrupt than I usually am)...and really, if he can't figure out what I meant by that 'it's not much odds.' This is all a result of the fact that he said he wanted me to keep in touch...that he wanted to be friends (which is one of the options I put forth in that ridiculous, embarrassing, gut-wrenching email I sent him)...that he wanted to keep talking and be able to ask me how my day was...yet his responsiveness has been sporadic at best and insulting at worst. It's confusing. How can someone be so sweet and come off as such a great guy then act like a total ass (in the nicest way possible, of course...by being pleasant as punch but not following through on calling when they say they are going to, etc).

I'm looking at my words and I realize how silly they are. It's classic behaviour. I just have to beat it into my head that he's not who I thought he was and no matter what he says, his behaviour shows that he's just not into me on any level anymore and really has no interest in being friends and continuing to get to know each other. He's too wrapped up in the latest interest and the sometime responses to emails and the "I like it when you call"'s are purely designed to keep me on the back burner in case whatever he's involved in now doesn't work out. He seemed so innocent that way and he claimed to have "no game" when we started talking initially and I believed him, gullible fool that I am. Why do I always insist on viewing people in the best possible light until they disrespect me so much that I am forced to shift my perceptions? This is a bit of a recurring theme...I'm a smart girl - you'd think I'd have learned by now.

On another note, I was awake until 4am and then woke up again at 6 after having a horrible nightmare about my brother. I actually woke myself rocking back and forth in the bed in agony after a very convoluted dream that ended with me seeing him involuntarily driven away in our parents (now stolen) car by a couple of sketchy and dangerous characters, calling him after he'd been gone a while and I'd been left stranded somewhere I can't seem to remember and hearing his voicemail message stating that if the caller was hearing this, he or she should be very sad because they'd probably never hear his voice again. And the note in his voice was one I'd never heard before.

Of course, I realize it was just a dream and those aren't necessarily words my brother would ever use, but it was totally realistic and waking up alone after that was very hard. It was one of those nightmares that is so vivid it takes a while to figure out that it was just in your head and I was really scared and upset and needing someone to talk to to get my mind off it so I could attempt sleep again. The first person who came to mind? The Labradorian (partly because I knew he would be awake and partly because I still want to view him as sweet and comforting). Stupid, stupid girl. Thankfully, I squashed that notion by the time I was 3/4 alert and instead signed onto facebook to see if there was anyone on chat that would do. Lo and behold, The Old Flame was online. We hadn't been in contact since that night he got me safely home after being rather uncharacteristically intoxicated, but he was there for me and wanted to make sure I was alright.

During the course of our (relatively brief) conversation, I asked him what my best and worst points are in his opinion. His answer? Best: honesty. Worst: reading too much into things. I asked for an example. He couldn't give me one, but said there were a few times when he said something to the point to me and I made it so that it didn't mean what he had meant anymore. I asked if I had asked questions or made assumptions. He said both. I'm not really sure what to make of that. In any case, I thought that was rather ironic since I had been beating myself up earlier for being too trusting and taking people's words at face value too much. I voiced that thought. He replied, "Well you didn't with me." Interesting.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Why do guys say things they obviously don't mean? What is the point in trying to play the nice guy with words when the actions contradict those words at every turn? I don't get it. Isn't being honest and respectful with someone preferable to telling them what you think they want to hear only to have them believe you and end up feeling like a moron? Please explain the rationale behind that. It makes no sense to me. It really doesn't. All it does is make them look like bigger jerks than we ever would have thought they were otherwise. Amongst other examples that come readily to mind which other girl friends have experienced, there have now been two separate instances where a 'man' and I had mutually (or so I thought) agreed that we would be friends. I was totally OK with that. I thought they were nice guys and I would have liked to count them amongst my friends. However, both of those 'men' then proceeded to show me that that isn't actually what they wanted (either that or they have no idea what it means to be friends or how to be friends with a girl). SO WHY SAY IT WAS?!?!?!?!? It irritates me to no end. I'm a pretty friendly person and I've had girl friends and guy friends all my life. However, if I am not interested in being someone's friend, I don't say or do anything to make them think otherwise (and I don't mean that I am mean or disrespectful or rude...I just don't encourage them). I guess maybe that's just me. Anyway, let's hope I can now chalk that up to another lesson learned. But seriously - what idiots!!! It reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie ran into her exes best friend - an ex who had broken up with her on a Post It. The best friend basically said that men are afraid of women's reactions and Carrie explained that all women want is to be told (face to face in her case) in a way that is respectful and befitting of the relationship and what was between them and the man in question. Is that really too much to ask?!?! I think that episode should actually be required viewing for all members of the opposite sex. Maybe they'd learn something. Then again, probably not.

