Down Time

Since the last post, I have finished a show, celebrated a birthday, and introduced the (still) new boyfriend to the parents, the brother, and a couple of other friends/family members. All is well, first introductions and impressions seem to have been positive, and I am happy. Boyfriend and I have had 2 instances of misunderstandings that needed to be talked through (which went well), but other than that it's all good. In fact, a couple of nights ago we had a rather serious talk that included (GASP!) mention of the possibility of future marriage and kids if all continues on the right track. I am astounded that I can have these conversations with a man I have known all of 5 1/2 weeks and feel perfectly comfortable and natural with no inclination to run for the hills but, rather, a sense of security, matter-of-factness, and excitement. It just feels...right.

I am currently out of commission with simultaneous bronchial and sinus infections post-craziness exhaustion phase, but with one thing off my plate (the show I recently finished doing) there are still lots of others that require attention. I am still in rehearsals for a second show and a choir performance and crossing my fingers that work will pick up again soon. At the moment there's a lull, of which I am not a fan. However, I am trying to take advantage of my forced stay-at-home period to rest up, recuperate, and maybe take care of a few things here that have been being neglected in the juggling act as of late.

Boyfriend and I will be having post-birthday birthday celebrations on the 12th, as there wasn't sufficient time to fit them in beforehand. He has the evening planned and I await my surprise(s). I am trying not to have any expectations, so as to avoid the habitual disappointment I've grown so accustomed to in relationships up til now, but a part of me really hopes he knocks my socks off. I suppose we shall see, soon enough!

Awed

I have to admit I'm still a little in shock each time a day goes by and Unofficial Official Boyfriend (we've kicked it up a notch haha) doesn't do or say anything wrong. It's kind of unheard of in my experience. But it's great. He's great. We're great. Sickening, isn't it? I think he is going to meet the first of my friends this weekend. How exciting! We all know our girlfriends scrutinize the men in our lives and give us the scoop on what they perceive. I can't wait to see what this rather opinionated friend has to say. Mostly because I'm pretty sure there's no way it can be anything bad :) Oh, and I have been booked for work on Monday. Yippee!! :-) And now I must go pull my head out of the clouds and be productive for at least a couple of hours...I've been in LaLa Land all day...

So Far, So Good

Unofficial Boyfriend has yet to do or say anything wrong. I am calm and grounded and happier than I can remember being in a very long time in a romantic sense. Probably the last time I was close to this happy was last summer with the friend of a friend who went back to his girlfriend. But then I felt all crazy and infatuated and this time I just feel...sure. We exchanged I love yous last night...which kind of freaks me out a tiny bit when I think of the time frame involved here, but which felt so natural and so right that I don't even question it.

In regard to the pet situation (which is the only thing that gives each of us pause, really), he has decided to find the cats a new home (his idea, not mine, and not only because of me but also because he feels that they tend to stick to the basement because they dislike Big Black a little and he wants them to have a better quality of life) and I have decided that I am really going to work on befriending the dog.

I cannot wait for him to meet those others near and dear to me. This could definitely be it.

The Other Black Dog

So...Unofficial Boyfriend? He has a dog. And some cats. The dog is massive and black and I am not comfortable with him. This makes me sad. I am not a pet person. I was not raised with pets, nor have I had any of my own, save some fish for a year or so in British Columbia. It's not that I don't like animals...I am just not used to them and they make me nervous - sometimes to the point of being scared.  big black barks (though not often) and my heart jumps out of my chest at the thunderous sound; he playfully nips at me and I envision losing digits in those powerful jaws; he gets in my space or stares at me and I freeze and panic...and it's not like he is baring his teeth and growling at me or anything...I just fear that he will pounce at some point, and I am sure he senses my unease and this makes things worse between us. Unofficial Boyfriend has been very good about putting himself between big black and me when he senses my discomfort and telling the dog "no" and "off" and "down" when necessary. He has talked to me about big black's friendly manner and about how he's not going to hurt me. He has told me to give big black commands when I don't like something. But I don't trust big black and I am self-conscious about interacting with him in front of Unofficial Boyfriend because I feel inadequate in that way...even though I'm pretty sure big black is mostly just curious about this new person who has shown up in his space a couple of times, monopolizing his master's attention.

However, I don't think the situation is hopeless. My brother has a dog and I love her. In fact, I bring her for walks, I've slept with her on the bed beside me, and I even dog sat for ten days last summer. Half the time when I visit my brother's it's to see his dog! But we met when she was a puppy and she's an extremely mild mannered Shih Tzu, so she's not ever going to be huge and intimidating. I'm not a fan of fur and some other things that come with having pets, but I'm sure I could deal with that if black beast and I could become friends. I actually spent part of my night last night Googling episodes of The Dog Whisperer, trying to figure out how I am going to overcome this. How I am going to be able to walk into Unofficial Boyfriend's house without the fear of being somehow attacked, or be alone in a room with big black someday and be perfectly OK without the protection of Unofficial Boyfriend...how I am going to be able to hear his different snorts and moans and play growls without thinking he is plotting how best to get rid of me.

The cats are another matter entirely...I'm not even ready to go there. I haven't met them yet, nor do I really wish to. I tolerate my friends' cats and would never wish them any harm, but I cannot say I have any particular kind of affection for them or enjoy their company overmuch. They can be entertaining to watch, I suppose, but that is about the extent of it. I am allergic as well. This could pose problems. Yet, having said that, the pet situation is the only thing that Unofficial Boyfriend and I are concerned about and we are so far open to working on it together somehow.

Unofficial Boyfriend (revised)

The conversation went something like this: 

UB: "So...is it official yet?" 

Me: "What?"

UB: "Ummm, nevermind."