In other news, I've learned that The Cheating Bastard and his naive girlfriend are moving to Denmark together. I don't get that either. I basically threw him under the bus. Did she not believe me? Does she have no self-respect? Is she crazy? Who knows. I have a feeling she will be in for a rude awakening down the road...but for her sake I will hope that he has actually seen the light and decided to change his behaviour.

Living on the Fly

So midway through my last post (which I actually finished today) I was interrupted by a phone call from my brother's girlfriend. They were heading out to La Manche to go camping and wondered if I'd like to go with. My only alternative at the time was to stay home glued to the TV and computer, so I told them to drop by and give me a sec to get ready and I'd follow them out and stay for supper. Before I knew it, I had a bunch of gear packed (just in case) and was heading out the door. This is nothing short of amazing, as I really don't do spur of the moment well when preparation is needed. We stopped at a convenience store and a liquor store en route and I got other things (just in case). By the time we got there and got the tent set up, I was put on supper duty and my brother was shoving booze at me...that combined with the fog made the decision that I was going to have to stay and tough it out (I can be a bit of a princess at times). Anyway, the rain came down all night and we got soaked, but we did get lots of funny pics in my car during our intermittent escapes from the waterworks, and we did manage to make use of the fire pit to roast wieners and make s'mores. All in all, a good night. I did wimp out on the hike the next day, though...there is a limit to my ability to do things unprepared and the black flies were driving me insane while we were getting packed up to leave the campsite so I headed home to clean up and re-group.

Last night I went to watch the Canada Day fireworks with my three closest friends in town. We all arrived separately and in the nick of time, which made for stories in themselves. It was really good to be together and having a laugh. I'm so thankful to be able to do that. It was a little anti-climactic for me, though, as my worries got the better of me and I ended up leaving early to come home rather than become a party pooper.

Today I was up bright and early and getting geared up for a hike...which was initially cancelled but will now probably be happening in about a half an hour or so. Let's hope the sunshine is good to me...At the very least, it should help me put my anxiety about my current situation in check. Better to be doing something than dwelling on doing nothing.

I'm lucky to have friends and family who notice when I'm not me and rally to support me and bring me back to myself.

Post Party Mash Up

Friday night was epic. My girls and I did the Party Bus thing and spent the night downtown gettin our groove on. Many entertaining anecdotes followed the next day, of course, amongst ourselves, and it was infinitely amusing to re-hash the evening's events. However, we were also all duly reminded that gone are the days of partying from Thursday to Sunday...now it's party Thursday and recover til Sunday...or, you know...party Friday and recover til Wednesday...whatever.  The important thing is, it was a blast and it was much needed.

In other news, the 'friendship' with the Labradorian boggles me. I won't even go there right now. Suffice it to say that we may have different ideas of what it means to be friends and how one's friends should be treated.

I re-connected with an old friend in BC the other night...that was really nice. We hadn't spoken in about a year, give or take. Lots to catch up on, for sure. Interestingly enough, she has decided to take on the administration of the school we taught at together. Apparently they have hired 3 new teachers for the upcoming year and haven't heard anything in a while from one of them...she said if they don't hear from this person, I may be getting a phone call. In all honesty, up until very recently if someone had asked me if I would go back to the place I started my teaching career, the answer would have been an emphatic and resounding 'no.' However, being that I need steady income to get back on my feet and have more experience under my belt now - and that I'm single and free of the thoughts, feelings and opinions of the  significant other who went with me last time and (I now realize) colored my own thinking quite a bit - I may be willing to give it a re-do and see where it takes me. Of course, the likelihood that that would actually come to pass is still slim.

Party Time!!!

I'm going out tonight. I'm gonna let my hair down and shake my booty. I can't wait. It's long overdue :)

Thursday Evening Update

I am currently back in town. It's so good to be in my own space again, even though I have no idea how long I'll be here or what the game plan is at this point. I've spent a very lazy day, absently and periodically picking away at the things I have to unpack (there are a lot of them). I figured I would take a few minutes to update the good ole blog, though, for a change of pace. So, here's a little of the good, the bad, and the ugly...I'm really not sure what falls into which category at this point, but I'm sure it all fits somehow.