Me: "You can't say nevermind after that question"

UB: " There's a better time to ask. I'll ask you later, if it even needs asking."

Later...

Me: "So what was it you wanted to ask me?"

UB: "Oh, I was kinda hoping you would have forgotten that."

Me: "Nope."

UB: "Well...basically what I was trying to get at was...well, I just figured that...if we're going to be seeing each other...and if we're going to be getting romantic...then....well...I just wondered if...."

Me: "Yes....?"

UB: "Well...I was wondering...I mean...what are we?"
Me: "What do you want us to be?"
UB: "Well....you know...I was wondering...if we could maybe be...you know...boyfriend and girlfriend?"

Me: Grin

UB: "It's ok. You don't have to answer or say anything. I know it's really soon and we said we weren't going to rush. I just wondered is all. We can take our time."

Me: "How about we make it UNofficial for now?"

UB: "Well I'd say that's a step in the right direction."

Me: "But we are agreed it's exclusive?"

UB: "Oh yeah - definitely."

Me: Grin. Giggle. 

UB: "What? What's so funny?"

Me: Giggle. "You asked if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend."

Pause

Me: "Why do you keep looking at me?"

UB: "You're making happy sounds. I guess I just want to be a part of it. But to be honest, I'm pretty happy myself right now." 

Me: Even goofier grin. 

Cross your fingers for me, folks!

On the Sidelines

So...reality still bites since being smacked in the face with it, and I have been battling the Black Dog. I am fighting to hang in there in the hopes that when work resumes my outlook will improve...although I realized that what I thought upon first glance was amazing news turned out to be only mediocre in terms of prospects for the upcoming year, and I will still have to push to get what I need to make a bigger difference. Rehearsals are the only thing currently keeping me afloat....that and the little pats on the back I am able to give myself each day I get up and make my bed before noon and manage to eat sensibly and get some exercise in. Of course, then there are the days when I hide from my life under the covers and wish with all my heart that when I open my eyes I will have fantasized my world into being how I want it to be. No such luck so far. I do, however, remain mostly cigarette free, minus a couple of socials I've had with smoker friends when I felt about to break.

As expected, nothing has really panned out in terms of the love interests. The French guy is a great conversationalist and was fun to meet but has since flown The Rock to return home, the engineer is a truly amazing guy but I just don't feel it (which makes me sad) and have learned from experience that I cannot create spark where there is none, and the teacher and I are still chit chatting, but more infrequently. The engineering technician now seems all words and no follow through (I think it's now time to write him off), the blond and the British Columbian seem to have disappeared, and the young software guy pops up from time to time but we have still yet to meet. There are others thrown into the mix as well, but I honestly wonder why I continue to bother.

I think part of my problem is the knowledge that summer is coming to an end (which is good and bad). And that I am still in the same situation I've been in, more or less, for the past two years. It's also the fact that social media duly informs me daily that one by one my friends, family, and acquaintances are all falling in love, getting engaged or married, having babies, receiving promotions, buying new houses or vehicles...and, much as this makes me happy for them, it makes me go under in self pity mode as I wonder how much longer I will have to wait and watch until it is my turn. My life feels flat...empty...meaningless. My surroundings currently hold no charm, and my world feels dim. Truly, we really don't get enough sunshine here.

I'm Baaaack!!!

It has been a wild and busy couple of months with a lot going on and a tad bit of flying by the seat of my pants.

I guess this all began in May...there was the play, the trip to NYC, the choir performance and work, which had picked up...not too out of the ordinary, but exciting pour moi. At some point I met a chef who wined and dined me for a few days before heading home (out of the province)...he was great but I determined that he wasn't for me, much to his disappointment.

Following that, I landed a small role in a play for this summer - which I subsequently had to relinquish due to a last minute "go" on Quebec, where I spent 5 glorious weeks full of action, adventure, and learning. It was incredible.

I have since returned and am coming to grips with my re-introduction to reality. The first little while was brutal, but it ain't all bad: rehearsals for a new play are in full swing with a second on the horizon (both of which I auditioned for before my sojourn in La Belle Province), I got some good news which should increase the amount of work I get this year, I'm re-starting (for the millionth time) my attempts to get back into shape, I've been mostly cigarette free since July 2nd, and there are no less than 7 newbies on the radar. That's a lot, I know, but I swear I only initiated contact with one. It's all in the beginning "getting to know you" stages anyway, so I'm sure most of them will just fizzle and fade. I'm just trying to relax, go with the flow, and see what leads where.

The radar blips are as follows:

The engineering technician I met before going away (he is now on vacation but we plan to get together when he gets back). I like him so far and I really look forward to seeing him again. He's in my comfort zone age wise and seems like a solid guy.

The teacher from Ontario I met in Quebec - he's a few years younger than me, but very cute, funny, and incredibly sweet...I'm not entirely sure if he likes me that way or not, but we've been in contact since going our separate ways and I am definitely crushing on him.

The engineer I met when I came back, who is also cute, sweet and younger. He seems very spirited and eager to please and he has a killer smile. He's asked me out again and I think I'm gonna take him up on it.

Then there are those I have yet to meet:

The blond who's about my age - he seems pretty normal and kinda fun. He's asked me out but I haven't given a definite response yet.

The software engineer - again, young, cute, and seemingly sensible, and claiming to be very interested in me.

The older French guy who is currently vacationing in NL and wants to get together. My impressions of him are still kind of vague.

The British Columbian living in England...I'm not sure of my take on him yet, either.

So that's it, in a nutshell! I shall try to be better about posting regularly but with my current schedule it may be a little more difficult. Hope all is well in your world! :)

Last Night

I went out with some cast mates last night. We had a couple of drinks. I let my theatre crush be known. We kissed. We talked. I don't think he is the person I thought he might be. Just another disappointing discovery. But it's OK. At least it only took me a couple of hours to figure out this time. Besides, work has picked up over the last few weeks, and NYC looms on the horizon, followed by a choir performance, and a summer that may either be spent partially in Quebec or acting locally. Life is good.

Done with Dates

So...I met a couple of new guys recently. I went for coffee with one and for drinks with the other. The first one seemed rather dull, but he was a gentleman. The latter barely let me get a word in and then tried pushing the boundaries a little at the end of the night. I decided to give the dull one a second chance, since people sometimes are not themselves the first time getting together. The latter, I decided, was not worth my time. So tonight I was supposed to go to supper with the first guy. Long story short, there was one thing after another (all of which sounded legitimate) and I ended up sitting at the restaurant, like an idiot, alone. I ordered an appetizer and a glass of wine to give him some time to deal with his miniature catastrophe, and when I didn't hear back from him I texted to tell him I was leaving...at this point I had been sitting there alone for about an hour. I ordered food to go and came home. He texted and apologized and asked me to get together and do something else tonight. I declined. He asked if rescheduling was an option. I said I'd let him know. Honestly, I am more disappointed that I put time into getting ready and going down there and waiting and spending money on a meal when I could've stayed home than I am about missing the date. And it made me wonder if I should just write off dating altogether. I do still have that theatre crush though...the one I cannot read at all...

A Life Worth Living

I am a big believer in the littlest things sometimes having the biggest impact. Case in point: I went to an audition today. I was feeling kinda blah and had trouble finding the place. I was also nervous and unsure of myself. I'm still kinda new at all this, ya know...Anyway, the lady who took my picture before I went into the room to do my thing did the simplest thing and had the hugest impact on my state of mind: she complimented me. I asked her if she would like me to smile or not...she said it was up to me. I pasted one on, hoping maybe it might lighten my mood. She said it was a lovely smile. It became a genuine smile. And she responded, "Wow. That's even more lovely. You get lovelier and lovelier, the longer you stand there." Thank you, picture-taking lady. You made my day :-)

After my audition, the director said that my reading had felt honest; that she had gotten the sense that we were at Tim Horton's having a chat and I was telling her about some asshole who had screwed me over... I hope that is a good thing!

Quickie

In a nutshell:

Smoking cessation has become a process more so than a single event. I'm still battling the occasional slip up, but I'm getting there.

Weight loss came to a standstill, but I am seeing positive changes in my body. I am continuing to be active and I am loving it.

Rehearsals are clipping along in theatre and choir and I am a busy, busy bee. I am working with a fantastic set of individuals in both groups and my theatre crush makes things interesting as well. I am loving it! Work has picked up as well and I could not be happier about that. Apparently I have been making good impressions professionally and they are being noticed.

I can't believe it is almost time to go to NYC. I haven't done anything to prepare yet except book my flight. It may be time to start. Exciting!!

One of the former key players in my life has been MIA for a while now. It's an adjustment. I'm not quite sure what to make of it or how I feel about it sometimes. I'm also not sure if the absence is permanent or whether there will just be a change in our roles in future.

I have been getting out more and doing more diverse things socially and meeting new people. It is so refreshing. Again, I am loving it.

I met the first new guy in months tonight. We chatted for a few hours. He seems alright. I don't know if I'll see him again and I don't really care either way at this point. I am supposed to be meeting another new guy tomorrow night. I'm a little more excited about that. We shall see how it goes.

Something Missing

Try as I might, I can't seem to stay fully in the light. I haven't had a call for work since last Sunday...that's over two weeks. Doubts are creeping in. It's hard to stay positive in the face of no work. Which makes me think it may be time to start thinking and evaluating options again. The scale finally moved. I am down 0.6 today. Ironic, since I binged on Moo Moo's and buttered light rye last night when the rehearsal I'd been looking forward to since last week was cancelled unexpectedly and I was bummed out. I guess we all have ups and downs and this is one of my downs...but maybe it is up to me how far down I allow myself to go. I'm aiming for not far. I much prefer the feeling of being lit up from within. I just need to find it again and hang on for dear life.

In the meantime, is it too much to ask for a visit from the work fairy and the love fairy? That would be ideal! Much as I have been working on myself and my life, I feel like I'm still waiting on both of those to arrive. I try not to focus on it (and for a while I didn't even think about it), but it's still there. What do I need to do to fill those voids completely? Maybe I'm missing my friend or the last guy I was dating (who also started out as a friend and who I sometimes wish had stayed that way)...or maybe I'm just experiencing a lack of Vitamin D. Who the hell knows...Let's just hope it gets better again quickly, shall we?

Bounce

So right on the heels of that last post, I can already feel myself lifting after allowing myself to vent and reading and commenting on this post by a fellow blogger. I don't want to be a cnáimhseálai. And just like that, after a few days of wallowing, I am able to let it go and continue onwards and upwards in a positive, thankful mindset. Everything is going to be OK :)

Bumps and Hurdles

I awoke tense and panicky. The dream had been so realistic. I was called to the stage suddenly and without warning whilst watching a rehearsal in a sizable theatre space. My mind was blank. I didn't know my lines. I was mortified and apologized profusely. It may be time to study them in real life! (In related news, I keep dreaming about one of the guys I was in Godspell with a couple of years ago and who directed the first play I was in. I'm not sure what that is about. It's not in a romantic or sexual way or anything, but still...odd that he should make such frequent appearances in my nocturnal meanderings...)

I have been working my butt off and the scale has not moved in over 2 weeks. That is very frustrating. It won't stop me from being active, because that's been making me feel a lot better in any event...but it does sort of zap the motivation to keep monitoring what I am eating...