On the work front:

I have been continuing to apply for positions for the fall. It is a slow and frustrating process, as I have to wait for everyone else and their dog to be placed before I get a look in, due to my relative newness in the work force back here on the island. It also acts as a bit of a stumbling block/hold up in regard to putting anything else into place for myself. But I have been looking at other short term and long term possibilities and trying to determine what might suffice as viable alternatives for the time being. We shall see what becomes of it all in due time I suppose. Sigh. I hate waiting.

On the personal life front:

Still no dating, and still fine with it. I got hit on a couple of times downtown the last time I went (I can sum up my thoughts on that fairly easily and concisely: ew) and I've been getting messages from a diverse batch of potential suitors online, ranging in age from 22 to 50 years old. Interesting. Yet not. Some of them I would never in a million years be interested in. Others seem nice...decent, smart, entertaining, whatever...but I'm still not really into it. I respond half-heartedly if at all. Which makes me wonder, again, why I ever bothered to open another account. I've been considering closing it since I opened it, to be honest. Boredom, I suppose. I did a double take at the 22 year old's picture, though...he sort of resembles The Cheating Bastard. Funny.

After a lot of soul searching and having The Labradorian on the brain recently (which is obviously evident from the last few posts), I took some time in the wee hours of the morning and composed a very rawly honest email to him. It was lengthy and it was difficult and scary to send. But my gut insisted on it.

His response, when it came, was brief but comforting. He simply acknowledged the difficulty of expressing one's emotions, said he respected me for expressing mine, claimed to agree with everything I said, and cast his vote for the option that we continue talking in a friendship capacity for now and hopefully one day have the opportunity to meet and answer some questions together. And that sounds good to me. I like the idea of having the lines of communication re-opened. It feels good to talk to him. I guess we'll see how that goes. I'll just take it for what it is and assume he was being honest and genuine as well.

In the meantime, there's always the chance that real life will intervene and put someone of interest in my path. Maybe. Eventually. Perhaps. I'm going out tomorrow night and I have a wedding to attend in a couple of weeks. Who knows...

On a totally different note:

I was reading over previous blog posts earlier. Weird how things take a different shape and tone sometimes when you look back on them. You remember the frame of mind you were in when they occurred, but it's no longer relevant in most cases. Things are perceived differently in hindsight. I guess that's how times does it's healing trick. The bleeding obvious, I know.

Oh, and I don't think I ever mentioned - the last 26 year old that I thought was a good guy? He actually sent me a late night text a few weeks ago. If that wasn't the tentative lead up to a booty call, I don't know what is. So it was alright to have my initial reaction to him validated (when I thought I overreacted and scared him off? Turns out my instincts were correct if that was any indication). Anyway, I didn't respond and I won't. I will not tolerate that kind of treatment...especially from someone I had already forgotten about. However, pat on the back for me: I recognized it, I reacted, and (despite a moment of doubt in the initial aftermath) I was later rewarded with further proof that the cloud of innocence and naivete through which I viewed the world for most of my life has dissipated more...I've definitely had my eyes opened and have learned, grown, developed confidence, matured, and gotten wiser and stronger...which I already knew, but nice to have another reminder nonetheless.

Boredom=The Devil

When I get in this frame of mind, I am not to be trusted. I make stupid, snap decisions (which are not my forte at the best of times) and kick myself for them later. For instance, I contact people I shouldn't contact. I am stuck in central and wanting so badly to just go back to town...but my mother insists I stay tonight because there is a lot of water on the roads from the incessant rain that has me trapped in the house. I cannot find anything with which to occupy my mind. Nothing is holding my attention. Reading is not doing it, there's no one I want to visit (my options are limited to family that live close by for the moment), I'm not in the mood for TV and I'm so sick of the Internet today. I'm restless. Severely. Frustrated. And bored out of my freaking head. I hate feeling like this. I so wish I had some friends nearby...Sigh...anyway...deep breaths.....the storm is sure to pass eventually and hopefully I'll find the necessary control to refrain from scathing myself too badly...I am my own worst enemy right now...