Work has slowed and I have been battling worry, hoping for the phone to start ringing again. I missed out on two days last week due to a specialist appointment that I had been waiting a year and a half to go to...which turned out to be just the start of another waiting game. 

Five cigarettes were smoked over the past weekend. That is NOT good. It's the most lax I have been in my process since starting it back in January. I noticed that the fear of craving had crept back in by last night. I must be stronger and resolve not to do that anymore. One is one too many and one more is never enough. 

Clearly, I have hit a lull. However, it is up to me how long I allow it to stay. And I vote that it packs its bags and hits the highway by sundown.

Briefly, in other news: I have a bunch of songs that also need learning, I have been casually chatting with 3-4 guys from the dating site (but viewing and approaching it much differently than before) who seem to be better potential fits for me than the majority of men I have interacted with from there in the past, and my real life crushes seem to be going nowhere for the time being (although one of them seems to stick in my head a lot more than anyone else). Finally, I need to find a way to improve the health of my sleep schedule. (Oh, and the old friendship mending is still going well, the newest friendship upheaval seems to be levelling out, and I got to spend some quality time with my brother this weekend, which was awesome :)).

Two Things

1. I think I may be finally ready to love again and I kinda miss being in love. I actually found myself feeling envious over pictures of a teenage romance posted on facebook yesterday...she looks stunningly beautiful and blissfully happy and he looks like he adores her more than anyone or anything he has ever encountered. He also made some of the cutest, warmest, most genuine comments ever underneath those pictures. It's so sweet. I hope it works out for them.

2. Probably one of the biggest and best, most freeing lessons I learned over the past year, summed up in a Jason Mraz song:

Poison

Toxicity does not even begin to describe it. Resentment has settled in. Another perfectly good day...no, wait...a downright wonderful day! A day in which I made an impact on a group of young people, resolved anew to always be myself and be true to myself, received a multitude of compliments, and got to have fun with new connections. Soured. How does one deal with the fallout after continuous cycles of episodes that all start and end the same way...with you. I had hoped not to have to make a black or white kind of decision, but more and more I feel I may be forced in that direction. And this time, I will choose me. In the meantime, I am up much later than I had wanted or intended and struggling to regain the sense of calm, happy contentment; indeed - utter bliss! - that carried me through the day and into the evening before it was worn down and tired out and finally stomped on before it could come to rest and be rejuvenated for the morrow. I am sure I will forgive you quickly, as I most often do. But the damage has also been done.

Ball of Sunshine

Warm fuzzies are radiating from my every pore. I am very thankful and very cognizant of the fact that I am an extremely lucky girl. I have a wonderful family and some pretty amazing friends. Add to that that I got a call for work tomorrow, spent lots of time with some of my favourite people this weekend, journalled for the first time in ages today, and have taken the time to really acknowledge and rediscover my passion for acting and love of singing and you can begin to see why I would be so suffused with calm happiness and contented gratitude tonight. My soul is delighted and I just want to spread the sunshine to every corner I can reach. It may, perhaps, sound nauseatingly sweet and over-the-top optimistic, but I swear it is genuine and it is true. Such a great feeling to be so full of love and light and positivity! I MUST be on the right path!

On a couple of unrelated (hmm or maybe somehow connected?) notes, I am starting to get excited about my upcoming trip to New York, and I think I may be developing a bit of a crush.

The Balance

3 weeks. That is how long it has been since my last post; since I have written anything other than lists, texts, and the odd email. Too long. My world was exploding with activity and it has now come to a momentary standstill. I was calm...happy...invigorated. That is now interspersed with anxiety, confusion, and doubt. Anyway, here's the rundown of updates:

Smoking - it's been over a month with the odd slip here and there...which means a cig or two once a week or two when I am in the company of smokers. I'm not going to beat myself up too much because it is a process and I have made progress from smoking regularly. However, I am still not proud of it and looking forward to being stronger in the near future.

Weight loss - back on the wagon and making an effort to drink more water, make better food choices, and get more exercise. I have been going to various classes (from kick boxing to hot yoga) with a couple of different friends, as well as walking, doing in home workouts and working out with my brother from time to time...whatever I can fit in and whenever I can fit it in with a goal of at least 4 sessions a week. So far, I am down 1.5 lbs. Myfitnesspal has been helping. I downloaded the iPhone app and added a friend who has also been using it. (Side note: I am shocked at how much sugar I actually consume!! :s ).

Work - meh. Up and down. Hard to say. I've gotten calls from 4 different schools so far since the holidays and been to 3 of them. Calls are not regular or consistent and I'm currently in what feels like a slump period. I am hoping it picks back up soon (although I've been pretty sick for the past week or so, so it's probably best I haven't gotten a call in the past few days so that I have a chance to recuperate). I am also in the midst of trying to figure out a path of professional growth to pursue.

Dating - nonexistent. I decided the guy I was dating was not the right one for me and ended it. We still talk and I am glad of that. I still have contact with the guy who wanted back into my life as well, but I haven't been really entertaining the idea of giving him another chance. And the guy who was in NS contacted me to let me know he will be moving back here in the spring. For now, I am content to just be solo and concentrate on me.

Friendships - currently mending fences with the friend I let go last year. We are both in different places now and it seems to be flowing more smoothly so far. However, it's still early in the game. I have also reconnected with a few friends who, sadly, got back burnered due to life in general. And I am having difficulty dealing with the friendship I referred to in this post recently. It is that which is causing me anxiety right now. I had my eyes opened in a big way through a series of events and realized that this was not a healthy relationship for me to be in...and it is a complicated situation. Now I am trying to figure out how to move forward and change the relationship...but it is not easy after over a decade of established habits and routines. Only time will tell what will happen, but I really don't want to go back to the way things were. I can't.

Theatre and choir - the dual loves of my life. I haven't had/been to as many rehearsals in the past couple of weeks and I miss them dearly when they are not there/I am too sick to attend. They keep me busy, they make me happy, they allow me to escape, and they are food to my soul.

Other than that, my family continues to be loving and supportive, and the remainder of my friends continue to be a source of comfort and joy and I treasure each of them for who they are and what they bring to my life. And I am trying to take more control of my finances again and also want to find more time to write and keep on top of taking care of myself and my apartment. Time management was never my strong suit...it seems like something always gets sacrificed and falls behind...

Yes, I have come leaps and bounds in this new year...now...how do I keep it up and make it all balance?

V-Day

I survived it. Barely. I was fine until about 7:30 and then I started to crack. I was almost in tears as I drove across town after going out to supper with my parents, my brother, his girlfriend, and her brother (which I was thankful for as it saved me from eating alone...although my backup plan was to tag along with a girl friend and her co-workers). I kept busy all day (most of which I spent with my parents) and tried to ignore the fact that I am a single girl on one of the most hellish days of the year for single girls. What hit me was that the guy I was seeing last winter who wants to come back into my life (and who I told I am sort of seeing someone but that we can be friends) texted me to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day and asked if I had plans. The guy I am sort of seeing....did not. I told myself it didn't matter. This is just another day. It's lost all meaning for me, anyway, just as Christmas and New Year's and practically everything else has. On the way home, my brain waged war on itself. I reflected on how silly it is that we nominate one day a year to celebrate different things and how it's just a societal thing that creates these pressures and expectations. That they make people run around like mindless robots buying things because they are so commercialized (when did I stop being one of those people? When did I stop caring about all these holidays and occasions? I used to relish each and every one of them...).

But it sort of does matter. Because I felt it. And it bothers me. I kept it together, though. I ran errands and worked out and talked to a couple of girl friends. I didn't take the guy who wants into my life up on his request to get together when he was done hanging out with his buddy because I didn't know if that was a good idea or not, feeling vulnerable. Now I am home. Alone. Disappointed. And lonely. I unhid my profile on the dating site tonight on impulse. It's been private for a while now because I was tired of getting messages and not really responding to them...or advising my would-be pursuers that I was not currently up for meeting anyone new. Ironically enough, one of the first profiles I saw I am pretty sure is a new one belonging to the aforementioned Cheating Bastard (he was on the scene last winter/spring). His face is not clearly visible, but the stats and description match him to a T and I am 99% sure that I recognize his physique and what I can see of his face in shadow.

Anyway, it's a good thing I have so many things coming up to keep me busy and occupied. Choir tomorrow night and possible coffee with the guy who asked me to go out tonight afterwards, and theatre Thursday night...which will bring me to the weekend. Sigh. The weekend. Always the hardest in terms of smoking. It's Day 23 right now and only one slip back on Day 5ish. I can tell you one thing though...with all the upheaval of the past week and then today's upset, I have certainly tested my ability to fight caving in. I drowned my sorrows temporarily in a HUGE ice cream cone at Costco tonight (the frozen colada I had with supper had run it's course as a void-filler at that point) to avoid buying a pack and lighting up after watching everyone filing through the checkouts with Valentine's goodies in hand (I am thankful that my mother still gets us a little something for each occasion. It sort of helped today). The reliance on food has to stop too, though, because my clothes are getting more than a tad uncomfortable and my wardrobe is shrinking. Which is why I asked my brother's girlfriend to check into some classes we can try together at the gym. Yep, busy will be my new armour. And it will be good for me, too.

Absent

Where are you when I talk to you and my words bounce off your ears? Why can you not be present? The number of times I am asked to repeat myself is almost insulting...except that I know you are not you. And then you claim to not know the things I have already told you. It is so difficult to choke back the frustration and disappointment. I love you dearly, my friend, but I very rarely get to see you these days. Your self-imposed isolation has become more literal than metaphorical and has no explanation...or one that makes so little sense I am not sure what to make of it. I don't know how to reach you or what to expect when I finally do...will it be anger I find? Sadness? Loneliness? Or am I expected to pretend, yet again, that everything is normal? When did this anomaly become acceptable in my world? I long to remove these kid gloves and walk on something more substantial than eggshells. I'm so weary of having the same conversation and making/accepting excuses on your behalf. I can no longer cope in this role. Where are you?

Score!

The play I auditioned for? I got offered the lead female role. The choir audition I went to tonight? Success. Very much. And I am now their newest member. I also worked yesterday and today. Yep, all in all it's good to be me right now. So much so that I can grin and bear the burning discomfort I am experiencing right now due to an allergic reaction to a new facial moisturizer I decided to try (which had rave reviews online...but apparently not everyone needs to live in a bubble like me).

Good Vibes

It started off on the wrong foot, this day. Yet I managed to wrestle it back to the light. I woke at 7:30 and stayed awake til 9, waiting for the phone to ring. With each minute that passed I sunk further into depression, until I finally said the hell with it and buried myself under the covers and slept til 11ish. At that point, I forced myself to unwind from my self-made cocoon and set about trying to drum up some work. Then Karma stepped in. 

I checked facebook and a note appeared on my wall before my eyes. It was from my mother, and directed me to a place to try bringing my resume. So I did. And attempted to go to another place as well...I got lost, and when I finally made it there it was to be told there was a meeting in progress. I waited 45 minutes and my patience was rewarded. I got to meet face to face with a lady who said she normally doesn't do that...but when she was told how long I had been there she thought it was the least she could do. I should probably mention that en route to my second stop, I also received a call for an interview that I was not expecting...in fact, I had enquired about this interview and was told I was not eligible to be interviewed until next year. Yet the lady who called me said she was given my name and number and that if I was interested I could come in on the 27th. I, of course, accepted...confused as I was. 

Later this evening, I decided to go to an audition. I was kind of nervous and wasn't really sure what to expect. I walked in, filled out my information sheet, and grabbed the 5 sides for female characters laying on the table outside the audition room. With papers in hand, I took my turn and started doing the cold reads. I was told after completing the first 2 that I could stop. They did not need to hear any more. I was a little uncertain, but then I started to pay attention: their reactions were incredible - they loved me! I was thrilled with their applause and their assurances that I would definitely be hearing from them. In fact, I called my mother the second I was outside the building, shaking with excitement. I cannot believe I may FINALLY have a chance to get back on stage. My heart sang and my cheeks hurt from the perma-grin on my face. 

To top it all off, I also got a response from a local choir I had been trying to get in contact with for a while now and the director is interested in meeting me and having me sing for her. Thank you, Universe. Thank you, thank you, thank you. My soul has been needing this so much. 

Needless to say, when the cashier at the gas station asked if I needed a lotto ticket for tonight, I went ahead and bought my first one ever. 

And Day 10 of January Quit 2 has been successfully conquered. Popcorn, brownies, and pink lemonade to celebrate? I do believe so :)

Light Bulb!

Something profound is going on in my brain. Significant mental shifts have been taking place in the past little while and I've been processing and re-evaluating like crazy. The most recent has come as the result of a $6 book I saw at Chapters and bought on a whim. It's funny because I had actually gone there in search of Gail Vaz Oxlade's It's Your Money (I found Debt Free Forever instead) and Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. After seeking out those titles and deliberating for far too long whether or not I could afford to buy them both right now (it's incredible how I let myself become so mired in indecision sometimes), I put them both down and was going to leave empty handed when I spied a bright cover on the shelf with an interesting (although - at first glance - unappealing and maybe even offensive) title that jumped out at me: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. It is a hardcover that was regularly priced at $32.50...so I read the back and figured "what the hell?" I could use some new reading material (I subsequently returned to Chapters and bought both of the other titles...which I have yet to read).

Anyway, this bargain buy turned out to be a Godsend. I found myself reaching for it whenever I had free time and was essentially unable to put it down. I'm kind of disappointed to have just finished it. It came at a time when I needed to hear it's contents and suddenly everything made so much more sense to me. Well, OK, not everything...but a whole lot of what I've witnessed and/or experienced in terms of dating, relationships, and marriage was viewed in a new light. It isn't all crystal clear and I do have to sift through some information and concepts, as some of it really conflicts with what I have been conditioned to see and believe, but all of a sudden I am looking at everything with a new perspective and I have this sense of insight and relief. I also have to say...two of the 26 year old guys I have been talking to (one of whom I've sort of been seeing) have really got some things figured out...things that I wish some of my girl friends would be willing to accept and understand, and things that I am still struggling with but coming to realize more fully.

Don't get me wrong, my girl friends and I have already figured out that who/what we are attracted to is not always good for us...we just haven't all found a way to integrate that knowledge into better practice when it comes to potential partners. A lot of that inner conflict stems from what we, as girls (now women), have been taught to use as a relationship gauge: the level of chemistry/fireworks/spark that we feel - often from the beginning in the form of crazy infatuation that drives us to do things we would normally consider to be at the heights of insanity. I am not sure where, exactly, this notion comes from, but it is deeply ingrained into our culture and media and reinforced by our friends. The book, however, is about being practical and realistic and learning to look at more reliable indicators of relationship longevity and happiness. It's about valuing what really matters and learning to let go of what doesn't...things we would all probably claim to do but which, in actuality, most of us don't. I know from personal experience that many women (myself included, at times...despite the fact that I am more likely than any of my friends to be decently open minded and give a wider range of people a chance in theory, in practice I have sometimes found it easier to find reasons/excuses to dismiss men who are not my ideal and forgiven things I should not from men who appeared to meet the ideal - it should be noted that none of them actually did live up to what I am really looking for - and I am determined to change that) are apt to give the guy we find attractive and feel that initial 'wow' factor with much more of a chance than the guy who is more stable and reliable but exudes less 'oomph.' Oddly enough (actually, not oddly at all), this has not been the case in my long term relationships...they started out with guys who I wasn't all that attracted to in the beginning but who won me over in other, more important, ways (admittedly, my choices still weren't good ones and there were big red flags I should have been seeing and heeding, but the point is I have had more stability with guys who I never felt crazy about right away). Interesting, too, is the fact that this book has showed me that although I never thought so, I am prone to pickiness. Who'd've thunk it?

I could go on and on detailing the firing of various synapses in my brain as I read through this book, but suffice it to say that it did give me hope that I am on the right track in some ways and pointed me in a better direction in others. It also replaced the panicky feeling that always accompanied the conundrum of finding Mr. Right with a sense of calm rationality. I actually identify quite a bit with the author's friend 'Erica' (also 31...go figure), who says that she now feels like she "could find the right person because he doesn't have to fit absolutely every one of my criteria" and that she "could be happy and find love if [she] just adjusted [her] attitude, and not if [she] was just supremely lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time...". Yep, I must agree - that does sound a whole lot more empowering! And in case you are wondering, the author does not in any way suggest or imply that anyone should accept deplorable behaviour from a partner, nor even settle for less than would make them happy. Uh huh...while the Bitches books and He's Just Not Into You had their own merit and their own words of wisdom to impart, the advice in Marry Him feels more down to earth, authentic, reasonable, and easier to implement...

Incidentally, this book has caused quite a stir amongst females. I cannot say that I am surprised. The author gets a chance to voice her opinion about those up in arms and defend her work here.


In other news:

I relapsed on the quit for a few days and started over on Sunday night. I will be done Day 3 of this quit in about 3 hours. So far these three days have been easier than the last first three days. I hope it stays that way.

I reconnected with the old friend I had to take a break from a while back. We shall see how that goes.

The weight battle is a bit of a write off at present with the quitting battle taking precedence. However, I am still trying to increase the amount of exercise I've been getting and not give into every food whim in place of a cigarette.

Work has been rather slow. I am currently in central for a few days (I got booked out here for tomorrow and Friday before the holidays) and looking forward to getting back to town already. Next week I plan to go hit some more schools to try and drum up more sub calls.

Monday Afternoon Mashup

On the work front:
I was starting to second guess myself and get really worried about my decision to come back to town last week...especially after talking to my mother and being told I'd missed a couple of calls for work. However, I ended up getting 2 1/2 days in here afterwards. That is a good start, considering. I also have an audition on Thursday. I haven't been to an audition in a while now. Could be interesting...

On the smoking front:
This is Day 8. I had one slip on Day 5 and smoked a cigarette. The whole time, I was analyzing my physical and psychological reaction to it. It was not nearly as enjoyable as I remembered, yet as soon as I was done the urge was there to have another one. I fought it. And now, according to Quitnet, I have NOT smoked 60 cigarettes (minus that one it doesn't know about...shhhh!). That sounds like a helluva lot, but in actuality I was not a heavy smoker. Crazy when you consider what numbers a pack-a-day smoker would be looking at at this point.

On the dating front:
I'm still spending time with the guy who started out as a friend. I had intended to just go with it and see where it led, but I realized that I was actually putting pressure on myself to figure out whether it was going anywhere or not. I'm more than a little gun-shy after all my previous experiences...I'm scared and I don't want to waste any time. And because he does seem like a decent guy, I want to be clear about my own intentions so as not to hurt him or use him to fill a void or lead him on in any way. There are other factors to consider, as well, and I am confused. I have been honest with him about all of that...and he is still here. So, I have decided to stop stressing about this. Really, it hasn't been that long since I started looking at him as more than a friend, and these things do take time. Perhaps it is more than a tad unrealistic to think that I would know right away whether or not I can see any long term potential with someone. After all, I have felt certain that other situations I've been in were going somewhere and I have been dead wrong. And, as I've said time and again, I'm actually not in any rush to jump into anything serious anyway. So why not just enjoy spending time with someone I care about, and who cares about me, and not worry about anything else for the time being?

In other news:
I have been continuing to work on reclaiming my space. I am also making it a priority to increase the amount of exercise I get and reconnect with people I've been neglecting. In theory, all those things should bring more fulfillment. Yay for 2012 and yay for me!

Day One Conquered

Since 6am when my eyes popped open, I have been obsessed with wanting to have a cigarette. There was a three hour reprieve when I was at work this morning, and the rest of the time I have been practically living on Quitnet. I thought I had the afternoon and evening covered, but my plans went out the window (through a series of events out of my control) and so did my cool, calm, collected self and my resolve to stay smoke-free. I felt irritated, frustrated, disappointed, angry, let down, not in control, and afraid. So afraid, in fact, that I couldn't trust myself to drive across town as my Plan B to see a friend or my brother and possibly go for a walk (which I thought would help me feel better) because I was certain I would cave and buy a pack of cigarettes the moment I went through the door with the high stress level and vulnerability I was experiencing.

I am not gonna lie, it was not pretty there for a while. I spent about three hours in an escalating state of panic and snotting and bawling like an emotional basket case. Which in turn made me feel like a pathetic weakling and I cried harder with the sense of impending failure and hatred of myself for not being stronger and more composed. I remember being emotional the first time I quit, but I didn't remember it hitting this intensely so soon in the quit. It also irked me that the friend who wanted to quit the least has been having the easiest time of it today.

Thankfully, I got myself to a chat room where supportive fellow quitters were ready and willing to get me through. They kept tabs on me, encouraged me, reassured me, checked on me, gave me their tips, tricks, and words of wisdom, made me laugh, consoled me, comforted me, soothed me, told me what I have been experiencing is normal...they commiserated with me, stayed with me, kept me with them, and helped me hang in there until I was strong enough to leave and they assured me that they would be there should I find myself needing them later. How wonderful is that? And so, eventually, I was able to take the Nicorette inhaler out of my mouth, where it had been hanging haphazardly and being chewed and puffed on intermittently, throw the wadded up ball of tissues in the trash can, clean up my blotched and tear stained face, and sign out.

The relief and excitement of making it into Day Two (which feels like a huge accomplishment at this point, I gotta say) combined with the humble gratitude for the help I was embarrassed to need but glad to receive allowed me to breathe a little easier and gave me renewed faith that I can do this. I made a list of reasons to keep my quit (which I plan to keep on hand and review frequently), I have plans to make a list of distractions for when the intense cravings hit again, and I have bookmarked more websites to explore.  Happily, my eyes are no longer puffy and bloodshot. My hope now is that I will be able to sleep tonight and that tomorrow will be a little easier than today.

Quit Day

It is now 12:45 pm and my last cigarette was 8:30ish last night. It wasn't too bad getting through the night (popcorn, reading, writing, water, and TV helped) or the morning once I was actually at work...before that was basically a blur of cigarette obsession from the moment my eyes opened until I was through the doors at the building...and that is what I am once again experiencing now. I just ate and this would be a routine time to have a smoke. It's all I can think about. In fact, I'm typing this in the hopes that keeping my fingers busy may help. I'm half afraid to check and see how the girls are doing, but I sent them messages asking how Day One is going so far. No responses as of yet. I wonder if their inner addicts are pressuring them to cave, already, too? One hour at a time, I suppose...

Anxiety

As previously noted, I had selected January 10th to be my quit smoking date. That has changed. I went out with my smoker friends tonight and it turns out they have also decided it is time. I'm not sure if that will make it easier or tougher. On the one hand, we will all be going through the same thing together...on the other, there is a risk that someone may not make it out alive with all the emotional upheaval caused by withdrawal. I remember those feelings well and am not looking forward to experiencing them again, but I know the payoff will be greater than the temporary discomfort.

Anyway, long story short, I decided to smoke what I had left and start the week without cigarettes (I actually find it more appealing to not stop mid-week for some reason, a fact that my inner addict was using to try and convince me to prolong the smoking until next Monday rather than stop on a Tuesday).

The problem is, I am working tomorrow morning for the first time in a while at a school I haven't been to in about a year and that makes me nervous. The thought of getting up and going there with no cigarette fix and leaving without having one afterwards is stressful for me right now. However, thanks to WiseWebWoman, who helpfully introduced me to Quitnet, I have had support off and on all day while trying to mentally prepare for this farewell. And a lot of those words of wisdom and encouragement from former smokers reminded me of something I had forgotten: the fear of quitting is often worse than quitting itself in some respects.

I just hope I can sleep tonight because I will be needing my rest for tomorrow...

Relief

Journal has turned up safe and sound. I am one very relieved and thankful girl. Lesson reaffirmed: trust in myself. I may overlook things once in a while (such as checking the same place 3 times before finding my precious soul extension), but I'm not careless enough to leave it somewhere it's depths could be plundered.

Panic

So I was going to write in my journal today...and then I realized that it is evidently on the missing list. NOT GOOD. My mind is racing, trying to think of where it may be. It's not like me to be careless with something so personal and revealing. That book chronicles my experiences and details my innermost thoughts and feelings...it's like an extension of my soul. I shudder to think who may read and what they may discover and am praying it turns up somewhere in my apartment, safe from prying eyes...

In other news, I blew the quit plan to smithereens and I have two days left before the 10th. The addiction is starting to play with my brain. It's trying to convince me to make deals with myself that I know I will break.  I'm reaching deep inside to find the necessary resolve and rise above it.

Wish me luck, on both counts!

Envy

I was wasting time on facebook and stumbled across some pictures posted by an acquaintance of mine. I experienced mixed emotions looking at them...vicarious joy and wonder at her experiences (this woman is amazing and very well rounded), inspiration to go out there, grab life by the balls, and start LIVING, regret that I didn't get to know her better while I was in the same vicinity, envy that I didn't get to do any of those things myself whilst on the other side of the country (or at all, in some cases), longing for BC, and the sad realization that looking at glimpses of someone else's life was making me view my own as empty, mundane, and devoid of excitement and fulfillment.

Thankfully, I had the sense to get outta there instead of stay and wallow in self-pity. But before I left, I sent her a positive message to counteract the negativity attempting to creep in. I also told myself that comparing my own life to someone else's is futile. We are all our own people, we have our own personalities and our own paths to travel. My time will come. I am putting the steps in place to eventually reconcile my dreams with my reality. I just have to remember to keep working towards what I want and not let discouragement, anxiety and fear stop me in my tracks any more than they already have. I also have to account for the fact that her income is much higher than mine at present and, much as money can't buy happiness, it is a requisite for a lot of activities. So, again, renewed determination to go for progress and stability this year. I have been booked for work Monday morning...that is a start. I also came to the conclusion, once again, that I need to broaden my circle of friends. If you continue to mix with the same small group of people, chances are you are never going to meet anyone new or be introduced to new and different things. I need those opportunities to experience increased diversity. It's time to step outside of my comfort zone once again and see what happens...

Up and Running

I'm quite proud of myself. I have so far devised a quit plan, made a list of schools to hit (8 of which I visited today), printed off resumes, and cleaned and tidied a couple more little sections of my apartment. I am oozing positivity and good vibes and I love it :) I think I may have finally regained my balance. Here's hoping I can keep it and make it work for me!

Reflection

So this is it...the first day of 2012. I must admit, there is a shift in me today...but I think it's one that has been formulating inside for quite some time. It doesn't feel like anything monumental. Just another day. But an opportunity to make a new start and get off on the right foot. I'm glad that I'm not hungover today. New Year's Eve was less than thrilling and I came home from the Sheraton at 10am-ish this morning. But I'm happy. There was no kiss at midnight, I barely danced, and I hardly drank...in fact, I didn't even have anything to sip on to toast and yell "CHEERS!" when the countdown ended...but I was with my girls. New memories were created and the most obscure encounters of the evening stirred some kind of deeper understanding in me. When the New Year was rung in, we were standing on the dance floor - together. It also feels good to be able to function right now...I've unpacked my bag, done the dishes, and started laundry since arriving chez moi. Mundane? Totally. Yet also satisfying. It's better than being sick or just going to bed and sleeping the day away. I feel older, wiser, and there is a sense of accomplishment inherent in not having a kick ass time on the biggest party night of the year, but still being able to appreciate it for what it was.

2011 was a great learning experience. There were lots of fun times and lots of not so fun times. I found myself living it up and making up for the loss of my social life in my 20s and I also found myself drowning in my own sorrows on more than one occasion, lost and drifting in an endless sea of uncertainty. There was excitement and there was heartbreak. I didn't accomplish a lot of the things I had wished to, but I did come into my own a little more on the inside. Here's hoping 2012 brings more progress and stability my way...and brings you whatever it is that you would like to have in your own life. May it be kind to us all. 

PS: I have decided that January 10th will be my quit smoking date. The weaning starts today.